Cover Letter Critique?

[Miria]

(Note: This would be for a Public relations entry level position as an account coordinator. I've done 3 public relations internships so far (I'm a 23 y.o. college grad with a B.S. in Corporate Comm) And I am currently doing a public relations internship right now. And edits, tips, critiques would be great. I've spent 4 days trying to perfect this cover letter. Thank you!)

HR Name
Company
Address and Floor
City State Zip

Dear Sir/Madame,

I would like to take the opportunity to express the talents I would bring to Milk Studio. I acknowledge that Milk Studio focuses on maintaining strong relationship with their clients and the press in order to build trust for potential and current clients, as well as the general public. I understand the values and principles that Milk Studio withholds, and I believe I am the right candidate for the account coordinator position that is currently open.


Brainstorming new ideas and thinking of ways to be innovative and fresh are what I love to do. I get along well with everyone and stay in my lane. I do not create drama at work.

I possess solid interpersonal skills, as well as talents in creating communication pieces. During my internship at Spring Studio Public Relations, I produced style descriptions for Shoelovers.com’s 2013 summer/fall shoe collection. I also contributed the Shoelovers.com daily blog, with helpful posts relating to fashion and style. I was very keen on promoting Spring Studio’s clients through the use of social media, and generated 10% more facebook and twitter followers.

Through my managerial experiences at PacSun, my organizational skills have allowed me to prioritize schedules and complete projects within time and budget guidelines. Because my position requires me to be in constant communication with my colleagues on the west coast, as well as ship/receive items via UPS on a daily basis and complete weekly expense reports, I have mastered the essence of meeting and beating deadlines.

At PacSun, I have increased store sales up to 10% and improved customer satisfaction rates, by engaging in in-depth customer interaction, thorough employee training and evaluations, tracking, promoting, and reordering best selling products, and holding in-store sorority events with established Universities, NYU and Columbia University.

I am a resourceful team-player with the ability to lead when necessary and I love working in a fast-paced environment. My attention to detail has allowed me to finish my tasks with completely satisfactory from my superiors. My seven years of experience in customer service has helped me to establish long-term relationships with my clients.


Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

My Name

[Donald]

Gosh. Where do I begin? Note: I have an MA in journalism and I'm an accredited member (APR) of the Public Relations Society of America . . . so I know the field and what's expected. This cover letter won't work for you. One quick initial comment: It sounds as if English isn't your native language. I don't know if it is, but it doesn't come across that way. You use some odd constructions and phrasings. Anyhow, here's your letter, with some annotations:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would like to take the opportunity to express the talents
COMMENT: "express the talents" is a really odd phrase. At least "present the talents" or "present the skills."

I would bring to Milk Studio. I acknowledge
COMMENT: "acknowledge" means "admit" or "concede." That's the wrong sentiment. You mean "recognize."

that Milk Studio focuses on maintaining strong relationship with their clients
COMMENT: Grammatical error. "Milk Studios" is singular. Your verb is correct but then you say "their clients." Since it's singular, it must be "its clients."

and the press
COMMENT: "press" refers to printed material: newspapers and magazines. If Milk is involved in websites, social media, video, etc., use "media," not "press."

in order to
COMMENT: "in order to" is almost never necessary. Just write "to."

build trust for potential and current clients, as well as the general public.
COMMENT: Unclear. It might make sense that Milk works to build trust (presumably from the public) for its potential and current clients . . . though I don't know why Milk would do any work for potential clients. But Milk isn't working to "build trust for...the general public."

I understand the values and principles that Milk Studio withholds,
COMMENT: "withholds" is the wrong word. Maybe you mean "upholds." But "withholds" means to hold back, to not share. You certainly don't mean that.

and I believe I am the right candidate for the account coordinator position that is currently open.
COMMENT: "that is currently open" is superfluous. You wouldn't be applying for an account coordinator position that isn't open, would you?

Brainstorming new ideas and thinking of ways to be innovative and fresh are what I love to do.
COMMENT: First, is Milk looking for an account coordinator to brainstorm and be innovative? I doubt it. Identify what Milk is looking for, and then play up those qualities. Also, it's not about you; it's about Milk. It doesn't matter whether you love doing something or hate doing it. The question is: Are you GOOD at it?

I get along well with everyone and stay in my lane.
COMMENT: "stay in my lane" is a really odd phrase. Beyond that, brainstorming and innovation require that you move out of your lane (to use your phrase)--or, somewhat of a cliche, think outside the box. Someone who stays in her lane is likely to be a paper-pushing non-creative bureaucrat.

I do not create drama at work.
COMMENT: Really not necessary to say.

I possess solid interpersonal skills, as well as talents in creating communication pieces.
COMMENT: What talents?

During my internship at Spring Studio Public Relations, I produced style descriptions for Shoelovers.com’s 2013 summer/fall shoe collection.
COMMENT: Produced? If you wrote the descriptions, say "wrote," not "produced."

I also contributed the Shoelovers.com daily blog, with helpful posts relating to fashion and style. I was very keen on promoting Spring Studio’s clients through the use of social media,
COMMENT: I don't know what you mean by "very keen."

and generated 10% more facebook and twitter followers.
COMMENT: More than who or when? Also, "Facebook" and "Twitter" are proper nouns and must be capitalized.

Through my managerial experiences at PacSun, my organizational skills
COMMENT: Grammatical error. The word after "PacSun" must be "I." Your organizational skills didn't have managerial experiences; you did.

have allowed me to prioritize schedules and complete projects within time and budget guidelines.
COMMENT: It's unclear whether you're saying you acquired those skills at PacSun or that you demonstrated those skills at PacSun. Clarify.

Because my position requires me to be in constant communication with my colleagues on the west coast, as well as ship/receive items via UPS on a daily basis and complete weekly expense reports, I have mastered the essence of meeting and beating deadlines.
COMMENT: That doesn't logically follow. You've learned how to beat deadlines because you're in constant communication with colleagues? And the reference to UPS makes you sound as if you should be in the mail room.

At PacSun, I have increased store sales up to 10%
COMMENT: From when?

and improved customer satisfaction rates,
COMMENT: Any evidence?

by engaging in in-depth customer interaction, thorough employee training and evaluations,
COMMENT: Are you claiming that you performed employee training and evaluations? That's usually done at a much higher level. If you mean you received employee training and evaluations, your statement that you engaged in them is misleading.

tracking, promoting, and reordering best selling products, and holding in-store sorority events with established Universities, NYU and Columbia University.
COMMENT: Where did the sorority issue come up? You hadn't mentioned it before. Also, grammatically, "Universities" should be lower-case. Or delete and simply say "New York University and Columbia University."

I am a resourceful team-player with the ability to lead when necessary and I love working in a fast-paced environment. My attention to detail has allowed me to finish my tasks with completely satisfactory from my superiors. My seven years of experience in customer service has helped me to establish long-term relationships with my clients.
COMMENT: Trite. And now you're talking about customer service, which has almost nothing to do with public relations or communications.

Hope that helps.