Am I past repair? Please answer!?

[kat]

Last year I was a confident rider, who loved horses and had an amazing bond with an ex.race horse, thoroughbred mare named Symone. I would do almost anything in the saddle with this mare, and my mom was planning on buying her for me, but we were going to wait till after the horse show I entered to buy her. I'm glad we waited. Her being a racehorse earlier in life should have been my first clue she wouldn't be safe for me. I was riding around with some other girls in the arena before the show started, and one of the girls came galloping up behind Symone, and she thought she was in a race. I held her back and so she turned into a bucking bronco. The last thing I remember was seeing someone pull the metal gate back so I didn't hit my head off of it when I was falling, and feeling my body twist through the dirt. I went to the hospital in an ambulance, they thought my spine was broken. It turned out I had badly bruised bones in my neck, legs and arms, and a bad concussion. I didn't get back in the saddle until 6 months later when my mom brought home a new horse, named Tia. Tia was abused so badly before that she didnt trust people. Mom forced me on her, and Tia didn't like me up there. She would bolt if I didn't constantly be holding her back, and she would lunge to bite me whenever I was around. I tried hard to bond with her but she just doesn't like me. a year later and she still hates me. This made me even more terrified to ride at the horse show mom was forcing me to do. I was shaking I was so scared, and I cried during every class I wanted out of the saddle so bad. Mom pushed me. It made it worse. Since I was so scared during the show I was projecting it to Tia, but I couldn't help it. All 3 of my classes were hell. I almost fell off of her at least twice in each one.
I'm not a good rider anymore, I will admit that. I love horses and I want to ride again so bad. When I go to sleep at night I dream of riding my new mare named Dancer ( She is my profile picture) but when I go out there and try to ride, I can't do it. I shake, I cry and I know if I get on it will only make things worse because I will scare the horse. I have had a trainer to help me, but whenever she comes out my mom tells her to push me, and I can't convince them that I am too scared to do it. I can't tell my mom how I feel because she has some kind of anger issue and it all blows up in my face.
Its gotten to the point where the only horse I can get on and ride is my old gelding who has arthritis so he can only walk under saddle ( The vet said he is okay to ride under saddle if we only lightly walk him and for a short time) I can only trust him because I know he won't bolt or buck me off because of this.
But when I ride him, even though its only a slow walk, I feel so alive, and good.

Why can't I get back on a different horse? I really want to, so bad, but I can't have someone help me do it. My mother won't allow me to go to a trainer who can start over with me. I don't know why.
I'm afraid I will never ride again, and imagine how badly that would hurt, to not be able to ride a horse ever again.
I just don't understand how I can be so in love with it, and wanting to do it, but I can't get back up. I don't want to be in fear of riding. Any tips or own expieriences or anything to help me is great. Please no hate, I know this question is all over the place and quite long, but it would mean so much if you can give me tips on how to get back on comfortably. Thank you.

I will probably be replying to answers that were rude or need further explaining on my part in the additional details as well.

Thanks c:
The Christ puncher: I know you're trying to sound cool and all, but the whole reason for this question is that I can't "Suck it up" .
I cannot team up with Tia. I've tried, but putting us together stresses us both out.
I have a horse of my own named Dancer who is actually my picture thing on this, but she is only green broke.
I've gotten a lot of really amazing answers from you guys...Some have asked for private messaging but unfortunately I don't know this site really well enough to do that, so you can e-mail one of my e-mail accounts to help me further if you want (: danielle-obrien@hotmail.ca

[Bliss]

Short answer to your short question - NO! You are not beyond repair!

ETA: JoinUp? I don't think so! A horse like Tia needs the most skilled horseman with the most refined awareness of what the horse is saying, in order to come around. M A Y B E Monty Roberts himself could chase her into submission, but even he might acknowledge that his method is not appropriate for a horse with issues this severe. It is definitely not appropriate for a fearful person and an aggressive, dangerous horse to learn together.

A university did a study with a remote-controlled car chasing a horse according to MR's Join Up techniques. The horses responded to the car exactly as Monty's horses do to him. It's not a matter of bonding, it's the horse seeking relief from aggressive, threatening pressure. Tia has already had too much aggressive pressure in her life!

Focus your energy on enjoying riding your old gelding, and doing ground work with Dancer. I don't mean chasing her around, I mean learning together how to communicate and understand each other. Take her for walks. I do that with every green horse I start. It gives the horse great confidence in you because you're right there beside her facing the 'monsters', not just a burden that could reduce her ability to escape the horse-eating baby buggy (or whatever). It can give you confidence in your ability to communicate with her and thereby 'control' her. (Gain her cooperation, really!)

Ignore Puncher - he's funny sometimes, but basically cruel and useless here. I gave the short answer and submitted it hoping it would be the first one you got. Now for the details:

My heart goes out to you. I broke my ankle as a kid and that was a real setback, then 40 years later I was forced to ride an extremely stupid, uneducated, overfed and under exercised TB, on narrow cliffside trails in India (think 'Grand Canyon' narrow and steep). I survived it, but I had to take extreme measures to get out of that job and it shook my confidence deeply.

