How to deal with an awkward situation with a roommate?

[No Good Rascal!]

My roommate has been extremely messy since we've lived here. Last week, she had excessive pizza boxes and open containers of food and it was both jarring and smelling up the room. Normally I don't care, but since we both live in the same room it was obviously an issue and I was getting really upset.

I'm pretty afraid of confrontation/non-confrontational in general, so I planned to write a letter to her about the situation, and the letter ended up being more of a rant telling her she needs to clean, it's gross,ect,ect. I was going to revise it to make it softer and less angry sounding but I left the room for like 10 minutes and apparently she snooped through my computer and saw it and got pissed. Like, really pissed.

Evidently, she made some passive aggressive facebook status like "well ur not a greate roommate either, babe grow up!" and she had all her friends from her hometown send me messeges on facebook, calling me a slut ect, telling me to grow up and how they all love her and I'm like ????

I talked to her about it and she said it was fine and she ended up cleaning up, but now it's really awkward. What am I supposed to do?
I should also mention I'm really socially awkward, so I was trying to handle the situation as tactfully as possible. But it backfired, clearly.

[Alema Pequoia]

The biggest fault I see is that you allowed your unfinished letter to be read before you were through editing it. Just like with emails, you have to be exceptionally careful not to send something out or let it be seen before you (a) have cooled off, (b) have proofread the document, © are sure your facts are accurate, and (d) have ascertained that YOU are ready to send it out into the world knowing that you will not be able afterward to get it back, revise it, amend it, explain it, or anything else.

Your roommate, in addition to being a slob, was snooping through something of yours that was still private. She has no right to get all snippy just because she found something she didn't like. That's the trouble with snooping and eavesdropping: one never hears good about oneself.

You need to grow a spine. Get some counseling if you need it to build enough gumption to stand up for yourself. You need to learn to speak up before things get out of hand to the point you can't handle it any more. You should try to work out a compromise with your roommate on acceptable states of cleanliness, orderliness, whether clothing or other possessions can be borrowed, etc., all of which should be put in writing and signed by you both.

You might want to mention to your roommate that the open food containers and trash will lead to health problems such as having roaches, spiders, and mice take over your living space. You'll both be constantly worrying about where these vermin are, where they've walked and defecated, what they might've sampled but left looking untasted, and what they're doing when you're in bed.

As to the "facebook war," that's the real trouble with social sites like that: You never get the opportunity to confront those sneaky types and their vicious innuendoes, harmful hints, shady implications, nasty name-calling, offensive suggestions, and wicked insinuations. Ignore it. No apology will ever fully erase the sting. Forget it.

P.S.: While I have to admire that your tactfulness allowed you to be able to get back on some sort of speaking terms with your roomie, my advice is this: Start looking for another roommate. This situation is probably beyond repair.

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[woollysheep]

This is embarrassing and awkward. But it is her fault, not yours. So what if she doesn't like you? You would be crazy to like some one like her, and presumably you will not choose to share with her next year. As far as what happened on Facebook. I would talk to her about it. Just calmly say what her friends did was inexcusable - and it was her fault. It would be good if she apologized for her behaviour on Facebook (actually put an apology on Facebook, admitting that she was sneaking around in your private things and then incited her friends to cyber-bully you). Leave it at that. Insist you don't want to discuss it, you won't discuss it (say this very, very calmly), and just say - you know what you should do, it is up to you whether you want to do it or not. End of story!

Does she realise that in the UK she could be found guilty of committing a crime? Possibly even incurring a jail sentence?

I rather suspect she will turn nasty again, sooner or later. If that does happen, do try to find out if there is any possibility of changing rooms. Leave it for now, but at the first sign of more trouble, write a written complain against her to the college management. Make it a calm and factual complaint. Make it clear you understand there is probably not much they can do, but you hope they would not expect anyone else to share with her without warning them what she is like. Apart from anything else, she sounds like a nasty bully. People like her often report their victim for doing what they are doing. So when you try to explain that actually she is the one causing trouble, it just looks like you are making excuses. Just be careful, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Don't trust her.