Edit my college essay please!?

[treehugs83]

Hi! I'm applying to college soon and I would really appreciate it if someone could edit this. This is my free response essay on the CommonApp. I had my teacher look over it once already and she said I need a stronger introduction and more advanced vocabulary. She liked the last two paragraphs though. Any suggestions on how to make this a better essay would be great. I really need help because I'm having total writer's block and don't really know how to change it or what to say. THANK YOU!!!! Here it is:

I believe everyone can make a difference. I highly dislike when I hear my peers saying “I’m only one person, how can I do anything?” I think that’s what the problem is with some of my generation. Everyone thinks that they’re just one person and there’s just seven billion other ones out there who will do the work. They think “those other people won’t litter or they’ll recycle or finish the food that’s on their plate so I should’t have to.” Realizing this from an early age I was determined to go against what everyone seemed to be doing. Caring solely about themselves and how they look and if they have a Blackberry or not or how many likes they get on their Facebook pictures. Where was that going to get someone in life? Nowhere. Instead I decided I would invest my time in something useful. I always loved being outdoors and I developed a passion for the environment upon entering high school. So, what could I do that would make a difference in my life? I soon found my answer in tenth grade Advanced Science Research class.
Ms. Geraci, my ASR teacher, is one of the most fascinating women I know who knows a tremendous amount about science. She is not only an expert in biology but also an expert in teaching me about life’s valuable lessons. I really do look up to her. We were casually discussing the same topic of “I can’t make a difference” theme when she mentioned that our high school recently removed our paper recycling program because not enough people cared about putting it out. Well, that attitude sounded awfully familiar to me and both of us soon decided we were going to get the program started again. Except this time it would be student run instead of teacher run. We decided that everybody in science honor society would have to participate in order to remain in the club. Every Tuesday kids from all different grades would pick up the paper recycling bins together during their off periods and transport them to the outside parking lot via a larger bin that was stored in the library. Then the town recycling company could come and pick up the cumulative amount of paper from the larger bins. We created schedules, sent out emails to teachers and student participants, got the necessary bins together and hoped it would work. If this didn’t happen quick I was going to have a mental breakdown if I saw another student throw away a stack of old notes instead of recycling them.
The program’s result? Our recycling system has been in effect since fall 2010 and is going great. Honestly, me and my friends have some of the funniest times recycling. We push each other around in the bins and wave to our friends in class through the windows. The best part is kids show up on time, the paper is emptied and transported properly, and the entire thing is student run. Kids caring. Kids making a difference. I wasn’t alone after all.
This experience has solidified my decision to pursue a career in environmental engineering. I love nature and I feel strongly about the environmental issues our planet and the human race are dealing with. I cannot fathom the thought of our environment deteriorating because of increased human activity and neglect. I won’t stand for it. As a result, I hope to take an active part in solving earth’s many problems. I feel that attending this school would be one of the first steps into helping me achieve that goal. Even though I’m only seventeen and I can’t even drive or vote or make any big decisions like that I can make the biggest one for myself right now. And that is to make a difference. To be that change and to take the first step. To help others to see they can as well. After all, Arnold Glasow once said “improvement begins with I.” It’s true. I can do anything. I can make a difference.

[Cookie n Cream]

I would fix the first sentence

"I believe everyone can make a difference. I highly dislike when I hear my peers saying"

to

"I believe everyone can make a difference. I highly dislike it when I hear my peers saying"
or
"I believe everyone can make a difference. I highly dislike the fact that I hear my peers saying "

[Kaitlyn]

Normally in formal papers you avoid saying things like "I believe this" or "I think that" because it's redundant. If you didn't think that, why would you write it? It also weakens your position by casting it in doubt. In this type of essay you can get away with using similar statements, but you are weakening the essay by putting it in the first line. I would start with the stronger idea of disliking when you hear your peers saying they are only one person, etc. (and I would use a stronger word than "highly dislike," hate, despise, am annoyed by, can't stand, one of my pet peeves is, are all stronger, more descriptive options) Then you can go into your idea that everyone can make a difference, why if 7 billion people make the same decision it has a huge impact, etc.

After that you can go directly into how this realization affected you. You don't need the judgmental part about shallow people, their blackberries and facebook. If you have to mention it say something about civil engagement being more important TO YOU than blackberry or facebook. I would then condense the last 3 sentences to say that you were always interested in the environment but in 10th grade ASR you found a cause to motivate you.

I would get rid of the first several sentences of your 2nd paragraph. This essay is about you, not Ms. Geraci. Start with your conversation with Ms. Geraci, your ASR teacher, who has truly become a role model for you, when she mentioned...
All of your information about making the organization student run is good, but I wouldn't say that you forced the science honors society to participate if they wanted to remain in the club. Find a different way to describe this that highlights your leadership skills. Finally I would leave out the bit about people throwing away old notes instead of recycling. You can talk about how stressful it was, but say something about what you learned or the benefits. A good rule is that you should have two positive comments for every negative one.

me and my friends => my friends and I

You have a good final paragraph, again I would just condense a little. Even though you are only seventeen, and you can't do these things, you can still make a difference. You can make changes in your life, and also show others that their actions matter too. Your quote is gold, I'd love to see you work it in a little more, but don't change the end. Finishing with "I can make a difference" is very powerful.

Hope all that helps. Good luck.