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I will be 28 soon and have nobody in my life. I will die before I become apathetic.?
04-06-2014, 01:59 AM
Post: #1
I will be 28 soon and have nobody in my life. I will die before I become apathetic.?
Hello. I turn 28 next month.. Oddly, this marks the year that I was officially on medication for over half of my life. Bi-polar II disorder. Not bothered by its presence; it's as if we're married and those that see us can't imagine us single.

When I was a young kid, my mother and father cheated on each other, but both claimed that nothing happened. Of course, when you're little, you hardly have the ability to actually what causes such a thing, what feelings are felt inside of both parties. I just assumed they argued a lot, which was prevalent.

When I got older, I began to understand it. I never really took to emotion; not something I like dealing with. Perhaps my Aquarian nature is to blame. So, even though I had friends, I did my own thing. Doesn't bother me to eat alone at lunch, sleep in the dark, or sit in silence -- it's what I'm used to.

Eventually, my father drank himself to death. I didn't know how to feel about it at first. I just took it as normal as drinking water -- okay. Numb to what actually happened. In the aftermath, I moved back home with my mother because my father left her with a gargantuan amount of debt. My brother and sister followed -- we're all we have left.

I'm in school, studying psychology. Something I wanted to do since I was a kid. Something about the mind that is so intriguing...so mystic. It's like a mystery that I can spend a lifetime trying to solve... I want to help people deal with mental conditions without the use of drugs -- find intrinsic worth that comes freely without an insurance copay for meds that mask a problem.

On that declaration, I stopped taking my meds last February. Once the healthcare reform takes effect at my job, I won't be able to afford them anyway.

Truthfully, I have nothing that is my own in life. My GPA in college has been a 4.0 for the last 5 semesters. That used to make me happy... I took on another full-time job and told everyone that I am using the extra money to buy a house when I graduate next year. They love the idea.

However, that is not why. Verily, I am working two full-time jobs and going to school so I don't have time to think about how horrible my life is. I don't have anyone to really talk to -- and actually understand what I'm saying.

My sister doesn't care to even listen, my mother doesn't understand, and my brother just makes it worse. Even with my family, I feel like a stranger. So because of this, I have kept to myself. At least when someone asks me why I'm not married, I can say that I don't have the time.

Women are a different dynamic altogether. I've dated. Last girlfriend I had was a year and a half ago -- she called me out of the blue and said that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I just said, "Okay," and that was the end of it -- no hard feelings.

Didn't really care to date after seeing what happened to my father. You become misogynistic to a certain degree after seeing such a thing. Recently, a lady and I were speaking at work. Mutual interest was assumed judging by the level and frequency of our conversations.

She happened to see my artwork I had on Facebook and requested if I could draw her picture. I gave it some thought and did. She enjoyed the sketch, as did everyone else. Eventually, we set up a time to meet outside of work and hang out.

She flakes at first, but I eventually get her out. She had a great time -- I knew she did. Oddly, I did as well. She wanted to schedule another date to take me to an ethnic restaurant she frequents. I told her we will have to see.

I won't go out with her again. She's smart, funny, beautiful -- and that's how I want to remember her. However, when I got home, I realized how much I have missed out on in life. She reminded me that I am alone.

I am beginning to see how desolate my life really is. Somebody once told me that life is life. Life is simple. People make your life hard, but they can also make your life amazing -- better than you ever could by yourself. I'm only recognizing the former -- I have yet to experience the latter.

According to Insen, the strongest man is he who stands most alone. I used to recite this to myself to facilitate living another day. It doesn't have the effect it used to. Now, I find myself finding solace in something else. HeII is a lonely place, according to Bukowski. I think he may be right.

In truth, I don't know what it's like to have someone truly love you. I fear I have become so emotionally isolated that I can't process them contextually. This may be my last bit of concern, for apathy is very well near. Once apathy intrudes, I welcome death.

