absent parent - how do I get them to be involved or my daughter deal with the hard facts?

[Beth]

my daughter is 14. her dad has never paid child support and only visited her 2X since the divorce 4 years ago. She is still very devistated. We currently cannot find him and she feels so abandoned. Any suggestions for me on how to have her deal with this?

[abraca]

She is dealing with a tremendous loss. Aknowlege that. She needs to be told that his absence has nothing to do with her. He is just a bad parent. Even though he is absent she still has you and you will always be there for her. You need to be both parents for her. Unfortuneately this will affect her. It is a common story.

[Kelly Trimoore]

All you can do is give her your support. There is nothing else you can do. In time, hopefully, it will all come together. I, for example, only saw my dad a total of 2 times since I was born. It wasn't until I turned 25 that my father had his new SON contact me on facebook (of all ways to contact someone) to let me know how much he has heard about me his whole life wanted to know me bla bla bla. I forgave him though, and am trying to have a relationship with my estranged father. Eventually, your daughter will probably have to be the one to be strong and forgive her father. There is nothing you can do right now except wait. I'd encourage her to not let this interfere with her life too much. That is just a waste of time. Tell her to stay focused on her own life and goals. I'm so sorry for her. I know how she feels. I have cried so much from feeling so abandoned and unwanted by my father so I know how difficult it is to deal with, but he made the decision to be a deadbeat and HE is the one who is missing out. It is NOT her fault, but his own and someday he WILL regret it. She'll be in my prayers . Good luck.

[Mary Meyer]

Good advice from Kelly. Just let me add , you have to be careful she doesn't have any inappropriate relationships looking for a Daddy substitute . It's a big danger with girls her age. Make her as independent as you possibly can.Plenty of love and good self-esteem are the best defense against this.

[Smiles]

Yes, you tell her that my son went through the same thing she did. My son is 26, he finally got to speak to his absent dad last month. His dad still remembered him. He even tried to come visit with him after he was born but he told my son that my mom refused his visit. I didn't know it. He said he has been calling an old phone number for many years and the last time was in 2005. My son told his dad that my mom spoke a lot about him. She even tried for me to locate him in 2005 since he's in the Military and he has access to data files. First place to look would be the Social Services in your area or Child Support Divisions in your area. Not sure where you live and with the states guidelines I do not know if they have them in your area. Here are some suggestions, find anything that relates to him like relatives, neighbors, work location, facebook or social networking, library microfilms, Social Security Administration, IRS, courthouse or school reunion locations. Some where some one may recognize the name and/or face. Lets hope you have pictures of him and his personal information. Tell her not to give up hope. My son is now happy with his new family. He seems to ignore me now...lol I hope this helps.