What are some hilarious thoughts/quotes/poems?

[Alyssa]

i love to post things like this on facebook. im running outta ideas

Thanks ya(:

[Techgirl7]

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the rest of the week says W.T.F."

"Good morning, i see the assassins have failed."

"I speak 12 languages. English is my bestest."

Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn’t want my arms to get cold…

"i wanted to kill the sexiest person alive... but suicides a crime."

tip of the day:
When you are going through airport customs and you are asked
"do you have any firearms with you?"
do not reply "what do you need?"

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

Only time can heal your broken heart,
Just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs"

Do it today, because tomorrow it might be illegal!"

""I'd take a bullet for you.
Not in the head, but in the leg or something"

i was gonna post "im so good at procrastinating!"
but i think i'll wait until tomorrow

[babyboomer]

The father smiled to see his child
Come running to his side.
"Please tell me, Daddy, what is meant
By that word 'sex'", she cried.

He looked aghast at this sweet girl -
She was but eight years old;
Too young, he thought and innocent
To break this childhood mould.

She should be playing with her dolls
Or other toys she had
Instead of asking questions such
As this one of her Dad.

With openness and honesty
An inborn family trait,
This Dad explained the facts of life
Quite candidly and straight.

His discourse finished, thankfully,
He kissed her on the cheek;
No word she'd uttered all the while,
But now began to speak:

"I didn't think my question was
A matter so complex,
For Mum just said to tell you lunch
Is ready in two secs."
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Ladies and jellyspoons, hobos and tramps,
cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
to tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
there’s a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only;
wear your best clothes if you haven’t any.
Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home.
Admission is free, pay at the door;
pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit,
the man in the gallery’s sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go,
let me tell you a story I don’t really know.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.
One was blind and the other couldn’t see,
So they fought in front of a referee,
(The blind man went to see fair play;
the mute man went to shout “hooray!”)
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and killed the two dead boys.
A paralysed donkey passing by
kicked the blind man in the eye;
knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
If you don’t believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too,
through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
And the man with no legs walked away.
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I woke early one morning
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his flipping head!!

I'm not a morning person.
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I AM MY OWN GRANDPA

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I got married to a widow, pretty as could be.

This widow had a grow-up daughter with flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother.
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma, too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!