What do I deserve?

[Cameron]

I'm in a Dom/Sub Long Distance relationship.(As if that's any point in the problem).
We've been dating for a year and Four months now.
Regardless, everything used to be perfect.
Everything used to be amazing and beautiful.
I had a lot of fun, A lot of friends, a a lot of happiness and things to look forward too.
I had a lot of self respect for my personal views. I had a lot of respect for who I used to be.
I was faithful up until a year(This is the point of the problem)
And nearly got another girl pregnant. I punished myself more than she did for what I've done.
I lost the respect and dignity I had for myself, and put her first, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. (I still don't have either btw).
I don't respect who I am, because I am a hypocrite, a liar and most of all a cheater.
I never used to cheat. And I took pride in that fact. But of course, My wonderful self ruined it.
Never the less, She'd punish me, by going out with her friends constantly. And she enjoys it.
And though a part of me is selfish and wants her to myself, The other part wants her happy.
Wants her to smile, and have fun. Because she had no life, She was introverted, very shy, easy going. Whatnot.
But Pain changes people. she has changed, She's now very outspoken, very fiesty, and very quick to blow a fuse.
Regardless of all that.
Today was her birthday. And I barely spoke to her. This upset me a lot. A whole lot.
But of course, I put her first. As I'm supposed too.
And didn't, nor will I complain.
I feel insignificant at times because of it.
Even though it's how I'm supposed to feel. I feel lonely and insecure.
I find myself looking at social media sites that she visits, just to see what she's up too.
It hurts still, but not as much as it used too.
I used to get upset to the point where suicide was a constant thought. (it still is).
Regardless of that fact, Because of the guilt I felt for what I did.
I don't know what I deserve, and what I do not.
I feel as if I'm not the same man I used to be, or the same person.

I wanted to make a change, and I did, and lost myself in the process.
I don't talk about this to anyone, because I..well. I'm a dick, and barely have any friends.
Please help, please. Because no one else will.

[Rowdy MacFarlane]

An ice cream cone.