I had a total lesbian day today that made me depressed & insecure. plz help?

[Lea]

Everything that happened to me today, had something to do with LGBT. It made me depressed & even alil suicidal.

In the morning, I went shopping with my aunt. I needed to buy jeans & shirt, & my aunt also wanted to buy some things.
We were at a store & I saw a butch-femme couple shopping.
I was jealous of them, & also really wanted to Introduce myself to them (as I had never seen a lesbian couple before then). But I didn't.

Then in the afternoon, I was looking for the names of old friends or classmates in facebook. I searched the name of one of my primary school's "not so close" friend & found her in relationship with another girl from college. At least It had been written on her page. & I was really shocked & jealous again.

Then, I searched the name of the girl she has written she's in relationship with (if it's not a joke), & guess what...I felt worse, cuz I found out that It's the girl who used to be my high school crush. I had a crush on her but never tried to get closer to her.

Then my uncle arrived (I'm at my grandparents' home), & saw what I had bought. He also saw my side shaved short haircut (kinda like Miley Cyrus). Then he started nagging alil about my clothes, personality & haircut being boyish. He told me to let my hair grow longer.

Then we (My mom & I, my uncle, aunt & grandma) went out for dinner. We were at a restaurant, & my uncle asked me a random question : What would u do if u were married to a guy & ...
then my mom suddenly said : she will marry a girl not a guy!
then my uncle who was kinda shocked said : So, u mean she's a homosexual ?
My mom said something I don't remember, but to change the subject (or maybe my mom said something weird that I thought maybe she's bi or homo at that situation) I said : well, I am not ! But mom, are you a homosexual ?
& my mom said : yes, I like girls, & support them. Men really do many bad things to women & hurt them (well, I guess she was joking, I guess she's a feminist due to her abusive husband).
then my uncle said : actually that's trans, not homosexual (he was talking about me).
again, In order to change the subject, I said : but m, that's feminism, not homosexuality.
then my grandma said : but it's a phase & will be over soon (she was talking about me).

Then, I felt really bad, depressed & suicidal. To let them believe I am neither trans nor lesbian, I tried to act more feminine, & I decided to buy a girly T-shirt in front of them.
I just don't know what to do.

----------
I felt bad about many things.
For all those things.
for being labled because of my look.
for my school crush.
Etc.

I'm also disappointed due to being 19 & still single. Many other lesbians are in relationship, find love & enjoy it. But I guess I'm cursed & love or dating never happens.

Actually I'm closer to guys than girls. Most of my friends are guys. What's wrong with me ? Why doesn't any girl fall in love with me ? I feel depressed.

Plz help me. Thanks.

[Eve Of Destruction]

Try going straight, you may have a better day.

[esmerelda]

So.. mostly you're jealous of other lesbians because you haven't found anyone.

You're "19 and still single." Uh... I was 25 before I realized I was bisexual.

The lesbian of your dreams is not going to chase you down and court you. You have to start looking and keep looking until you find her, and I'm sorry, "love and dating never happens" because it sounds like you mostly spend your time like this:

"I searched the name of one of my primary school's "not so close" friend & found her in relationship with another girl from college. At least It had been written on her page. & I was really shocked & jealous again.
Then, I searched the name of the girl she has written she's in relationship with (if it's not a joke), & guess what...I felt worse, cuz I found out that It's the girl who used to be my high school crush. I had a crush on her but never tried to get closer to her."

STOP CYBERSTALKING GIRLS YOU USED TO KNOW, and get out there and meet some women! Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and marinating in self-pity is NOT going to help you find someone.

Your mother is supportive -- you are SO LUCKY to have a mother who supports and defends you. Ignore your grandmother (who is simply in denial) and get on with your life. Instead of hanging back, GO TALK TO WOMEN.

YES, that is scary. I went to a couple of Ohio Lesbian festivals before I got up the nerve to actually talk to anyone. Before my wife and I moved to Canada, I was volunteering at the festival.

Find a PFLAG group in your area (pflag.org) and maybe take your mom to a meeting. Volunteer at a pride festival. Those are usually sometime in June (some places, may or july) and the planning stages are starting now. GET INVOLVED. Volunteer to sit at a table for a group like Lambda Legal or Human Rights Campaign (hrc.org). Find progressive politicians and volunteer -- this is an election year and a critical one for Congressional seats.

GET ACTIVE. Activity helps counteract depression. Self-pity only makes it worse.