Would anyone be ever so kind to review my essay?

[Sean]

I have to write a 250 word essay on an extracurricular experience for my Common Application. I was instrumental in beginning a youth volunteer club at our school, so I felt like it was a perfect topic to write about. My essay is 249 words long. Let me know what you all think!

Thanks!

I was able to put my leadership skills to use in the creation of the Martins Ferry Leo Club. The Martins Ferry Lions Club encouraged students at our school to begin a Leo Club. I was very interested in starting one after learning what purpose they served. The Leo Club is a youth leadership club whose members are dedicated to creating "new and exciting youth volunteer opportunities". Early on in the club's existence I was sworn in as secretary. As secretary, I was responsible for maintaining all of the club’s records and files, including minutes, rosters, and correspondence. I also took on even more projects; I was chairperson for a number of committees ranging from pancake breakfasts to city wide clean-up days. I led the committees by assigning roles to qualified members and setting up meetings so we could discuss our ideas. I also accomplished a lot as an ordinary member of the club. Membership is an important part of any club, and I successfully managed to bring in several new members. I created a Facebook group page for our club and made multiple connections with other clubs from around the world, including clubs from Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, and Madagascar. I was also responsible for marketing many of our club’s events. After taking on many leadership roles in our club, I was elected president by my peers. Soon after, our club was officially chartered. The Leo Club has been a great platform for me to exhibit my leadership qualities.

[Inco]

Hello-

Your essay is fantastic! I see only a few minor grammatical errors that you probably already have corrected.

Good luck!

[SumDude]

One of the better examples of writing on Y!A. However, from a more experienced perspective, I wonder if the first three or four lines can be "tightened up" (made shorter)*. I also have 2 ideas for you to give yourself more deserved credit.

* "... what purpose they serve. (their purpose is) ... "

brag " .... creation AND DEVELOPMENT ... " {considering you recruited people, got it chartered, and became president}

change the pedestrian language of "a lot" at least MUCH (but hopefully even a better word)

* Line 3 "I was very interested in GETTING INVOLVED after learning..." {because you did do more than just start it} (now ref my idea of shortening) "it is a youth club whose ...>>"

see how I cut out from WHAT .. CLUB without losing any ideas or transition

"exhibit" might be the wrong wrong b/c it sounds like you are trying to show them off; whereas you are using them and strengthening them, etc (use a thesaurus)