How to tell a friend nicely to stop whining?

[caddyshackjack]

A friend of mine from high school (17 years later) still hasn't matured very much in the whole "nobody likes me everybody hates me" type mentality he always has. We live in different states, and connect through social media sites. All of his posts drive people away, and he's very much ok with posting things like "since no one wants to ever hang out with me" or "I guess no one likes losers like me" even in personal messages he does this. When people try to extend a friendly gesture he goes overboard bombarding the person (in person and via social sites) obviously he needs friends but what is a tactful and sensitive way to let him understand that his actions turn people off?

[kittykat]

Just tell it to him straight trust me it will work.

[Sky]

best way is to nicely tell him that nobody wants to hang out with him because of the fact that he's always whining about things.

[jhtydf5768]

Tell him that guilting people into being friends with him is manipulative. And nobody likes to be manipulated. His negative, self pitying, manipulative attitude is literally repulsive. People need to like him for him, and if he doesn't even like himself (or other people from the way he talks) it is discouraging to people who try to connect with him. Also when people DO connect with him and he still says that needy a** sh*t it is so unappreciative of the time that people have spent with him.

If he wants people to like him he needs to start actually caring more about other people instead of acting like they're only relevant as far as how much attention they are paying to him.

[jollysack476]

The way you have worded this question is tactful and sensitive, so you probably have all the right instincts and just need to take a "tough love" approach for which he might be grateful---honesty from a friend.

Unity Church, a metaphysical approach to faith headquartered in Lee's Summit, Missouri, uses the Eastern concept of "As one's mind goes, one's energy flows" (meaning that if you think and express negative, you electromagnetically attract negatives; if you think and express positives, you then electromagnetically attract positives into your attitudes and into your life). You could use humor and sing to him: "You've got to ACCENT the POSITIVE and ELIMINATE the NEGATIVE" or else mention the concept of what I call the "pity pool" and suggest that he avoid "swimming in the pity pool." Get him to list what he LIKES in his life or in the moment (count his blessings, in other words).

Sounds as if your friend needs to build up some self-esteem, although sometimes the type of behaviors you describe are a form of manipulation from a master control-freak...that could be an option in trying to understand the behavior. I suggest he get involved in doing volunteer work so that he focuses less on himself and more on those in need---be it animals at a local shelter, or soup kitchens, or maybe some local charities. He might be a gifted actor (theatrical, emotional) who could act out some of his fears, furies, and frustrations on stage, which means that a local theater group might be useful in overcoming the negativity and expanding his horizons. I also suggest that he read "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron and do the various writing exercises in each chapter (one chapter per week)...this is an excellent way of breaking out of a self-pity cycle into creativity.