pls help me check my English essay. And provide me some evaluations.thank you!?

[Violet]

question:
For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school.


my essay:

School is the place where we can acquire the knowledge mostly. Most people spend their early age mainly in schools. School teaches us the basic skills to help us fit the society. Only with that information can we find a better job and be successful in the future. Although it is also very important to get on well with the people around you, increasing more knowledge about our major is fundamental in the workforce.

It is in school we can obtain the knowledge which will be used in our future job. The more we learned，the better performance we can make in doing our jobs. For instance, my major is biology. If I find a job in a biological lab, I need to develop a lot of information about my major and spend as much time as I can to study in a lab when I was studying at school. Since the boss of the lab mainly evaluates whether I have the ability to do biological experiments very well, I can only practice that at college. As soon as I can finish experiments very well, I may certainly succeed in doing my work.

When we study hard at school, we will spend more time in going deeper into the field we are studying. Doing some extracurricular research and reading more books will help widen one’s perspective. By doing that we might have some new findings. For students whose major is computer science he may invent a new software or make a new website himself, just like Bill Gates and Facebook. The hard-working students also take part in some projects to gain some working experiences. Like the students studying business he may follow his professor to do some research about business markets. He will also read many books about how to run a company. Companies always look for the students who have creativity and experiences which are fundamental to success.

Some people would argue that having a wide social network is crucial in success. However in my opinion, having a large social network means we need to spend a lot of time and energy to sustain it. Consequently we have to attend many parties in order to meet old friends and make new friends. I think that is a waste of time. We do need to communicate with each other, but too many social activities will take the time that we should have spent at library or laboratory. In addition, it will affect our performance when we are working.

It is in school where we can acquire the knowledge that is useful in working. It is in school where we can develop the ability of how to learn. Only by studying hard, can we increase these abilities. Finally we can be succeed.

[Gary]

.................

[frog]

Firstly, your essay argues AGAINST the statement posed - is this deliberate?

'For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school.' - Then you spend the essay saying that it's better to study hard and well and that '... means we need to spend a lot of time and energy to sustain a social network... /I think that is a waste of time.'

You need to go back and totally re-word your arguments if you want to answer the question.

[Mish]

your sentences are too short in the opening statement. I am only correcting the sentences that need correcting,... if you need me to elaborate shoot me a message

first sentence take out the mostly: School is fundamental for us to acquire knowledge and learn life skills.
take out second sentence.
School teaches us basic skills to help us prepare for our future and society.
Education provides information and knowledge to help us find a well paying job to be successful in the future.
Last sentence is good
In school, we can obtain knowledge and experience for our future employment.
The more we LEARN
Take out for instance sentence.
If I find a job in my field of study, Biology, I need to ... rest is good but take out when i was studying at school.

take out MORE in "reading more books"
Reading books can give us the opportunity to learn new subjects and information we may not know already.
computer science, he may... just like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerman (give Facebook a name, not a company, he is a human being, but also, bill gates and zuckerman never graduated college so i do not think its is wise to use them as an example).
Students studying business may follow their professor to do research about business marketing.

In my opinion, having a large social network means we need to spend time and energy to keep business going.
Consequently, we have to...
take out: i think that is a waste of time

By studying hard, we can increase these abilities and succeed in our field of study.