Can you rate my SAT essay?

[Cao]

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.

Adapted from J. David Velleman, "The Genesis of Shame"

Assignment:

Nowadays, technology has become crucial to many people because of its usefulness; however, everything has its own side effects. Our vital personal information can be seen through many legal means of communication. Therefore, we should make more of an effort to keep our things in private, especially of how we share personal information through the Internet, as well as financial lives.

First thing that came through my mind when I saw this topic was definitely the publicity of online networks such as Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr. Imagine when you register for Facebook, the first thing that you need to do is to fill in your information. That moment when you agree to share it, you just have given the world a chance to excavate your personal life through the timeline on Facebook. Through a click on your computer’s mouse, the possibility of a change in your life is becoming more significant. In 2011, there were those boys, who were not really well-educated in my country, updated their statuses that they had hit and killed an elder by their motorbikes. Those irresponsible lines were giving a rage in the internet community and as a result, they got arrested by the police officers. And this is just one of those typical types of people become too expressive on the internet because they think that the online networks are different from the real society. So be thoughtful before you do something that involves with publicity.

Secondly, during this economic recession period, people should even pay more attention to their personal financial figures because there are many frauds and hackers out there waiting for carelessness to snip off our money. Imagine if one day, you opened your online banking system and there were an amount of money up to $2,000 had been cryptically disappeared! Not only will you be terrified but also will you have to contact with the bank to clarify your situation. This is not even involved those time-consuming processes that you have to deal later in the long term future. Usually when these cases happened , it was because the hackers, who can possibly bank’s employees or other people, have your private information such as credit cards, security numbers. You can prevent this by using a more unpredictable password, keeping your personal information only for yourself or even purchasing insurance for the loss of your financial assets.

In short, people should pay more attention on keeping their lives more private, being more prudential to the possibilities that could happen if they were careless. These examples are just a few of those myriad situations in the real world. In fact, people are actually still being defrauded although that they have pay more awareness. Thus, try to keep as much as privacies as you can and remember the values of your information before sharing them to other companies.

[Batgirl]

your concepts are fairly good, but the actual writing needs quite a bit of work.

its an essay, not a conversation. leave out all the 'my mind' and 'i saw' stuff.

publicity is misused both times.

'those boys' is way way too vague

your banking examples, also way too vague

you have no historical or literary example at all

I'd likely give it a 3 out of 6 as a grader but I think you have the ability to get a 5 or 6 out of 6 if you learn to write what the graders are looking for.