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04-06-2014, 02:01 AM
Post: #2
 
GOOD!!! Oh, and I am not reading this garbage. HAHAHA!!!!

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04-06-2014, 02:12 AM
Post: #3
 
While I was reading your post I thought for a moment, "Wow, that guy might be the future me."

No, I do not have the tragic experience of watching to parents grow distance from each other because of their inability to remain faithful to each other. My dad is too much of an honest worker and my mother is too nice to do something like that, guilt would over take her, but its easy to see their disgust for each other. They are only together now because of their duty to raise my little sister (as I'm already 18 and in college). What I do have similar to you though is a passion for psychology and an ideal of not using drugs to treat mental disorders. I thought it's amazing I'm not alone in this regard.

Now, looking at your post I would say that you have a conditioned belief that all relationships will end negative note. The roots of this yes would be your parents disputes but it's also due to the fact that you've never made a close friendship to anyone at a young age. It is a reality that there are some relationships that end on a negative not, but I'm a living example that some relationships may end in a positive note or neutral one. It varies upon how you choose to end the relationship and view it afterwards.

My first crush was tragic. I asked this girl I had a crush on since childhood to the homecoming dance and she agreed. Sadly that was a highly stressful time for her and why I confessed at the dance she turned me down and we went home early. I was depressed for around 2 years before I could pick myself back up. Currently I can freely talk to her over facebook, but I've lost common things to talk about. I do post on her status if there's an interesting debate going on.

The second time I asked a girl out was my senior year. At the time she was just a girl I fancied and I wanted to follow the tradition of bring a girl out to prom, so I asked her out. Unintentionally she took it as a signal for dating and suddenly I was in a relationship. Honestly at that point I didn't know what to do. Luckily this girl was mature enough to realize that the relationship was going nowhere and brought that up the exact time I was about to. At prom we agreed that this relationship was going nowhere and we enjoyed the rest of the night. I was never really a close friend with her before the relationship and current not that close as well, but I would say she is one of the people I most respect in this life for being so mature.

I've told you these personal experiences to show you that relationships don't always end in a sour note and they aren't that negative if started and ended maturely. In fact they are growing experiences that helps you learn more about yourself, who you like and who you dislike. Through those two relationships, I've found that I have a taste for mature women, my heart is sensitive to love, I over think things far too often and I have to be more assertive in my relationships. I've grown from them, even though they are over that doesn't mean they were pointless. I wouldn't be trying as hard in school as I am now if it weren't for them.

I've also had 2 confesses to close friends of mines that shut me down on second 1. xD We still talk often over facebook and are continuing in growing our friendship.

Life varies upon how we perceive it and we perceive it differently when we have different belief systems. So try to believe differently. I'm not saying change religions, but to follow a different set of codes than the one you currently follow.
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04-06-2014, 02:21 AM
Post: #4
 
I see from your account that you are a very intelligent person, and i appreciate the fact that you are learning psychology to help people without the usage of drugs.

How should i say, certainly i am not old enough as you to lecture you. ^ ^
But well all i know that life really gets us down sometimes, hardships, quarrels etc. And yeah, like you said being strong is the only option you have at times like that, many have had experienced it.

Yes being alone is kinda tough, i have been like that in my life. But i found many supportive friends. who helped me through.. If you have trustworthy people you need to rely on them, no matter how hard it is. If you don't. it's not easy but, you need to find good people that would listen to you. Smile Face to face.

And that lady, who knows she may have an interest in you, if you guys understand each other then it's cool. Your probably less self confident in dating because you THINK that you are lonely, After my first heart break, which happened a month ago i lost all my self confidence, and it was not a happy relationship either. But after giving yourself some time, you need to realize to NOT to be afraid of opportunities you can take in life. Otherwise in the end you'll regret it na? Smile

It's like now when everything feels or looks like hell at the moment, you need to reach out and grasp that happiness. ^ ^

Sorry, i have less experience! but this is the much i can do.
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