Rate My Storing Writing Skills?

[Sami]

I am Thirteen and i really want to publish a book, I have been working on the story lines and characters of this book over a matter of years now. I feel like i have the life experience to write with intense emotion. This is the beginning of a book i am writing about child abduction, its called: Killers Apprentice. Please rate my writing out of ten, be honest. And give me some pointers if you think i could improve!

Enjoy


The lonesome, spiked stretch of land melted into the darkening horizon. Blurred with the flow and edge of the crisp waves. The sea yawned and wailed at the star dotted sky. Lapping and reaching at the edges of a sodden wooden raft. Caressing at the course hand slicing through the water as the raft moved aimlessly through the ocean.
The hand of a man, a lost man. He lay, back down on the damp and mouldy wood of the tiny raft. His waxy and oily skin needed no reflecting of the crimson sky to look infected and red. His eyes, wide and glassy, stared at the same point in the empty sky they had been fixed upon for the last day. His salt encrusted hair stuck to the sides of his grimy face, flat and oily against the back of his pounding skull. A gapping gash along his shin was days old and festering. Yellow and peeling the skin around the cut flapped lifelessly, surrounded by small welts of green and black.

His breath wheezed in and out of his pale lips. His chest barely moved up and down, heavy with approaching death. His wet clothes, stiff with salt enclosed his body with a feeling of suffocating, cold and dark, breathless, and screaming. Silent screaming, he knew nobody would hear him even if he tried, he wouldn’t try, he didn’t want to be found. Not here, not in the middle of the swirling ocean, looking weak, breathless, hopeless, attempting suicide. He knew if he was found by the hooded figures of island he left behind, he would be seen as emotionally weak. Suicide was never contemplated, if you were strong, you put up with whatever mental torture you experienced. To blow out the candle earlier than destined, was a sign that you weren’t strong enough to deal with what was inflicted upon you. Everybody wanted to be strong, his actions would be seen as unimaginable, impotent, and defenceless.

[Brittania]

This is really good. Just one thing, In the second paragraph, you kept starting the first few sentences with 'his' - try to rewords or start it off with different words.
And ALSO you don't need too many words when describing things for example when you wrote: "Not here, not in the middle of the swirling ocean, looking weak, breathless, hopeless, attempting suicide" - sometimes few words is good Otherwise the reader may get confused.

Overall this is good Make sure you're not trying to put 5 different things/meanings in a sentence if you know what I mean

[Typo]

Too long winded. (Too wordy)
Too many adverbs.
Spelling errors.
Grammar errors.
Sentences WAY to long.

You said you wanted to write with intense emotion. Read some Danielle Steel. Look at how she managed to carry very strong emotions, but manages to keep the sentences short and to the point.
It is hard for a reader to get involved in a story it they have to concentrate on the reading. the writing needs to be light and very effortless to read.