how do you deal with your best friend getting a new best friend?

[I AM ! ! !]

my best friend claire and i used to hang out all the time.. then 4 months ago this guy she had made friends with on facebook came back home(he was away at college) and she met him and they started hanging out together and she's really been ignoring me ever since.. i haven't hung out with her since but i see her around sometimes and it's always her and her boyfriend or her, her bf and this new guy.. her boyfriend asked me how come i don't hang out with them anymore and i told him and he told me to join them more but i just feel very odd being around her when she's been ignoring me like that.. i'm pretty hurt by what she did and sometimes don't even feel like meeting my other friends cuz i feel they're all the same way.. was ignoring this but now it's making me a lot less social..

[Heather H]

Nah dude, not all ppl are like that, unfortunately this friend isn't a true friend otherwise she wouldn't behave this way. Don't let this phony turn you off your other friends, just don't hang out with her

[scrawnygrade483]

Have you tried talking to Claire about how you feel?

If you honestly value her friendship, you need to make her aware that you miss the time that you used to spend together. If possible, you will want to try to make sure the two of you can be alone, because if you confront her about this in front of others, she is more likely to feel like you are attacking her and embarrassing her. Avoid statements that make her feel like you are blaming her for the situations (ie "You're spending more time with Facebook Guy and ignoring me") and instead try explain how you feel in as neutral a tone as possible. Avoid statements that might make her feel pressured, or might come across as threats, such as "I don't want to lose our friendship."

A good tactic to take might be something like: "Claire, I really value our friendship, and I feel that we have been drifting apart lately. I know that you have other friends who value your company, and I appreciate the fact that (boyfriend's name) has invited me to join you when you are hanging out as a group, but I also miss the one-on-one time we used to spend together, and was wondering if you might be able to make some time for that in your schedule."

In that example, you would have let her know that her friendship is important to you, and that you value the friendship on a one-on-one, personal level. You've taken ownership of the situation by expressing it in terms of how YOU feel ("I feel we've been drifting...) rather than putting the blame on her (ie "you've been ignoring me"). You will be taking the time to show that you are understanding of the value of her time, as well as her other social obligations, and you will also be expressing your desire for more personal attention while not devaluing or ignoring the fact that you were invited, by her boyfriend, to "group events."

If there is some reason that she has been avoiding you, the fact that you were able to express your concerns and wants in a clear, mature, and non-accusatory way may make her more likely to feel comfortable in being direct with you about why she has been ignoring you. If she has simply been busy, or has been so caught up in socializing with others that she has been inadvertently ignoring you, then your approach should make her less defensive and more likely to want to work with you to remedy the situation,

From the fact that you mention Claire's friend coming home from college, I'm assuming that you (and the majority of your social group) are likely in your late teens to early twenties. This tends to be a "transitional" time for many people as they start taking they first steps into the post-high school, and then post-college, world. Responsibilities increase, and time for socialization decreases. People move, first off to college, then off to wherever they can find a job in their chosen career, and this can lead to old social bonds being broken and new ones being formed. If you are going to want to continue socializing with the friends you currently have, this is going to be the time when it will often be on your shoulders to step up and keep the bonds strong. Ultimately, it will be up to you to decide which of your current friendships deserve the kind of effort this will take, and which you will have to let go of as you, and they, move into different phases of life. On the plus side, the social skills you gain from maintaining the friendships you choose to keep will likely have significant value to you throughout the remainder of your life, and the friendships that do transition with you will likely be some of the most rewarding you ever have.

[Ms Tee]

Yea tht happens a lot, you should try mending the friendship now by talking to her or letting the fact that she's ignoring you for the other dude go, if you really value the friendship cos if you let it go on for a longer period, your friendship would be over before you even realize it.

[cmpa1970]

i feel your pain. i've been through this several times. it doesn't get any easier. it will always hurt. that's the way 99.9% of people are. you just have to suffer through it i'm sorry.