I am at a loss in my life?

[Sarah]

I am 18 years old and female.

I have a problem, and I've had it for awhile now. I lack enjoyment, and fulfillment in life. I feel like a blank drone if that makes sense I guess.

I've never felt passion or like anything I did outside of my comfort zone actually made me happy. I feel as if I am acting it, and people say that faking it helps you enjoy it, but it never does for me. Unless I am very baked/stoned at the time I don't enjoy anything, and afterwards the high wears off and I regret all that I did and realize how stupid it all is.

Everything just seems stupid to me, socializing, doing things with people, talking about their mundane lives, or partaking in group hobbies or ever just making my presence known. I am the person who always shut up in the background, who is nothing more than a shadow on the wall, and while for a long time I considered myself miserable, I feel that this is the best way to be. Everytime I make myself known, give myself a known personality I feel the need to hide again.

I have recently lost all my friends or whom I considered my friends whether by means of cutting them off or falling out, save but one gamer friend whom I'm slowly but surely losing connection with. I enjoy his type and group of friends, I fit in with really nerdy people but even then I realize I'm not being me or being happy.

I feel very repressed, as if my innerself, the part we all conceal our private self, is devouring me. I feel more content these days to wander alone, be with my animals, and family, game alone, eat alone, watch tv alone etc. I have no group facebook photos, I have not a lot of photos of myself really, I have nothing.

I was raised with motivation, I never learned to ride a bike, skate, play instruments, I can draw, I'd like to be an animator but doubt I will ever make it. I'm considering to quit my dreams and just fade away into veterinary work. My parents never really praised me, though they were wonderful parents they sorta just told me how the world is and now I see no vivid happiness or room for self exploration and I honestly find the world dull and bland because I read into how situations will play out.

Thus I typically know the ending so it all becomes meaningless. I don't even find relationships exciting, I've only had two they ended in disaster. I no longer have crushes, I no longer really want sex, I feel like all realtionships or men interested in me gag me and bore me because basically even if they are legit nice guy, they are attracted out of also the want for sex. And I am just so tired of the stupid flirting, the lame compliments, I come off as uncaring but I don't feel into it. I think its all stupid. I started feeling this way after ending my last relationships and watching how bad relationships played out for the stupid female members of my family. You end up having to meet their family, friends, cooworkers, go to movies or something else useless, and pretend pretend that you're happy and having fun.

I'm considering to just lose connection with my last friend really, my only hanging buddy. Only because it annoys me that the more I hang out with him, the more I meet other people in my small town. The more this makes me scared because honestly, I don't want people to know me, I don't want them to know who I am, recognize my face or anything, because really they only know the façade I hold to remain uncynical and seeing them in stores, gas stations, etc where they talk to me and see me bothers me because when I am alone I keep my head down and hold a rather depressed demeanor. It keeps people away and I enjoy that.

I hate talking, interacting, moving in front of people.


I have also had thoughts of suicide since I was 6, and honestly I think if life remains so dull that I might just kill myself. I have begun just not seeing anything good or happy in life.

If I could go to school(college) for different trades and just work everyday till I drop that might work, I hate relaxing as I rarely can.

I am scared. Months ago I was fine with sex, but my ex made me feel like a whore and slut for wanting it, so after the breakup I just have no libido and it disgusts me now. I've turned down a very nice guy (gamer friend) as well for this ex and now my relationship with my friend confuses me as he acts like he likes me giving me the paragrapghs of text telling me how feels affectionate for me etc but then he ignores me and acts like he doesn't where he never has done that before. I'm sick of not knowing how he feels so I'm considering just cutting him off to end it. I mean he never even makes an effort to contact me "if he feels like he likes me so much"


I don't know, I want a therapist but until I can move away my family won't allow me one. And I don't want to cost them anymore.
I only started smoking, it makes me feel more pleasurable and sleep better. I've always been melancholy though

[Sunshine]

You need immediate help for depression. Seek help asap. Medication can help with depression. If you're feeling suicidal, tell someone like family or teacher. Don't let yourself stay down in the dumps. Plus smoking weed can lead to depression and make things worse so does alcohol, so stay chemical free

[Naguru]

I consider it a good question. And to the extent possible, I want to satisfy your ego. Before entering into any business, you should be certain about the following points:

1) whether you are competent enough to venture like this or not;
2) Secondly, think deeply whether you are going to risk your own savings or you are going to borrow from other thick friends and close relatives.
3) Analyze whether you posses the ability, capacity and capability in that business or not. Know your qualifications, knowledge, experience, skill, acumen, maturity, etc. before plunging into such business.
4) Did you start your noble venture in an auspicious time in consultation with a priest or an astrologer or not.
5) Have you made any cost-analysis which shows the total investment you are going to risk and the expected profit in return.
6) Have you examined whether all the employees are honest, sincere and obedient or not.
7) Have you located the factory where all raw-materials are available locally or not. If you have to bring them from far off place, it will increase the cost of production. Did you foresee these aspects earlier or not.

Pl. give me your reply for each points. Then I will consider giving alternative solutions to get more profit.

[Unknown Infidel]

Wow! That's an inspiring story in my book. See,I have zero friends. Zero social life. I just sit around gaming and doing stuff online. Basically,I don't leave the house. I've got social anxiety which prevents me from doing anything. Just sit back and watch the opportunities fly past. I squandered my childhood and I've got nothing and nobody except my somewhat estranged family. I don't have access to a shrink period. I'm sure they would say I'm depressed among other things but I've still managed to go every single day of my life without ever considering suicide. To me,you're lucky. Kill yourself and your problems go away along with your future. Not really worth it. Suicide is quite simply the worst decision you can ever make. Beyond stupid. I think you know that because you sound very intelligent. Even I have some hope for the future. It's not exactly bright as I see it but you can never know what you'd be giving up. I know you see reason. Anyway,that's all I got for you. If you wanna talk,I'll be around. So long.

[purpllx]

Wow...You managed to put into words exactly how i have been feeling the past few months...You should seriously TRY to convince your family to take you to therapy because it sounds like you need direction in life..btw, i think that there is ways to get free therapy.

[Mradula]

wow!!!! I stopped negative thinking and started loving myself. Now i am having a totally positive attitude. I am friend to myself. I love myself. and i love others to. I forgave the people who has done bad to me. And started communicating with people slowly. Though i am not a good chat person, but i started to being just me!!!

Hope this helps!!!!