Mother and brother won't speak to me. What can I expect, and what might I do that's a healthy choice?

[ChillPath]

I grew up being bullied by my brother, and cut down constantly by my mother. My father is very passive and just looked the other way. In the past several years I've read a lot of self-help stuff; Anthony Robbins, Stephen Covey, stuff like that. And it had a significant impact on my self-worth and on my dignity. I realized that I didn't have to cower, or retaliate, but could kindly 'request' dignity by my actions and not continue the dance of ill intimacy that my mother and brother had warped me into.

Last June my mother was cutting me down on the phone, which has happened weekly for years. And I told her I was not going to chat with her again unless she changed her way of speaking to me. She went into a rage and hung up the phone. I've always needed her approval regardless of her ill treatment of me (I know, codependent probably) so I called her the next day to try and patch things up. When she answered the phone she immediately started cutting me down again. Instead of admitting to any faults or cowering, I waited about a minute and then told her, I will not be treated this way. This conversation has got to continue with a different tone or I can't continue talking to you. She immediately hung up the phone on me.

That was four months ago, and she never called back. My son turned one yr old during that time, I lost a job for the first time in my life due to a 50% company-wide layoff, and then got a new great job in spite of that loss about a month later. Some big events. I know that she knew of these things because she has access to my Facebook page. Never once did she call or write. I called her once about a month ago and we had a very pleasant conversation, although it was odd because we talked about the weather, about the news, etc. but never about the issue between us. That was a month ago and she still hasn't called.

When I brought my son to meet extended family this past July, on a family vacation, my brother was as usually negative and confrontational with me. He has a sour attitude in general, but he aims it at me when a group is around. At one point in front of the family he made jabs at my son. I told him that I would not put up with that, and he and I were not going to continue a relationship until I received an apology and changed his behavior. He cussed me out and left the room. I tried calling him once, and he didn't return my call.

I feel like these family members will only have a relationship with me if I am willing to fulfill their abusive needs. Plain and simple. But I just don't know if there is another way I could go about handling them more effectively, yet, also with continued dignity.

Please share if anyone has a good idea. Thank you

[â™›Angelaâ™›]

Now that you know that none of your family wants to be around you unless you are a punching bag, what are you gonna do? Are you going to sit and wait for them to call you or are you gonna get on with your life. I'm sorry that you didn't have a great family, but it sounds like you are much better off without them. You can't change them. Plus you have a new family now.

[Joanna]

"I've always needed her approval regardless of her ill treatment of me" I can understand that completely.
Although my family are less extreme, I seem to fill the same role in my family that you do - I am always the one pandering to my family members in order to get their love and approval.

It's difficult to know what to do. What is your dad's opinion of what has happened recently? Is he interested in your son? Perhaps talk with a neutral member of family - your mum's sister for example. She might be able to make your mum see sense in a way that may make her realise her actions towards you.

[Sam]

I'm not a psychologist (studying, though!) , and I'm probably younger too, but I think it's just simple enough to confront them and ask them why they're acting like this towards you. You'll catch them by surprise. It's better not to ask for apologies right up front. Assess the situation and understand it first. Because you're demanding so much at a time from them, while they're usually the dominant them, they use cussing to deal with the slap. Instead of just asking them to apologize from the outside, you also have to understand how they're feeling, and the reason that they're doing this before you ask for something more. I feel like writing more, but I forgot what I was going to write o-o. Anyways, Take care, I hope this helps.

[TH]

It is a difficult skill, to accept criticism without getting angry. Try to squelch the urge to justify yourself, whine, or fire back some criticisms of your own, and focus on what exactly is being said. ’Teen magazine put it this way: “Listen to criticism with your head and not your emotions.”

Doing so helps you avoid magnifying or exaggerating what the other person is saying. Is this person really calling you worthless or a complete failure, or is he or she simply saying you did a sloppy job of painting the garage or of cleaning the stove? If the latter is true, why overreact? “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 7:20, Today’s English Version) And even if you did fail at some particular task, it hardly means that you are a failure at life itself. So remind yourself that you have other strengths and virtues.

“Every time he does something stupid,” confessed one father, “I say, ‘You jerk.’” What if your parent likewise resorts to name-calling or other verbal abuse? First, get hold of your emotions! “Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit.”—Proverbs 17:27.

Don’t focus on the supposed injustice of what is being said; that will just get you angrier. Focus, instead, on the areas in which you need to improve. Give them the benefit of the doubt if they appear to be tired or stressed-out from work. “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression.”—Proverbs 19:11.

While a counterattack would be inappropriate, you may be able to take some of the steam out of the assault. For example, try asking for specific ways to make improvement. Says Proverbs 15:1: “An answer, when mild, turns away rage, but a word causing pain makes anger to come up.”

[Serene E]

Yes, you are exactly right. They won't have a relationship with you unless they can beat you up.

So you were correct in your standing up to them and you were wrong to then call them to try and make up. Stand by your guns, dear. You've been abused by them for decades. Keep that spine strong and don't give in!!!!!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!