This is a TOEFL essay,which is written by me. Can anyone help me to correct this essay?(Thank you very much)?

[Yu]

In the modern society, it is a common phenomenon that a person move to a new city or a new country to continue his or her education or career. Some people worry that we will lose our old friends. From my perspective, however, I believe that the movement to a new place is a good thing.

First of all, with the rapid development of high technology, we can still keep in tough with our old friends even if you are not in the same city. By using e-mail, we can send mails to our friends at any time. MSN, a well-known real-time software, makes it possible for us to converse with each other online. With the advent of Facebook and Twitter, we can share our photos and put our essays on the personal pages in order to make our old friends know what is going on and how I feel about when I live in another city or nation.

Secondly, in another city or country, we have more opportunities to meet new friends from different backgrounds, which can contribute us to be accustomed to a totally new environment as soon as possible. From new friends, we will learn some of the local culture and languages and then we could form a new social circles. For example, my brother Kim moved to America to attend the New York University 3 years ago. At the begining of his education career, he worried that he could not accommdate the new environment because of the distinctive cultures. But then he gradually found there is no need to concern about this, owing to the fact that he made some new friends from different nations, which eradicate his loneliness.

In addition, moving to a new place often means we will get higher salaries and degrees. For instance, as a student, the reason why we go to another city or country at such a young age is that we want to get more high-quality education there. As an white-collar, leaving our homes means that we have gotten high-paying jobs. For example, my father was a marketing department manager in an state-owned enterprise. However, 2 years ago, the outburst of the financial crisis brought disasters to the company. Then he get another job, which is paid higher than the previous one but he was obliged to go to Shanghai to work. Nowadays,he is a general manager of that company and, of course, my life has improved considerably.

In a nutshell, having interactions with new friends, acquiring a higher salary or degree may drive us to move to a new city or country.Simultaneously, with the help of the new technology, we can still have contacts with our old friends.Therefore, it is a good thing to move to a new city or a new country.

[WISE OWL]

OK, I have simply corrected grammatical and vocabulary errors. and awkward turns of phrase. You have done well!

In OUR modern society, it is a common phenomenon that a person moveS to a new city or a new country to continue his or her education or career. Some people worry about losing old friends. However, from my own perspective, I believe that MOVING to a new place is a good thing.

First of all, with the rapid development of high technology, we can still keep in touCH with our old friends even if WE are not in the same city. By using e-mail, we can send mails to our friends at any time. MSN, a well-known real-time software, makes it possible for us to converse with each other on line. With the advent of Facebook and Twitter, we can share our photos or put MESSAGES on personal pages in order to INFORM our old friends of what is going on and LET THEM KNOW how WE feel when WE live in another city or nation.

Secondly, in another city or country, we have more opportunities to meet new friends from different backgrounds, which can HELP US to GET accustomed to a totally new environment as soon as possible. From these new friends, we will learn some of the local culture and languages and THIS will ENABLE US to form new social circles. As an example, my brother Kim moved to America to attend New York University 3 years ago. At the beginning of his educationAL career, he worried that he could not ADAPT TO HIS new environment because of the distinctive cultures. But then he gradually found there WAS no need to BE concernED about this, owing to the fact that he made some new friends from different nations, which PUT AN END TO his loneliness.

In addition, moving to a new place often means we will get higher salaries and degrees. For instance, as a student, the reason why we go to another city or country at such a young age is that we want to get A higher quality OF education there. As a white-collar WORKER, leaving our homes means that we WILL GET BETTER PAID jobs. For example, my father was a marketing department manager in an state-owned enterprise. However, 2 years ago, the outburst of the financial crisis brought disasters to the company. Then he gOt another job, which is paid higher than the previous one, but he was obliged to go to Shanghai to work. Nowadays, he is a general manager of that company and, of course, my life has improved considerably.

In a nutshell, having interactions with new friends, acquiring a higher salary or degree may drive us to move to a new city or country. Simultaneously, with the help of new technologies, we can still have contacts with our old friends.Therefore, it is a good thing to move to a new city or a new country.