Should I give my marriage another chance?

[Delores Sanbourne]

I left my husband in January (which included moving back to the US which is 5000 miles from where we lived) because I was stressed and anxious to the point of not being able to sleep for more than one hour at a time without waking up with a panic attack and was no longer fit to work. The stress was mainly caused because I was always walking on eggshells with him.

We were married in March 2013.

Several big things went wrong- he had lied to me about debt and I discovered it after we were married. He was emotionally abusive. He hacked into my facebook and read that I said to my friend I didn't believe his child was his (I don't but I was never going to tell him I thought that). Also I'm so sick of the issues with the kid, I wish i'd never signed up for marrying someone with a kid, it's like a reoccurring nightmare.

Now I've been gone and I realize we both messed up the marriage, he tells me he takes responsibility for his part. We do love each other, but I'm very scared of going back and falling into the same mess. We'd do marriage counselling though, for what that's worth.

Any advice welcome, I feel totally undecided
Thanks it's good advice to take some more time, but if I don't get back within 6 months my visa expires. eesh.

[Joe]

The site fhu.com is of help on various relations.

[Lew]

Take some more time. Sometimes we think that we need to decide things right now that should be left to sit. Time can give you some perspective. In the meantime starting talk through some of your issues. Look stuff up online get some self help books. I say revisit the issue of you returning in maybe 60 days?

[LEYKIS 101]

Now you know why people say do not date single mothers!!!! Before you went through this you probably were one of those women who thought men who would not date single mothers were pigs!!
Now to your real problem!! Your bored because you do not have a man to fix so your thinking about going back to your headache!! SMH!!

[Dr. Stephanie]

Please don't do anything about reconciling without first going to counseling, and that means both of you, together. How you can do this , if he's still living in another country, is impossible, of course. I hope you learned a lesson, that anything you post on line in any form can and may be used by another person in a manner you don't want. You lose control, and whatever is there can be there permanently. I have information about me on line, (nothing I object to), that goes back to my history in the 1960's ! And I didn't even put it there ! There are several red flags in your account, that suggest you should exercise great caution and hesitation before considering a reconciliation: you have many issues around his child; "walking on eggshells"; "emotionally abusive"; "lied to me about debt". With all of this, it sounds as if you may have made a terrible mistake in marrying him. I'm wondering how long you knew him, beforehand and just what the relationship was like at that point. You also appear to have some issues of your own, triggered by the stress: panic attacks, inability to work, etc. If you wish, you may seek some individual counseling for support and guidance, therefore. Typically, for couples, however, those that don't go together tend to separate more frequently than those who do. Good luck and best wishes, Dr.S.

[gb93433]

I would suggest you get counseling and enlist the help of a counselor who will give you home work to do and hold you accountable.

Some good books to read are:

For Couples Only: Eyeopening Insights about How the Opposite Sex Thinks For Couples Only: Eyeopening Insights about How the Opposite Sex Thinks by Shaunti Feldhahn and Jeff Feldhahn

The Five Love Languages Singles Edition The Five Love Languages Singles Edition by Gary Chapman

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs

Problems usually means that a couple needs to learn some things about how to communicate better.

[pictureshygirl]

I want to help you out here but being that you live so far apart already, my suggestion of living separately while doing counseling is something that may be difficutl. But it can be done. If there is any chance you both can continue to live apart and work on things with separate counselors it may work. My point is this, if you go back has the debt issue been resolved? Will you be free not to walk on eggshells so as not to upset him? Will his verbal abuse continue? All of this has to be worked on before getting back. Because of the distance this does cause a problem as it would be difficult for you to see any changes on his part. So my last ditch of advice is for you alone to go to a counselor and work on how to proceed from here. Good luck to you!

[kmredkmred]

Don't go back. Nobody moves 5000 miles away for a spat. If you were in love you wouldn't be undecided and his child isn't going to disappear anymore than the debts are. Not anytime soon anyway. Grit your teeth for six more months and then you'll have the perfect excuse never to return

[Shindig]

I think you should both see relationship counsellors separately before you decide anything, and then you could progress to counselling sessions together. If you both love each other you will both need to work at the the relationship, but this may be painful and take time. The question is: is it worth it? If you believe it is worth it and you have something worth saving, then you must both put effort into fixing the relationship. There is no guarantee that it will work, but will you regret not trying?

[Jack]

My wife and I divorced after a short marriage of less than a year. We split up and were 2500 miles apart. We each got into individual counseling of our own volition, with Christian psychologists when we were divorced. Contact broke off for months and I was determined to let go, and let God. We re-married after being apart for about a year, and the marriage was not facilitated by joint counseling. My wife broke the ice after her counseling was completed, and she knew I was also working with a counselor. Both marriages were in Christian churches. I am sure the reason we are so very happy now, is due to our both working on improving ourselves, with professional guidance. So, it is possible to get back together, and be extremely happy, as I know we are now. We have been re-married for going on 4 years. That is not always the rule of thumb, for I reconciled with another wife, in my past, after a divorce, and it ended up being a repeat, painful disaster, lived all over again. I suggest you turn to God and seek help from your Pastor, a Priest, or a Rabbi, and then follow what you feel God is telling your heart.