Relationship Breakup - Head Games, Confusing Emotions And Kids Involved....Need Help!?

[jamie]

Hi all, I'm looking for advice on my situation. This was my first long term relationship (9 years, 2 kids) and going through a breakup that's really got me all over the place.

So...long story short we had a mutual breakup after a few months of unhappiness, although I was technically the dumper as I brought it up because I couldn't continue being unhappy. She told me she was also unhappy and wanted to end it. I was surprised, I expected her to want to work on things but oh well. So things seemed civil for a few weeks, she starts making a point of going out drinking and having fun which is fine but was making it obvious on facebook etc she was getting close to this guy. Jealously set in a bit, but I knew I was doing the right thing and I didn't let it get to me.

I moved out, and she got very upset on the day and got angry. Since then she's progressively gotten angrier at me and used the kids as a guilt trip for me to do things. A week passes after me being moved out and we finally have the 'closure' conversation, I'd been having second thoughts but after that I was happy to move on. She tells me she's seeing this guy and he's been coming round to watch DVD's and has met our kids. I know she's trying to get a reaction out of me but I leave her to it. End of the conversation I tell her I need space and to not contact me for a while, unless it's an emergency for the kids. She gets abit angry at that but OK. I go home, delete her from facebook etc and all is good....
...Honestly, I'm hurting right now but I know the relationship is over for me.

I needed to fix some things at the old house where she still lives so go round the next day expecting her to be at work. Turns out she's pulled a sickie, and has her new fella round. Apparently she had messaged me saying he had stayed round and not to come round - why would she do this apart from to try and rub it in my face??? But I say I don't care he's there and get on with what I need to do. I ended up...
...shaking his hand, having a chat and leaving on a good note. She didn't like that at all.

Next day she's moving out of the house, so I need to collect the last of my things, she's extremely emotional and getting angry at me when I'm trying to be civil. I've helped as much as possible by having the kids all day and overnight (and have been seeing kids reguarly and helping out) but it seems in her eyes I'm not doing enough.
So anyway after that I now go into no contact so I can move on with my life, I get a few guilt texts about the kids that I ignore. 4 days later after no contact she texts me to say thanks for not helping me, i've lost my job! turns out she's pulled a few more sickie days and got sacked - and apparently it's my fault. I try to message / call her and break the no contact rule because I couldn't ignore it but she ignored me completely!
Bottom line is I feel like I've been so accommodating for her, helping with the kids, paying child support, helping her move stuff and generally trying to stay out of the way. I should be the angry one after she started sleeping with someone literally 3 weeks after the breakup!!! But here I am being painted the bad guy, and I'm so worried she's going to turn nasty and use the kids against me.
Can anyone help me understand what is going through her mind? What can I do to keep things civil? Honestly I wish we could have worked things out but she's the one who didn't want to try counselling etc - but no chance of that now she's slept with someone. Did she push me away defensively to not get hurt and is now regretting things? It's been 4 weeks and I still think about her all the time, yet I know splitting up was for the best.

Help!!!

[Troll Master]

I am not sure because this question is quite long to read, do you think I or anyone on yahoo answers have time to read all this?

[Falon]

You should continue to move on and just make sure to take care of your kids like you have been doing. She will grow up one day. You don't have time for games and to babysit her feelings because she wants to be emotionally manipulative instead of mature about the whole situation of you two splitting up. Move on. Life is too short to stay in unhappy situations.

[Jack]

It's going to take some time for you to get over this, and I suggest getting into some therapy, or counseling to accomplish that. I've been there. Mother of my 2 kids divorced me after 29 years. Going to divorce support groups helped somewhat, but I also found a good counselor in a Pastor and his services were free.. I suggest you do both, if you can. In my opinion, you need to get whole enough, so you feel o-k entirely alone for awhile. Your pain and anger will finally go away, but it takes time. I wrestled with and recognized with many of my own demons, trying not to repeat those harmful patterns in a subsequent marriage. The best relationship book I have ever read helped me a lot, and I suggest you try to get your hands on it. The book titled; "Are You The One For Me? by Author Barbara DeAngeles will help you and it is not expensive, about 7 dollars at most bookstores, or available at Amazon.com books. Good luck and hang in there. I also recommend you turn to God to give you His strength and power to get through this trying time. Read Romans Chapter 8 verse 28. Reading the Bible will also help you. Peace be with you now, and always.

[Sue C]

If you were/are unhappy in your relationship with her, you don't belong with her. It seems now she's trying her best to put guilt trips on you of all people. As you said, only 3 wks. after you split up, she's with someone else. If she was that "broken up" over it, she sure wouldn't be with anyone else, she would be home hurting, not even thinking of anyone at that point in time. For whatever reason, she chose to go out & date, even lost her job over taking too much time off. That she should have known better. She is not thinking rationally. She could be feeling guilt over all she's done. Realized how good she had it, but it just didn't work out that well. IF it was meant to be, it would have been, you two wouldn't have broken up. She's just not the rite one for you, that you WILL see. There is a special someone out there just for you. You haven't met her yet, but will when you least expect it. You'll then have all the love & happiness your heart can hold. For now, put the past in the past & leave it all there. Free yourself of her. Your past will be forever gone, but your future still your own. Things WILL work out for the best for you. IF she starts to threaten you about your children, let her know you'll take her to court & have a Judge settle it. She cannot take your children away from you, you did nothing that would come near warranting that. So don't worry about that. Just try to stay as civil with her & ans. her as you see fit. Don't allow her to put any guilt trips on you,she has NO cause. Time WILL work things out for you...the best to you ...