I was terribly sad, but now I'm numb and lost. Please help me I'm desperate?

[ANONYMOUS PINAPPLES]

Hi, I'm 13 years old andI have had a lot of problems in my life, including family, friends and bullying. My mother is practically mental. A drug addict, alcoholic, liar, b**ch, and she used to beat my father. My father isnt actually my dad though... My mum cheated so I've never met my biological dad. But I'm happy with my fake dad.

I've lived with my grandparents since I was two years old, and my Pa died in 2009 when I was 9. So it was just my nana and me. I saw my dad every Wednesday and every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, as I would stay the weekend with him at his house. Unfortunately I had many problems with his wife. I was extremely scared and upset, crying myself to sleep every night. I moved to my dad's for over a school term, when I was in year three. I was seven years old. Things were really, really bad there and I had to move back in with my grandmother, and that term I spent there still traumatizes me every day. There is a lot more to those stories, including my mum threatening to murder my dad and I when I was a baby, but there's also worse. I won't mention everything because I'd probably have to write a novel. I was taken from my dad when my mum cried wolf and lied about him being abusive etc. My dad could only visit me once a month, with police in the room. Luckily I dont keep contact with my mum nymore. I dont trust her and I hate her nd can never rebuild our relationship. She recently got diagnosed with liver cancer and kidney failure and she keeps ringing my house to talk to me. She begs for sympathy, but to be honest I'm so glad she's dying. I know it sounds harsh but you dont know her how I do, so dont judge me on that.

At school I am bullied, called names, and people spread horrid rumors. People diss my facebook profile picture because I am wearing Black Veil Brides makeup. I understand they dont know that type of music and yaddayadda but it still hurts. A lot of the bullying comes from facebook. A lot in class, lunch time and a LOT on the school bus. One particular group of girls would yell things to me from the back of the bus every day, hurtful things until one year 12 from another school stood up for me, and those girls have been silent ever since. One girl apologised to me privately, but I cant forgive her. Ive told her I have, but inside I hate her guts.

So yeah, I am traumatised by my past every day, by the school bullies and the pressure of homework and maths work, which I struggle with a lot. One of the hardest things is looking in the mirror every day and seeing my mother's face. I feel sick to the stomach knowing we are related. I'm sorry this is so long, but there is still more. I will save you thr trouble of reading so much nd stop writing about those things.
Last night I cut for the first time. I made about thirteen shallow cuts, some on my stomach, knee and thigh, I hope to God no one notices. Since the last school holidays, weeks and weeks ago I was terribly scared, out of my wits and I wasnt sure why. I was extremely anxious about retrning to school. I was having some sort of panic attack, crying rocking back and forth, whining like a dog, and staring at a wall for a long time. I've had a few of these recently, once in maths class, but I tried my best to hide it. I've been very upset, maybe even depressed but I'm not sure, Im not sure what it feels to be depressed. I've had headaches for over a week and the doctor said it was due to stress.
Lately I dont feel anything. I havent felt anything at all really. Sometimes I would cry and be upset, but mostly I was numb, just staring at a wall for hours until I fell asleep. I dont know what to feel, I'm numb, confused, and lost. I reallly need someone to help me, I dont care who but I need this help. I'm so lost, and I dont want to cut again but I feel I need to. My headache is getting pretty bad right now. I was called into the assistant pricipals office the other day at school, and the ap said that teachers are concerned about me, thinking Ive been a bit 'down' lately. Which I have. I told him not to worry but he didnt believe me, so I ended up telling him some of the bullying side.
Last night I got a call from my dad saying the AP called him and told him. WHAT DO I DO PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME IM CRYING RIGHT NOW I NEEEEED YOUR HELP.

[petee p]

Visit blackdogtribe.com for online support.. Also Ur selfesteem is very low right now. U need to find ways to improve it, look online for tips. Also try learning and doing new things; start small and this will give u a sense of achievement. .. Visit yourlifeyourvoice.org to talk to a free online councellor.. Look up exercise and depression online it releases endorfins which improve mood and brain chemistry. and Art Therapy; channelling what ur feeling into something creative helps ur brain process the negativity in ur head. also find some volunteer work; helping others or nature builds selfesteem, gives life new meaning gives perspective and good karma... u dont have to believe in god but finding some spirituality can really help and good karma is a good start... basically research all u can on depression then when u find things that help come on here and share with the other deprrssed people, more good karma. Why not join clubs groups and activities in ur community where you ll meet like minded people. Or challenge urself by joining groups u wouldnt normally be interested in.  good luck and dont be afraid of going to ur doctor, be totally honest and they ll understand and be able to help; medication can work wonders, like lifting a weight from ur shoulders.