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Jess · 11-09-2012, 01:38 PM

Hi,

I'm not sure where to go to get advice on an issue that is currently causing me concern. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 2 years ago, but due to his severe depression, I maintained contact to offer him support. His frequent suicide threats started taking its toll on me, and in December last year, I cut off contact completely. I have not responded to any of his phone calls or text messages, despite the fact that I can receive 50 calls from him a day and several text messages. More recently, the situation seems to have escalated, whereby he has started calling my work, and I can feel that his mental state is deteriorating further. His messages seem to have become angry, and whilst he does not know where I live, he knows where I work. Furthermore, the situation has been worsened by the fact that he has become aware of the fact that I have a new boyfriend (including the name of my boyfriend)- I am not sure how he has acquired this information as we have no mutual friends, he lives in a different part of the country to me, and he does not have access to my profile on Facebook. Since this has come to his attention, he has sent me several angry messages, including some threatening to "make me suffer mentally".

I am starting to feel afraid of what he may do to me, or even my boyfriend. He has informed me that he may be taking up a position that will likely be in my place of work, which will put us in very close proximity. Whilst I was in a relationship with my ex, he did not abuse me, but he was jealous and possessive. Possibly as a result of his depression, he feels as though I owe him something - that I had and still have, an obligation to stand by him and remain in a relationship with him, and that by not doing that, I have destroyed him further and am now even more indebted to him. I have been to the police, to make them aware of the situation, but I am reluctant to do anything that will lead to him having a mark on his record, as this may make him more angry.

Any suggestions??
Thanks for all the comments. I feel so much better after reading what people said - I guess I knew what I had to do, I just didn't know if I was being unfair. I will do what I have to do to protect myself. xxx

Nichole · 11-09-2012, 01:46 PM

Get Away From Him!
He's Pretty Crazy. I Had This Same Situation. YOU NEED TO SHOW HIM WHO'S BOSS! He Will Back Down When You Step Up!
Take Charge Don't Let Him See Your Fear!
Hide It!

H A E · 11-09-2012, 01:46 PM

You're encouraging this behavior by doing nothing about it. This man needs professional help. Gather up evidence, take it to the police and ask them to have him evaluated.

tia · 11-09-2012, 01:46 PM

Your only way out if for you to get a restraining order. Don't wait until he does harm to you or your boyfriend. It would rather know that he has a record than to hear that you or your boyfriend are 6 feet in the ground. You cannot trust that man and you know it. You need to make sure that you and your boyfriend are safe 24/7.

Malorianna · 11-09-2012, 01:46 PM

It is not your problem any more if he has a mark on his record. This is not only harassment, it's also a type of abuse. Inform the cops, get a restraining order, file charges, get a lawyer, tell your new boyfriend, get a new phone number, tell your boss, etc. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself. This guy is dangerous. You owe him nothing. This is all about your safety, and those around you now.

Lamisah · 11-09-2012, 01:46 PM

Don't do anything to encourage the suicide threats , try seeking professional help like a therapist or something,but support him through it bcuz he probably trusts you with him rather than leaving him alone with someone, doubt police will do much to be honest, unless it gets really dangerous, is ur current boyfriend aware of him? Bcuz he should be just incase,

Christine · 11-09-2012, 01:46 PM

Depression, my foot. He is manipulative and bullying. Change your phone number, tell your work switchboard not to accept his calls and tell the police so they log every incident. He is effectively stalking you. Make him angry? why aren't you angry? You owe him nothing and he owes you a very big apology.

bored_and_p*ssed · 11-09-2012, 01:46 PM

OK. Here's the good news. You weren't married to him. Which means that it's not gonna be minimised by the police as a 'domestic' incident, meaning they would probably do nothing.

Trouble is, unless he really is threatening you physically, its still going to be hard, and you clearly have excellent insight into your own problem from what you post. More than most people. I agree that he is using 'depression' as an excuse. He is an abuser, not a victim, and he is abusing you, and he abused you during your relationship as well, maybe not physically, but emotionally.

I like your analysis as to what's in his psyche - again, very very intelligent. Your 'smarts' will carry you through this. I think what you should do is go to police, and bring as much evidence as you can - any emails, texts, etc. that show he's not wired right. Bring phone records showing proof of the amount he's phoning you. Show proof that you've asked him to stop contacting you (have you?), otherwise he can claim that you seemed 'fine' about him contacting you. You even admitted this in your post - that you want to help him. Time to stop being nice, love. He doesn't need help, he needs a proper kick in the a*se and a caution by police to stop bothering you or face arrest. Can you see he's manipulated you into believing he's someone to feel sorry for. It's all b*llocks. People like him take advantage of people like you. You've got to wise up to this sort of thing, else you'll fall for it again with someone else.

Again, as you werent married, police can do more. It's women like me who have to suffer our abusive ex partners because when we complain, it's a 'domestic,' and not taken too seriously, and there is also a sort of attitude that says that if you were married, he still 'owns' you and therefore you should still suffer him. F*cked up? Entirely. But that's how it is. It is very, very hard for women to get restraining orders or get their ex husband's nicked for harrassment - women are also often perceived as lying to spite their ex partner. So be glad you're not in that boat.

Good luck, and keep safe as he does sound potentially dangerous - never leave work late, and try to go to your car with someone, and always check the carpark before you go outside. Also make sure he's not following you home by checking your mirrors regularly. Last, keep a camera on you at all times, to allow you to get photo evidence in the event he turns up at your work, etc.