Have you ever fought so bad with someone you really love?

[Margarita Time]

Have you ever fought REALLY bad over and over with someone you're married with then wonder how in the world am I going to possible stay married to this person! However I try to keep in my mind quitters never win, and winners never quit, but then the next day we do the same thing.. I was truly in love with him when I married him we were together for a year and NEVER fought but then it seems like we were married for a month and just started nit picking over everything and anything. I just wondered if anyone else experienced this and if so if you're still together, for how long, and any suggestions on what you did to keep it together with romance?

Thanks!! We are in our mid 30's.

[bunnyONE]

My husband and I had a rough first ten years in this regard...I came from a peaceful, loving, stable home - he came from one of alcoholism, verbal abuse, huge anger - the "twain didn't meet" until I finally laid down the "law" after getting some counseling. He was reared this way and had to relearn HOW to argue, debate, interact and control his temperment - and he did - and it was WORK to help get him there...The "glue" however? Was our deep and abiding love for one another - we wouldn't quit - wouldn't give up...

Glad in my case, I didn't...He turned into a stellar guy...Yes. People CAN change with outside help, inside help and the DESIRE to do so...

We were "living proof" of this!

Grace

PS BTW? I had no idea of the extent of the problems until AFTER we were married, as I spent little time with his family...So it was, a big shock to discover how it REALLY was in their home. Just unreal people live that way!

[Another Crone]

Oh, sure. Love and behaviors are often quite different things. Habits can develop quickly and the power struggles that go on in EVERY marriage are an important element of behavioral lessons. Almost like we're 4 again. The great "I Want" can sometimes scream so loudly that we hear nothing else.

Part of this challenge is natural. You two only knew each other for one year before marrying. It usually take two years before a person can see through what THEY perceive a lover to be and actually get a realistic grip on who that lover really is and how they perceive themselves. We are, often, very eager to convince our lover and ourselves that they are who WE see them to be, instead of who they think they are. Common.

Marriage is a chunk of forgiving. A chunk of learning truths and dealing with them. Marriage, a successful marriage, tends to turn out adults if the partners hang in long enough to find out what a bonded partnership means. Those vows mean you WILL, not that you already have. Like almost anything else, you never have a real clue what you are getting into until you are well in already.

My husband and I also married in our mid-30's and also had enormous power struggles between us. Went on for a lot longer than one year!

Here's what we learned... works pretty good..

When you are fighting... try not to say anything that can not be forgotten/forgiven. MOST things a couple argues about mean nothing three weeks later.. the hurts can last a lifetime.

So there is a three week theory that works for me personally... if I'm not going to care about it in three weeks, then it's not important that I get my way on it now. That eliminates about 3/4's of the things to fight over right there.

If I AM going to care about it in three weeks... then when the argument gets hot, drop it for three days. Things you deeply care about are topics. Let it simmer down to a topic. And there are some important topics that come up in marriage and life. Topics it can be very important to take a stand on. If it's too hot in three days and it becomes a fight instead of a decision... If it's a lifetime choice... most of those need be thought about longer than three days.... so get the TOPIC on the table and circle a three WEEK day on the calendar for both parties to be prepared to have thought about and be ready to discuss the TOPIC again.

Yep. Fighting is a habit and a power struggle. It is okay not to win on a lot of things. Not everything. In our marriage (30 years together), there have been large blocks of time in which one or the other of us led in some ways.. the other in different ways, and we've switched repeatedly, often not even noticing it for awhile. Sometimes one person need to take the reigns, and sometimes life demands that the other do so.. whether they want to or not!

Hard to have sex with someone you feel doesn't respect you. That's a good reason not to fight with the intent to hurt... fight with the intent to NOT hurt and it will make all the difference in the world.

[Good Life by Love]

seek couples counseling NO medicine. If they say take medicine go some where else.
Arguing is normal but is it good? no, so make sure it is 7 years no arguments. After 7 solid years of perfect marriage then a child if desired.

If things are minor I usually just wouldn't even give it a second thought. If it is major I just fix it the best way and that's it. Maybe this will be a good method for you guys. Always reinforce it with Love

Also I see premarital counseling working.Church usually has it for free. You can even attend after marriage. Make sure no medicines.

I hope you can be stay at home wife ([no school]events with guys around unless your husband is there 100%) that takes care of all the woman things and he is taking care of all the man things like lifting, fixing working outside and handling all those jerks, and if you do work outside you know what I mean. I hope you can be a home wife so the marriage can be a loving one with peace. He wants a feminine wife not a worker guy. If you make double what he makes he should stay home.
*Talking is good. Find a private place to talk with time to talk. Never teach, just inform if necessary and in a meek manner. Handle the kids and teach them with few words and listen well, pay attention to details. If some parts kids can't be handled then inform the husband.
*Be a good wife and make sure all the cooking and cleaning is done. Stay Fit, Smell Good, Dress well. Make sure to make love when ever either of you want.
*Be meek. Quick to listen, slow to speak. Only tell him things when needed. Never teach him. If you do tell him something make sure it is kindly. Handle the kids, and if you notice you can't for sure then inform him in a kindly way.
*Hugs and kisses are always good any time, instead in front of the guys otherwise the guys might want some too. Make sure to let him know to keep the making love part private.
*Remember your NEVER a push over, you LOVE so you give BUT if your ever taken advantage fix it asap with a calm talk in a private place with time to talk while hugging and ending it with a kiss and maybe love.
*Make sure your spouse can handle things, like if he is not good with money maybe he should handle it. I mean like saving for a 6 month rainy day and then increase that as much as you can as time goes on. Buy a house cash small to start and then bigger when you decide and ready to have a child so the child can stay in one community for their whole school life and a place to come home always during Holidays and for you to plant your plants and watch them grow and to grow old in, make sure to pay cash or go smaller if needed or just wait on the child/bigger home, peace is most important. Retirement, Vacations.
Also make sure to put a small bundle of money as a emergency fund for you

Also I see counseling working. Make sure no medicine
On another note: Try your best. Love like you never love before. This is the best way for love to come and start surrounding your life. May love be around you, through you and is you.
Love and the Good Life will come
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P.P.P.S. Majority of my answers are for the majority, there are many variables to consider always
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