I really want to change, but is it even possible?

[Hellblade999]

I've spent years upon years fighting my greatest enemy-myself. I have huge character flaws in my personality that cause me to be a nuisance to other people as well as an emotional terrorist and sometimes a manipulator. My problems originate from childhood abuse, rejection issues and self-esteem issues which I have been struggling with all twenty years of my life. I also have bipolar disorder, however, after a recent incident that involved a very serious altercation between myself and a relative on Facebook, I have decided that I am sick of being defective. For once in my life, I'd like to take responsibility for my own actions and more than anything, I would like to work my way to some kind of normalcy. Over the last few years, I've made some big improvements already, however as a a child and a teenager, I was always the instigator of threats and verbal abuse towards my fellow classmates as well as other people. My disorder has played a big part in this, but when I look back at the last two years specifically, I notice that I have been making progress that no one ever thought possible before. I still have a long way to go, but I am willing to work there.
After the incident with the relative over Facebook, I decided to go to a mental health hospital again, voluntarily, in order to have an evaluation done to determine whether I should stay for a few days or should participate in an outpatient program. I gave a passionate speech to the evaluator and I was very honest about how I felt and that I really wanted to change for the better. Her assessment of me was that the outpatient program would be best for me. I'm twenty years old, I've made a lot of mistakes and bad choices in my life and I really do want to change. I've already decided that I'm going to do whatever it takes to fix myself so I never cause pain to another person ever again! I'm going to put my heart and soul into group therapy, I'm going to be as honest as possible with my second therapist and finally, I'm going to find the medication that will change my life forever! My relative was right, I am a loser, but there's still time to change that. Sometimes, I just wonder if it's even possible to change at this point, since I've already been fighting this battle for years and years of my life. I'm skeptical but I'm willing to try anyway, regardless of what I think the outcome is going to be.

[JL]

I have schizotypal personality disorder. It's not schizophrenia (no hallucinations) but I will say off the wall comments frequently. I am getting much better. I carry a small polished stone with me and rub it while people are talking to me. It seems to keep me from interrupting with my own comments, until they have finished at least.

Good luck on your journey.

[Thomas]

Yes. Change is possible.

In fact, you have already changed comparing to the past you.

Realizing that you need a change is actually the first step.

You have even further taken action to seek help from a hospital.

Changes happen everyday, however it may not be as drastic/ sudden...change will take some time...

Don't be discourage if your bad habit/ disorder repeat itself. Treat it like a mistake that we want to avoid and learn from.

Learn from each mistake and try our best not to repeat.

Most important thing is self-awareness. Be aware of your thoughts and actions at all time.

Understand yourself but I am not asking you to judge yourself. Just aware and understand.

Find out what bothers you the most resulting you to react in such a way.

Normally we react without thinking/processing. The reaction is immediate like a self defensive mechanism, which we regret later.

Train yourself to be self-aware and whenever you have such thoughts/stimulation, move yourself away...stop exploding like a robot..choose what to react and be a master of yourself.

This change will take time. Be patient...be aware of your thoughts...don't judge/disgust by them...just watch them...and choose to react/ not react according to your own judgement...

With this, you have already changed to be a master of yourself.