How do I make this Twitter bio sound funnier?

[Thumbelina]

So I need to write my Twitter bio, and I came up with this:

My life is a constant battle between strategically planning it out and actually implementing it. Loving the whooshing sound deadlines make as they fly by. Plus, my Mom won't get me checked for ADHD.
OR
Ah, dreams turning to dust. Time to vacuum, eh? But hardwork pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Please can you make them funnier, I'm planning on choosing the first one, so the first line of the first bio- I wanna make it soud awesome, help?

[Nohl]

I`d recommend using original material instead of plagiarizing Douglas Adams. But I like the first line!