Stupid and no self esteem, starting to cut again?

[Joe]

Hi there,

Im a 16 year old male whos going through a hard phase in life, but to be honest, im worried I might do something stupid. I will start by explaining my problem.

I am the eldest of my sibling (2 brothers and 2 sisters). My life wasn't the best considering I was surrounded by friends who had a better living standard than I did. I live in an apartment that has 2 rooms only, so I end up sleeping on the ground of the living room so my brothers don't have to.

I remember I used to be abused badly, BADLY, by my father, I recall when I was 10 years and I lied about something, he started beating me that I fell to the ground unconscious once and it wasn't something big I remember it was because I got bad grades at school and I tried to cover it up. im 16 and I still get treated like dirt, although he pays for my school fees etc, he just always goes around yelling names at me and smacking me. IDk why he would do it but he also used to abuse my mom. I could till today remember my mom screaming when my dad would beat the living shit out of her.

I never had a good relationship with my uncles etc, due to the fact that there was a family fued, so now my uncles, aunts, and cousins hate me. It really hurts me how I would see my friends having the time of their lives hanging out with their cousins etc.

that nots it, my uncle and my aunt suffer from schizophrenia and it hurts me to see them. I would always cry whenever I think of them thinking of how bad their lives turned to.

that's when the problem started. I started swearing at god, self harming, and I tried to SUICIDE when I was 15. I took a whole bottle of panadol pills. I remember waking up that day vomiting and feeling dizzy.

My life from that point onwards kind of picked up. My crush randomly started talking to me one day and now we are best friends. But what hurts me is that I have low self esteem and its thanks to everyone around me. everyone at my school is dating, making out etc. Ive been called ugly by a group of people on facebook who I don't even know. Ive been made fun off because of my looks at school hair colour etc.

And now as I am about to gradute I am cooping with the stress of external exams, I just realised how stupid I am. I am failing everything at school. I don't seem to be passing anything, which is hurting me indirectly.

Now my problems have came back I started cutting recently, and I have this huge cut that still wont stop bleeding for the past 30 min. Am being called stupid and ugly at school.

Only thing that is making me not shoot myself right now is the fear that I might go to hell although I don't really believe in god. And my best friend who is my crush.

a really boring question and I deeply apologize for it but I would really love it if someone is ready to help me .

best regards <3
i cut myself as a sort of way to tell myself im stupid.... idk why
and that i should work harder in life

[Holly]

Why should you start cutting when it's them who have hurt you. Do you still like your Dad? fOrgive him and go tell the people that don't like you what you feel. I know it may seem hard to tell your dad sorry but you know deep down he loves you

[James]

U can only help your self and untill u realise that your life will stay bad. Wait till your old enough get a job then move out and live on your own then life will get better

[Boys Town]

You have been through so much! You are obviously in a lot of pain. Self injury is often an attempt at controlling one's pain. The physical pain makes one forget the emotional pain. And there is sometimes a fine line between suicide and self harm. And you have expressed thoughts of suicide. But no matter what you are going through, harming one's self or suicide, is never the answer! You know this because you are reaching out for help. That takes a lot of courage! If you truly feel like you have no other recourse but to harm yourself or take your life, please call a crisis line for help. Most have counselors available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please give one a call before it's too late!

AG, Counselor