Does my prologue draw you in?

[hikaru]

It was during winter break at the time. I was alone in my room playing video games, too busy trying to cherish the rest of my vacation. No one was inside the apartment with me, so the rest of the rooms were very quiet, and I had it all to myself. I was too busy annihilating the rest of my enemies to even care that someone was watching me from the building window across my apartment.

My computer screen would always make a beep whenever someone would try to make online contact with me. I ignored all the emails, instant-message requests, and notifications on Facebook. It wasn’t until a few minutes later I actually looked at them, though.

After I stopped playing video games, I decided to head towards the kitchen to make a sandwich for myself. Between the kitchen and my room, there is a massive window where you could see almost everything inside the apartment. Right when I walked across the intersecting line to make a short snack, I could see through my peripheral vision that there was someone looking directly at me across from the office building window.

As soon I saw him/her, I turned my face towards the glass window to confirm what I’ve just seen. But, however, they quickly disappeared at the last minute, and all I saw was a black figure moving across the side to avoid my gaze. At the time, I only thought lightly of it, even though it was in the back of my head, waiting to be thawed out of its unimportant position.

There were many possibilities as to why that person was looking through the window and I was a very practical, realistic, no-nonsense person. But still, even after, I couldn’t help but feel very frightened. Not only that, but I also felt vulnerable and exposed. If that person was watching me, than I might as well close the curtains.

As soon I was done eating my sandwich, I decided to rest for a while and walked back to my room. I quickly checked my email before I took a nap, and I had at least nine messages from someone I didn’t know. The subject on the first email was: Ryan Rider. That was my name.

It quickly got my attention, and instead of ignoring it like I usually do towards anonymous people, I immediately drew my cursor towards the mail, and clicked on it. It took a while to digest what the person was saying to me, but the message was loud and clear: “I know who you are. I’m watching you.”
Thank you so much, CH. Now that I think about it, I do see all the illogical things, and I would definitely not sleep after someone would be watching me, haha!

[Esmeralda]

Truth be told it drew me in. I like that suspenseful ending email. Good job . A suggestion if I may say : try to add a bit more details on what you characterr is doing.

[bree =)]

Yes! It makes me want to read more So what next its awesome....

[Ch]

Be careful of tense and make more sense of the timeline.

Edit. For instance "make a sandwich for myself" could be edited to "make a sandwich."

Use logic. Would you really finish a sandwich and decide to take a nap after someone was peeking in your window? And was there really someone there? Make it obvious if there was.

I like the story a lot. But walk yourself through it as if you're really living it, and edit out the parts that are illogical and irrelevant to the story.

PS, you're welcome! Trust yourself and write write write!

Start with a more emphatic statement of character. "I may be a very realistic and pragmatic person, but something happened on winter break that changed all that." In other words, set your readers up for the rest of the story.

[Shannon]

after a few paragraphs it really started interesting me