What do you think of this shortened version of a cover letter example?I know they're usually more paragraphs?

[Nicholas]

Dear Hiring Manager,

My name is Nicholas Munsky and I am interested in applying for the Customer Service Representative position as advertised on craigslist.com.I have experience in telephone sales support, as well as previous experience in order entry as.During my time at Sears I was primarily in charge of updating databases with customers information and writing up paper work for appliance repair invoices that would later be added into the company's records on a daily basis.
Please find attached to this email a copy of my resume which highlights my past work experience and relevant skills. I will be sending a follow up email within a week so that we can schedule an interview at your convenience. Until then if you have any questions, I can be reached at the cellular phone number below at anytime during the day.

I look forward to speaking with you.

Best Regards,

Nicholas Munsky
732-597-5540

Here's another example:

Dear Hiring Manager,

My name is Nicholas Munsky and I am interested in applying for the Marketing/Communication/Office Help position as advertised on craigslist.com.I have experience in telephone sales support which I gained during my tenure working for a market research company’s call center, as well as previous experience in retail sales and customer service. As far as social media, I have intermediate working knowledge of sites such as Linkedin, Twitter, and Facebook just to name a few.
Please find attached to this email a copy of my resume which highlights my past work experience and relevant skills. I will be sending a follow up email within a week so that we can schedule an interview at your convenience. Until then if you have any questions, I can be reached at the cellular phone number below at anytime during the day.

I look forward to speaking with you.

Best Regards,

Nicholas Munsky
732-597-5540

If this helps the postings were on craigslist and no information on who the Hiring manager was available neither was a phone number for that matter.I know cover letters are usually a lot more lengthy in content but sometimes unless they ask for it directly in a posting which these 2 didn't I fell like who's gonna look at a wordy letter if they give your resume only a 3 second look to begin with?

[chris b]

Both of those letters would end up in my trash basket if I were do the interviewing for these positions. They are among the least professional cover letters I have ever read and your cheekiness would not go unnoticed. You're applying for menial jobs and not "positions."

Take out the following sentence... "I will be sending a follow up email within a week so that we can schedule an interview at your convenience" Who doesn't know how to use Facebook or Twitter? These are not feathers in your cap...they're nothing.