Is this normal behavior for a teenager?

[hugglepuffmonster]

I'm just going to give you a little backstory on my life before I ask my actual question, just in case it helps.
My mother was a meth addict after my second brother was born, and there were times when I was taking care of my little brother (i.e. feeding him, changing him, so on) at only 4/5 years old. My father, growing up in a household where his father was absent and his mother was addicted to crack cocaine, didn't quite know how to react to it, in which the result was I ended up living with my grandmother. I always knew that something had happened because of who I'm living with now, but I was just now informed with this information, and it's causing me to lose control of things.

Another thing, is that I had a best friend, which, like most relationships between young girls, ended up just totally breaking off about a year ago, which has caused me depression. I know I'm depressed, but my family doesn't believe me. Learning about the past hasn't helped.

Now, onto the real thing. There are times when, not only do I think about killing myself, but I think about killing other people, too -- a lot of times, it's my family. I think about killing people all of the times that it scares me. My family angers me so much, to the point where I'm glad we don't have a gun in our house, because I'd be extremely tempted to use it.

When people piss me off at school, it takes every ounce of me not to swing at them, because I cannot stand being in that position. A couple of weeks ago, some ticked me off, and had my teacher not walked right up to me, I would've ended up whacking/stabbing this person with a yardstick that was conveniently in my grasp.

I know anger is normal in teens, because of the hormones and all, but I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way? I don't think this is normal -- I want to get help before it's too late, but my family, like I addressed before, wouldn't believe shit I told them.

Thank you guys.

[Faith]

Of course it isn't normal. See therapy.

[SFE]

Suicidal thoughts are very common for someone fighting depression.
I fought depression for many years, but I never had thoughts of harming others (only myself).

I do not believe that having thoughts of murdering family/classmates is 'normal'.
Yes, there is a lot of stuff going on in your body (puberty etc), but this still isn't the usual reaction.
Anger is normal, but not to this extent. It shouldn't consume you and control you.
You should be in control of your emotions, not the other way around.

You are battling depression AND anger issues, that is obviously going to take its toll on someone!
You do NOT have to do this alone.
I know you said your family will not help (believe you) and that is a big part of the problem, but honestly there are people out there who care. There are good people in the world, always willing to help a stranger.

I think you should seek professional help. Someone with the education and experience to actually HELP you.

You've clearly had a rough life, and you have had to deal with stuff that young children should never have to think about. It was.. very likely that you would end up feeling this way (just from your childhood, family life etc).

I really think you would benefit from some real help.
Here are some options:

- speak to family doctor (or go to walk in clinic) about your thoughts/feelings, and ask for advice/help.
they may want to try anti-depressants, anti-anxiety (etc) medications OR may need/want to refer you to someone who is more suited to help you with your situation.
medication might help, speaking from personal experience (and family/friends) it can take a while to find the right medication. medicine isn't always the right answer though, so it's up to the professionals (and you) to decide what will work best.

- speak to a counselor/teacher at your school.
they may have experience, or the contacts to refer you to someone who can help.

- set up an appointment to see a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist etc.
these people have the education and experience to help you with this. they know what questions to ask to get to the root of everything, and once they know what the 'problem is' they can help you fix it. they can't tell anyone what you discuss, and it is a judgement-free zone.
you can choose solo OR group therapy, depending on what you feel comfortable with.

- search (using google, facebook/other social networks etc) for local support groups.
you can be surrounded by people who understand what you are going through, who can share ACTUAL experience in a similar situation, who WON'T judge you etc.
sometimes they even have a 'professional' leading the group sessions.

- (this depends on your area) search for a 'Suicide Phone Line' or 'Children's Help Line' number you can call (for FREE) so you can talk to someone right from your house.

- if you are religious in any way you could always speak to a trusted member of your church/synagogue/mosque etc.
a priest in a church is bound to secrecy, and if you are a believer it might comfort you to speak with someone in this type of position.
(was raised catholic, decided not to get confirmed as I didn't believe or agree with the teachings of the church, now I'm an atheist)

some of these options may not work for you right now (depending on what your personal needs are, depending on the cost and what you can afford or if your parents/family decide to help you or not) but hopefully at least ONE can!
you should do some research (about your area) and see if your government provides any assistance (financially) to set people up with therapists/psychiatrists etc, or if there are any charities/programs currently running that try to help set up affordable help etc.