It sounds like your Mom's issues are going to get you killed. You really need a safe, sane, sound horse to help you regain your confidence and composure around horses.

If you check out friendshiptraining.org, and if you are able to be the main or only one to feed this dangerous, formerly abused mare, you could learn and teach her so that both of you can be calm and happy and SAFE together. There's a Facebook group and a Yahoo group called Friendship Training too, and you can meet and chat with people who have created incredibly close, safe relationships with their horses from all backgrounds. One horse that had been deemed 'unbreakable' by many NH and traditional trainers has now appointed himself guardian of his human when she enters the pasture to distribute hay to the whole herd. Jerry positions himself so that his human pushing the wheelbarrow full of hay has all the room she needs and no other horses can approach or endanger her.

Any advice telling you to 'be the boss' is going to get you hurt again. This mare has had plenty of people trying to 'be the boss' and she has had enough of that BS! I know some absolutely green horse owners who have bought absolutely dangerous horses who refused to be dominated via traditional and NH methods (same methods, just different jargon) - but with Friendship Training they learned to understand and communicate and be safe and happy together.

You're talking about your mom controlling your horse life. Are you old enough to earn your own money and drive or arrange transportation? You could take lessons from a compassionate, intelligent trainer with a good horse, without telling Mom where you're going on those days.

If your only options are this mare and your arthritic gelding, can you at least go work with her when Mom isn't there? (But preferably when you're not alone.) Focus on picking up on her FIRST signals that she's not interested in going with your program, and show her that you're listening. Not that you're allowing her to do anything dangerous - but if she comes to trust that you will listen and try to understand her, she won't feel the need to escalate to 'shouting', aka dangerous behavior.

[Horse Addict]

You need to tell your mother that if she keeps pushing you then you are going to quit riding all together. I know she's only trying to help you because she thinks you can do these things but you just aren't mentally ready for them.
It's time to take baby steps. Get on the most bomb-proof, push button pony you can find. Gradually work yourself up until you are back to your old self. What that race horse did to you wasn't his nor your fault. It was in his blood to bolt and he was just frustrated that he couldn't.

Everybody falls, but few choose to get back up.

[Smaug the Dragon]

This might be a case for a psychologist, and I don't mean that rudely. Sometimes it is better to have a professional behind you, to help you understand why you feel this way, and to help you explain it to those that are making the situation worse.

No one is ever "beyond repair", it is only a matter of finding the time and the people who can mend the hurts. Rarely can we do it by ourselves.

ETA: A user below suggested "join-up" with Tia, but that could well be a bad idea. There are truly just some horses we don't get on with. My very first horse was an ex-racer and I had her for eight years before I finally decided we just weren't meant to be, and sold her. I then got a rescue much like Tia, she was highly aggressive and for the first year and a half I did not feel comfortable with her at all. She was brutal. I often thought about selling her, some times I was so afraid of her that I wouldn't want to get near the crazy thing. Now I can't imagine being parted from her. She taught me more than I could have ever thought I'd learn from a single horse, and I love her like a child.

The horse that is meant for you is out there somewhere, and you will know it when you find them. It may take you that long before you feel comfortable again, it may be until you are able to leave your mother and make it on your own, or with a significant other or friend.

That is to say that there is more than plenty of time ahead of you to achieve the goals you want to achieve in horses. There are hurdles ahead of you now, but it is crossing them that will strengthen you as an individual. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and it may be that this needs to happen to you to strengthen your psychological musculature and make you a more hardy, confident, and outgoing individual.

[Prodi Gium]

I want to push your mother off a cliff... and through some boulders after her just for good measure.

Your riding confidence has been destroyed.

For now? Don't ride any horses. Don't ride a damn thing until you feel you're ready to - if ever.

[Mackenzie]

NO WAY! please don't stop riding! it would be a BIG mistake! look, try to join up with Tia, that should help. if you don't know what that is then ask your trainer, i don't know how to explain it.
Just Please dont stop riding! PLEASE!

[N]

Tell your mom that your not ready and don't push it start off slow then slowly very slowly move up in horses it will take time before your mentally ready for it. If your trainer fallow what your mom says then tell the trainer what happened he or she would understand in your point of view instead of your mom's. most of all don't listen to your mom since she doesn't know what your feeling and probably never will

[i love horses]

sounds like your mom needs to hear what you just said in this post! Do you have any friends who have calm horses that you can ride? keep me updated! why don't you pull your mom aside and calmly tell her what you just wrote in the post. Tia doesn't sound like a beginners horse or a confidence builder, she sounds like a great horse for someone who is confident around horses and is very advanced. Please stay with riding if you like it as much as it sounds like you do! keep us updated!