hey, would you guys read this for me and give me whatever criticism you can?

[Rachel]

My home seemed as quiet as ever. There seemed to be nobody home, which was strange, but I welcomed it with open arms. It felt so good to have the house to myself. For the first time in three or four months I was home alone. Ever since my mum and dad had caught me smoking I was alone.

♫ - ♫ - ♫ - ♫

“Oh c'mon Becks. It ain't that bad, please, just once.” Sam begged
“Only once. And then you gotta shut up!” I told him. I was so sick of him pressuring me into trying to smoke. So one cigarette would shut him up, “And don't ever call me Becks, I am not a beer. And you know I hate it.” I explained. Everyone else I knew called me Becky or Becca, never Becks. They all knew better than that. He took two out of the box and handed me one. He then put the other one into his own mouth and lit it with his 'I ♥ New York' lighter. As he did that I just looked at the cigarette in my hand. It seemed so out of place. I looked up at him as he took a draw from his, he noticed my looking and sighed. A sigh that meant, 'I knew she wouldn't know what to do.' he lit the thing for me and I forced myself to take a draw. Or attempt to take one. I almost choked to death. It was unbearable, “I...can't...believe people...do this...for...fun.” I told him in-between fits of coughing. Of course Sam just laughed at me.
“Aw Becca, you can't even do it. Are you okay?” he enquired.
I smiled at him, telling him he was right. I held the cigarette out towards him to see if he wanted it, he gladly took it. As he took it from within my grasp, I looked at him. At how confident he was, or well he looked. With the cigarette in hand, he looked older. His waist length hair, blowing gently in the early evening breeze, his golden brown eyes shining in the evening moonlight, twinkling like a thousand stars. His Paramore shirt, clinging to his abs, making them visible through the shirt. His jeans, as tight as ever, if not tighter, which made me giggle like a school girl.
“What are you laughing at?” he asked, he thought I was laughing at something particular about what he was wearing.
I simply told him, “You.”
He looked astonished, “Oh, you are so dead now.” he threw the cigarette down as he was speaking, and began to chase me...That night was so much fun, until I got home that is...“How dare you smoke!...I can't believe you did such a stupid thing! You don't deserve such good parents!”
of course they went totally over the top, so I got grounded. Or 'under house law' as my mum and dad put it. It's not that the told me I was grounded they just wouldn't allow me out, or at home by myself, or Sam to come over and visit. It nearly killed me, he couldn't even ring me, that's what happens when your dad drinks too much, he takes things that don't belong to him and throws them against the wall. It was so hard, we were best friends. If I were being honest, then he was my only friend. Nobody liked me. And why would they, there is nothing special about me.

♫ - ♫ - ♫ - ♫

Back in reality though. I went into my bedroom to do my homework, “Ugh, History.” I spoke aloud. I unloaded my homework from within my bag. History, Maths, Irish and Religion. The only one I didn't hate was Maths, and that was only because I was good at it. I took another look within my history book, and oh the joys, I had to research 'The American Dream' therefore the internet was involved.
I logged onto my laptop, for the first time in months, I attempted to sign into my MSN account, and surprisingly enough, I got on! In my message display I wrote, 'Oh my Goodness! I got on guys. After four months, I got on! Sam I can't wait to hang out Dude!' with a shaky smile I hit enter and it was then for everybody to see.
I went onto my email and surprisingly enough, I had three-hundred-and-eight messages in my inbox. They were all from Twitter, Bebo, Facebook, Hottopic, or Sam.
I could not believe how much I had actually missed Sam over the long months. But somehow to me, they felt like years more than a few months. I remembered everything about him, his gorgeous hair which I envied, it had always been longer than mine. Then I recalled his eyes, oh his eyes, they were indescribable. The most beautiful things I had ever seen. They were like the first snow-fall in winter, or awakening at just the right moment to see the early morning spring sunrise.
And then I noticed the most recent email from Sam, it read;
Becca,
I have wanted to tell you something for a real long time. And I think that I'm ready to tell you. So will you come to the movies with me on Friday night. I would love to talk to you there.
Love Sam.

I was so confused. Why would Sam do that to me. I mean, I love him as a friend, but I don't think it could ever be anything more. I sat at my desk pondering the reason behind his email for well over an hour. I couldn't think of one.
part 2
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind...500AAkm47f
part 3
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind...544AAizFNd

[Whitney]

I like it! Minor punctuation mistakes, but overall good! How do you do the music notes?

[Merrydowntown108]

It isn't my cup of tea I'm afraid, but as things go it is pretty good except for the grammatical mistakes and the punctuation mistakes.

[AndrewP]

Skinny jeans are gay

[Noble 6]

Not bad, but then again it's not very good either. Really it's just not my type of thing, but for something that isn't, it is really good. You do however have a lot of punctual mistakes, as well as some of them doesn't make sense. But good luck anyway!!