Should I give my marriage another try?

[Delores Sanbourne]

I left my husband in January (which included moving back to the US which is 5000 miles from where we lived) because I was stressed and anxious to the point of not being able to sleep for more than one hour at a time without waking up with a panic attack and was no longer fit to work. The stress was mainly caused because I was always walking on eggshells with him.

We were married in March 2013.

Several big things went wrong- he had lied to me about debt and I discovered it after we were married. He was emotionally abusive. He hacked into my facebook and read that I said to my friend I didn't believe his child was his (I don't but I was never going to tell him I thought that).

Now I've been gone and I realize we both messed up the marriage, he tells me he takes responsibility for his part. We do love each other, but I'm very scared of going back and falling into the same mess. We'd do marriage counselling though, for what that's worth.

Any advice welcome, I feel totally undecided.
Thanks John and everyone who's commented. I've never felt so torn but this is helping. What a lousy situation, so disorienting! Thank goodness we don't have kids.

[John R]

Don't do it. Things will go right back down the toilet. He will not have changed, even if he claims to have. The same old problems and stresses will recur. A liar will not be easily reformed and trust is the absolute basis of any good relationship. He sounds like he has no respect for you, or women in general. He would probably not be abusive to the the household dog (or maybe he would). You deserve better so don't sell yourself short. There's a lot more fish in the sea, and many are honest, decent people with whom you can form a true partnership of equals. Screw the eggshells! Counselling is not useful to people who need a character transplant. Abusiveness and disrespect have very deep roots. He'll likely fake commitment to it, and then get angry at you for sharing facts with the counsellor. "Why did you tell her about our ____?"

I realize that he is not all bad and that you only shared some negatives, though he has positives, too. But we usually throw out the bruised apple if the rot is too extensive or can't be cut out, even if the rest is pristine. I don't know what you think that you may have done wrong in the relationship. But consider the possibility that it was nothing. (Your FB post was not wrong. Even in a "partnership of equals", both parties deserve privacy and their own lives. And think what it says that you did not feel that you could share your opinion with him about the child. Why? Because he would hit the roof? Married people should be able to be open and honest with one another without worry, even concerning the most volatile and shocking things. "Married" means that 2 become 1. You and he would make 1 and 1/2, and you would be the 1/2 .)

[bab]

I think his lie was bigger than your saying something about his child(?) in a private Facebook message to a friend. I'm guessing you didn't want to hurt his feelings by ever asking him, which is understandable, but it still hurt his feelings. His not telling you about the debt before getting married is a big deal, but being emotionally abusive is unacceptable. I think you deserve so much better than that, and no one should have to deal with that. Loving someone makes it difficult to walk away, but you did it, and I think it was a smart choice, so you could think on your own and be away from that situation. If you still love each other and want things to change for the better, I think marriage counseling would be an extremely beneficial. Good luck!

[Kizza]

Listen to your gut instinct. If you're still undecided then I suspect that you're not ready to give it another go. He's destroyed your trust and that can take a long time to get back if at all.

When you are away from someone it's easy to reflect and miss them and the good times you shared and want to go back to being happy together, after all 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but will anything have actually changed? Do you think he's a changed person? You have to be honest with yourself no matter how hard it is.

I dated an emotionally abusive guy so I know how you feel. I don't know if he's still like that now but we just bought out the worst in each other. He destroyed me and I'd never go back and I've never forgiven him.

I'd stick with the counselling a little longer and perhaps talk to your counsellor alone about how you feel

[Misty N]

DON'T DO IT! There's a reason why he is an EX and do you really want to go back to that? Think about it! Forget the counseling and tell him it won't work because 6months down the road you are right back to where you left off and standing on egg shells.

[Si Si.]

Dear girl....People do not change their character. When you are away from an abusive relationship it is so easy to forget the awful times,and think things will be `different` if you go back-they wont.
You will end up having to leave again {with more abuse first}that is the reality of the situation.
You can tell yourself we both made mistakes...and that may well be true,however the issues in your marriage are far to serious to sensibly contemplate a return.He may well be `nice` to you for a short time,but before long his real character will become obvious again...and even worse this time because by going back to him you are really validating his behavior
As to the counseling,well many abusive men {sort of] agree to this just to regain their power.In your case it is not the way forward
Be brave and.don`t put yourself through any more unneeded misery..life is too short.Good luck