Please PLEASE give me your opinions of my written SATIRE of FACEBOOK <3 PLEASEE <3 PLEASEEEEEE XOXOXOO?

[Tommy Landry]

Hi everyone! So I had to write a satirical essay and the teacher gave us a few topics to choose from and I chose Facebook. I'm only partly down my essay and I was wondering if you could read what I have so far and give me your opinions on it. Thank you SO much!! You have no idea

Beautiful Facebook


As the human population grows, so does the structure that is required to support it. With just the right amount of peer pressure, a new foundation of society and many people’s lives was put into place in the form of a website called “Facebook”. Since school does not take up a student’s entire day, the gaps of time have to be filled, otherwise children may take it upon themselves to exercise their imaginations, or God forbid, go outside. While these students are indoors, basking in their computer screen’s illumination, they can be rest assured that on the other end of their Facebook conversation is an aroused sexual predator. Whether a student is sharing pictures with a pedophile late at night, enjoying Facebook applications which are specially designed by experts to maintain both low levels of enjoyment and high levels of addiction simultaneously, or simply spending the rest of the day photoshopping their profile picture to look as pretty as their friend, Facebook is a sufficient way to relieve people of the burden of time. Those who use that time believing that they are privately spending it on Facebook, are laughably mistaken. Like a mother introducing her shy child to a group of other children with a gentle push, Facebook does not hesitate to reveal everyone’s supposed privacy, no one is left behind.

Over the years, pedophiles have faced much hardship. Looking inconspicuous while snapping a few photos of children in a schoolyard setting for later enjoyment is a difficult task for anyone. Before Facebook, if a pedophile would want a sample of the desired product, it could lead to decades of imprisonment with humans their age, of which they would have no interest. Thanks to Facebook’s organization, there is a supermarket of ripe youth that is refreshed each time the predator clicks “next”. Even without prior contact, the predator can learn much about whoever he is interested in, including physical appearance, school, and birth date. Before you know it, the predator is no longer a saggy, naked, elder leaning into his computer screen, but he is dressed in the gorgeous profile picture of a teenage girl he found on Google images. Once he clicks which school he attends, without any verification needed, he can surf through thousands of pictures prepared for him of any person who goes to that school. Frank Hamilton, a former high school teacher and one of the oldest members of Facebook stated, “It’s almost like they know that I’m watching and they’re trying to impress me. The pictures get better and better each day. I can’t wait until the pictures of last night’s party get uploaded.” Even though Facebook’s developers have almost succeeded in making Facebook the perfect breeding ground for pedophiles, they still say they can improve. Currently, the Facebook team is working on a system that will remove users’ Facebook privileges if their pictures are not revealing enough to satisfy a pedophile. These privileges are redeemed once enough pedophiles approve of their updated gallery.

[Rachel]

~ period goes before the apostrophe: “facebook.”
~ if this is a formal essay, don’t add religious comments or unnecessary colloquials such as “or God forbid” ( and if you still decide to, you must put a comma before God, because “God forbid” is a side comment)
~ don’t use “rest assured” as a verb
~ just because one is on fb does not mean that one is having a “conversation with an aroused[,] sexual predator.” (and you should add a comma after “aroused”). The scenario is possible, but unlikely; therefore, that isn’t a strong argument
~ in sentence 5, paragraph 1,
Okay, I have to go eat (parents), but I’ll finish the critiquing after dinner Hope this helps so far(:

~ you can incorporate current events into your essay, such as the girl who got bullied and sexually harassed by multiple people, but lost the lawsuit against them because of the party pictures of fb (the judge decided that it was highly likely for the girl not to have been reluctant to the “harassment”)
~ lmao @ “basking in their computer screen’s illumination”