My husband refuses to separate himself from his parents and siblings. Should I divorce him?

[SistaGrl]

They own a family business and come from a small (gossipy) town. I moved from my city and job to be with him but he refuses to give up anything in his old life for me. We were in a long distance relationship for a while and when we were together then it used to be just the two of us. Now after 6 years together we are married, own a home and have a two year old daughter. Everything that means anything to me means nothing to him. He refuses to establish a new life with me and tells me he's not interested in changing anything about himself or his life. His parent's think what's ours is theirs and he believes that if we shouldn't make any plans or purchases that don't include them because it's not fair if we have something they don't or enjoy life in a different way than them they will be upset and say we think we're too good for them. We can't go anywhere without seeing them or or being asked personal questions about our lives from someone they know (because my husband tells them everything and they tell everyone they know everything because they love to gossip and brag). My husband refuses to make any plans for our future without consulting them because he refuses to think for himself so I don't know what he really wants because all his decisions are influenced by them. His mom has even gone so far as to try to be-friend the friends I have made so far in order to make sure they are invited to everything we are so they can be there to control us. I have taken care of myself by myself for a long time and I'm very independent, but my husband didn't move away from home or have a girlfriend until he was 26 and that was me. His mom still does paperwork and pays bills for him and his whole family acts like we are obligated to attend every holiday, birthday, Sunday (Church), etc...etc.. with them and if we don't show up they give us the silent treatment the next time we see them. Every visit to spend time with my husband at work turns into a visit to see them too (the business is next to their home). I can't even have lunch with him without them showing up. I have talked to my husband and he refuses to discuss anything with them and he refuses to stop stabbing me in the back. I have talked with them about things many times over the years (because he refuses to stand up to them and tells me not to put him in the middle of it) and I have very nicely and thoroughly explained my issues with them and politely and directly asked them to back off but they won't do it. On top of that my husband refuses to back me up on it and makes it know that he sides with them. He even tells me they know who the problem is and it's not me (him). Now I'm like an outcast in my own life because not only do they treat me like a enemy trying to come between them and their son, my husband sides with them and blames me for all of our problems. He refuses to tell them no even when he's the one who doesn't want to do something and he'll even go so far as to blame me when they ask him why we didn't show up. He refuses to spend anytime with them without me present so if I tell him I don't want to visit them he refuses to go alone, then his parents start calling and calling trying to find out where we are and he refuses to answer the phone to tell them we're not coming. Even when I tell him to just answer and tell them we're not coming he says they know. (But they keep calling.) They won't accept no when it comes from me and he never tells them NO. So the next time we see them they are all pissed and acting all victimized giving me the silent treatment. I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of coming second to them and I'm tired of even having to hear about them or see them. I feel very betrayed by my husband and I just want my own life again but I love him and want our marriage to survive for our daughter's sake!!! What do I do?
(Sorry So Long!! ) I agree with those of you who said I knew what I was getting into, but it doesn't really bother me that he/s close with his family. I have a family too that I love and care about, but I make sure I have a relationship with them whether he wants to or not. I don't expect him to give up his whole life for me, but why don't we have a right to build a family like the one they have without their input (Redneck_momma) By the way his mother sabotaged her husband's relationship with his entire family. I do not wish to do that, I want him to have a relationship with them, but I do not wish to be pigoeon-holed into spending time with them just because I'm married to him. They are his family, not mine.
Thanks to all of you for your answers, your advice and perspectives are really appreciated.

[SistaGrl]

Wow this is really detailed!

Mama's boy needs to realize that you are his family now! It's good to have family, but he needs to have his own stand! He needs to grow up and stop relying on them.

[Liz]

I read about the first 20 lines of your novel, and it's clear to me what your problem is. It's neither your husband nor his overbearing family. It's you - knowing that he was a mama's boy and marrying him anyway. If you thought he'd change after the wedding vows, you now know that you were sadly mistaken. He didn't change, and he won't. So unless you want your daughter to grow up with all this unhealthy, passive-aggressive shit that's going on in what you call a marriage, get out and build a normal life for yourself and her.

[xXPaintBallerXx]

Honestly I would just tell his parents how you feel. This is risky and may not go over well but i wouldn't want to live my whole life in that situation so it's worth taking. If that doesn't work since you've already tried to appeal to your husband then you should consider divorce.

[Shannon]

TLDR P*A*R*A*G*R*A*P*H*S

[daisymayNY]

tell him to let go of mommys apron strings or you;re gone.
you can;t live such a sheltered life,

[subliminalmind86]

I sympathize for you as far as feeling exonerated from his family and being the outcast. You have to understand though that he is very close with his family and trying to tear them apart is not fair to him. If you truly love your husband you are going to have to accept the fact that he is a "Mama's boy" and move on with your life. You knew what you were getting into when you married him so I think you need to really think about whats best for you. Talk to your husband about how you feel because obviously you have a lot of steam to blow off about all of this and he would want to hear it I promise you. Tell him how you feel in your heart and if he loves you than he will be willing to make some kind of changes. Marriage is about compromising to the best of ones ability to ensure a healthy and happy life for all parties involved.

[Redneck_Momma]

You sound like a stuck up city bitch to me. In the south where I am from we have strong family values. You don't just throw your family away because you get married. You knew he thought like this prior to marrying him and you're complaining now? Why? What did you think? You get married and all of a sudden he will just change dramatically? Be realistic.

[Tweety]

Sorry but did not feel like reading a book tonight .But I did read about the 1st 10-20 lines.You got yourself mama's boy,been there done that and if your husband doesn't step up the plate and let his family know he has his own family now then things will not change.

[Brittieboo]

I hate to say it, but if you knew this and you had issues with this before marrying him, then you should not have married him. There is no way to change a person. You can simply accept them and love them for who they are.
Your husband sounds like and incredibly selfish person, though. It is incredibly unfair of him not to stick up for you and to make you seem like the bad guy to his family. He seriously needs to take a step back and look at what his priorities are.
I would recommend talking to your husband again and telling him that you feel like you are coming second to his family and that you can't take it anymore. Let him know how much it is effecting you.
If this does not work, try sitting down with his mother. I'm not sure what your relationship with her is, but if it is already a bit rough (it sounds like it may be) then you aren't going to hurt anything by doing this. Tell her that you love spending time with their family and that you really appreciate them wanting to be such a large part of your lives, but that you need some privacy, too. Try to set up times that are just for you, your husband, and your daughter to be alone. If people try coming over during these times, politely tell them that you are having family time and you will call them later when you are not busy.
If none of this works, then I would say that it is time to seek some couple's therapy first to get things out in the open and perhaps help him to see what he is doing that is messed up from a different point of view. Then, divorce would be a very very very last resort! Good luck!