why is my friend mad at me?

[336]

We were in a relationship for two years. Things really were nothing but trouble for us mainly because of her. She'd get paranoid, objective, sarcastic, analytical, selfish, manipulative, twist things, blame me, and always convince herself I was the problem. She would blame herself and beg me to stay and would swear she was going to change. I would fall for it and she would get comfortable and return to her usual self again. Her analytical mind would always have conclusions about everything - to the point I would believe her and lose myself. after I broke up with her she went back to her usual seclusion back to her sanctum, being a loner.

She decided to focus on school and I ignored her for months. She never contacted me and I messed up by sending a message here and there on FB, but she never responded. Then Monday she sent a message telling me to go on Skype because she couldn't sleep. I didn't respond nor did I go on Skype because I have work all this week.

I haven't responded since she wanted me on Skype Monday night and today she sent me a message on FB telling me I was a parasite that leaches off her attention and I crawl back in my nook once she acknowledges me.

I didn't respond because I have work. Now I feel resentful because when I wanted to talk to her she ignored me. Now she seems to be mad because I didn't answer her. Like who does she think she is? did I mess up

[336]

Ok, your problem has two parts:
1) The first part is her. She sounds really messed up. She sounds like what I would call an "emotional vampire". She feeds off of and survives on the energy of other people in order to give her own existence meaning. In addition, she could have a personality disorder (she wouldn't happen to be a cutter or self-mutilator by any chance, would she?) Anyway, she sounds like she needs serious help. Usually, you CANNOT help people like her. She is and always will be (without professional help) be an emotional sink hole and, every time you get too close, you are going to get sucked right into it. The best thing that you can do is WALK AWAY! I know it is not easy. I have had to make that decision myself several times in my life. But trust me, once I did it...my life became so much easier and stress-free. Just ask yourself a simple question...are you happier when you are around her or when she is far away, and you will have your answer. Now, I am not asking if you miss her. Of course you miss her. She became a predictable (with all of her unpredictability) part of your life. But, are you HAPPIER when she is around. For some reason, after we have been wounded, we just love to pick at the scab. Stop picking at the scab and heal already!

2) However, yes...you messed up. You left her and she was OK with that. You said, "...after I broke up with her she went back to her usual seclusion back to her sanctum, being a loner. She decided to focus on school and I ignored her for months. She never contacted me..." So, she had dealt with you being out of her life. But, then you broke that seal by sending her messages on Facebook. You basically told her that she was important to you again and you wanted to be back in her life (even if it was just in a very small way). And let me tell you something...I can guarantee you that the reason why it took so long for her to respond was because she was asking herself some serious questions. She was asking herself, "Why is he contacting me? And, more importantly, do I want to open that door up again and let him in?"

Have you ever thought long and hard about a decision or a possibility (such as quitting your job, going back to school, getting a new roommate, whatever) until:
1) you became curious about the possibilities, then
2) you came to terms with the possibilities, and then finally
3) you became excited by the possibilities? I know I have and guess what?...so didn't she.

So, you put her into a position (that she didn't ask for) where she has to decide whether or not she wants to open that door again and then, after she decides, "Yes, I am willing to open that door again." and she responds to YOUR request...you ignore her without explanation? You said that you have not spoken to her in months. Does she know that you have a job? Does she know your current work schedule? The girl is not a mind-reader. You basically sent her a mixed message, which is very confusing and frustrating to people. First, you show her that you want to make contact with her...then you show her that you don't. What is she supposed to think? I used to have a best friend who would pull that crap on me for years. To this day, she wants to restart our friendship. However, I have up on her because I got sick of her mixed messages. First, she says she will call on Friday...then I do not hear from her for 6-months. This last time, she told me via Facebook that she was going to send me a letter explaining that she has changed and how important our friendship is. That was in the beginning of March...2013. And guess what...I sent her an angry message telling her to get lost and stop wasting my time. And that was the end of it. You basically did the same thing (although not to the same extreme). The courteous thing for you to have done (and this is true for everybody) would have been to immediately message her back; explain to her that you want to talk to her, but you can't right now because you have to work; and then ask her if the two of you could schedule a time when you could talk. This way, she knows what is going on in your head.

So, my advice? Well, as I said in the first part, she might not be someone who is healthy for you and you might want to move on. On the other hand, you did open that door...so you owe her an explanation and an apology. Tell her that you should have messaged her and explained to her that you had to work and you didn't mean to be inconsiderate. And, if you decide that it was a mistake contacting her...then admit it. Tell her it was a bad idea, you were being selfish and you didn't think it through...that, although you do miss her, you have realized that this friendship is not a good idea. Then, do not make that mistake again (easier said than done, I know. I have made that speech and that mistake MANY times with the same friend).

After that...it is up to you on which direction you want to go in. Try to rebuild the friendship or remember why you got out of the friendship in the first place. Who knows...sometimes people do grow up, change, and mature. Maybe she has. But, decide ahead of time what you want before you get her involved. Otherwise, that is not fair to her.

Good luck.