What's wrong about my writing?

[lawlman91]

How do I make it more clear/enjoyable to read?

Here goes:
Stab.

A hooded creeper, who stood beneath a streetlight, gasped and then fell. Crickets chirped upon a silent neighborhood as a teenage girl, dressed in black, jerked her sword from the body and into her scabbard.

A male high school student stood nearby, shocked. He lifted his hands up as if in surrender, and said, “Um… I got nothing.”

The girl’s mean and serious eyes pierced the male, and then she declared, “No, you do have something.”

No car passed by and no doors opened. Only flickering streetlights accompanied the two. Aside from the dead body.

The boy gave a questioning look.

She pointed the sword at his chest and said, “You’re attractive, I’ll tell you that.”

“Huh?”

The girl looked pissed, “I don’t mean it in the way you thought.”

[Anthony]

its good but a bit creepy

[Mary]

avoid using words like "pissed"

[Jesere]

it's choppy, not easy to follow and boring

[Leslieeeâ„¢]

6/10

Add more details. It's okay but creepy.

[emmies~]

eh...it's just kinda boring. i wasn't drawn to it. if you write more, you should e-mail it to me and maybe i can be of more help. i'm going to be an author one day and writing is my passion....so i might as well help others who like to write too. : )

[♥Pisces♥]

OMG!!! That sounded awesome.Nothing is wrong with your writing! If your planning to write a book,please send me a copy at: modeline_celestin@yahoo.com,because it sound interesting!!!

[Muse]

Mmm. It's different, the style, but I'd say it's perfectly fine. I actually like this, a lot!!! Maybe a bit more description, but you seem to write in a way that doesn't absolutely need it. you could probably have a strange, artistic, abstract book with writing all the way through like this. I think I'd try to read it!!!

Good Luck.

[Rose Gemini]

Uhm, use more descriptions, like,
*A darkly hooded creeper, with wispy white hair dangling just beneath the shadows of his/her hood, stood beneath a flickering streetlight. His beady eyes froze, then he gasped painfully and fell sideways, his body crumpling to a ball when he hit the sidewalk. Crickets chirped timidly, their twitters changing tempo every second, and silence echoed around the neighborhood, oblivious to the crickets attempts at peaceful noise. A teen-aged girl, dressed in tight black clothes and a bejeweled belt, jerked her sword towards herself in a fluid motion, sheathing it with a harsh SNAP!* <----That makes it better :o)

[agilebrit]

I'm not sure who your point-of-view character is in this scene. I have no idea what a "creeper" is or why it deserved to be stabbed to death with a sword. You're throwing us face-first into the action (which is good), but you're not explaining anything about your world or your characters (which is bad). Do they know each other?

Your paragraphs are too short, which makes the scene seem more choppy than it should be. You're showing instead of telling--"the girl looked pissed"...how? Do her brows lower over her eyes, do her lips skin back over her teeth or tighten closed, do her fists clench in anger? HOW a character shows anger is just as important as them just being angry, especially when we're first being introduced to them. Is she the strong silent type, or does she explode with yelling?

We need the thoughts of whoever your point-of-view character is as well. Does he think he's just stumbled upon a murder and wonder if he's next? Is she thinking "Oh, GREAT, a witness, just what I didn't need tonight of all nights"? One of them should be freaking just a little, unless both of them are remarkably clear-headed for teenagers.

Also, you've got a continuity error where she sheathed the sword, but she's suddenly pointing it at his chest.

It's a good outline, but it needs fleshing out.