Is my poem any good, need a poets view?

[Zimmy]

Hi all.I love writing poetry in my free time and I was asked to write a poem for a college brief, which I will have to read out in front of many people (gulp). Just wanted some feedback preferably from someone who has experience with writing poetry, thank you in advance and a very happy Christmas to you.

Mind in the Mind


We listened to the sound of a thousand strong crowd
A million different emotions laid bare before our ears could react
The problems may be out of the shattered window, but they remain in the wind or the rain
They can return like a nightmare in your sleepless bed
Your eyes flooding with water like a holy fountain of despair, the sky turns green the grass it turns blue

What is Communication?

Who smiled the first smile?
Who cried the first cry?
Who laughed the first laugh?
Who died the first death?
Who tarnished their reputations and wrote letters lacking in logic
Who ridded their loyalties and tried their tired luck
Who forgot their maker
Who settled for less than they were destined
Who cheated on their lover
Who asked for the hand of forgiveness
Who lived rough in the cafes and docks
Who stored their money in tin cans
Who watched while people laughed at their trauma fuelled existence

What be Communication

Why do you fill your lungs with toxic haze?
Why are they laughing at their endless funeral?
Why is she not speaking or has her fragile lucid mind been drugged?
Why is that poor soul forever alone?
Why are they swallowed in a bubble of fantasy?
Why are they dressing in peculiar clothes?
Why has their character precipitously changed like something tweaked their brains?
Why do they speak their language with ridged cautiousness?
Why did they build their bridge with wood and ignite it in a swirl of ash and splinters?
Why did man create objects of severe lethality?
Why did people become slaves to money?
Why does he whisper when he speaks yet she screams with hatred and rage in rings and rings of higher and higher volume
Why are you squandering time on inevitably unwanted one who will throw away your name?
Why does your hands tremble and voice slip in it's rhythm?


I could see lies through many a politicians eyes
The people need answers, not webs of disillusioned crafted dead promises made from cold steel
The streets lay filled with banners and signs, young, old, black and white, angry but calm, silenced but loud, weak but with power, poor and the rich are all among us waiting in patience for justices truth telling

Down the halls the endless halls, graffiti sheids the walls with gibberish and actuality
Dingy lights flicker dim to dull
A tropical twist and a hawaiian sun, the stone faced folks make up the vibe of the atmosphere
A plastic love of heating kissing of cheap thrills will surely melt away
A restless unloved child will only grow wise with age and rebel against all, what else must you expect?
In a distant sky a red moon will glare over the lake of voices and turn strings of tunes into joyful remedies
But a scream could cut the mood like a knife to a vein, a drastic change will give rise to a hope in a new day
A rebirth of laughter is beyond the horizon, over the hills or in the forests
Common sense prevailed, it arose from the ashes to form goodwill gestures among the young and old, among the men and the women
A train filled with strangers. Yet I someone felt I knew them all, I could read their thoughts, trace each breath, bury their failures and dig up their successes
And music? Music is the language of the universe, it can speak to us all. A guitar a piano, man created it all

Modern Technology...

Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Internet and the mobile phone. My generation never had it so charmingly convenient

That may have been Communication..

[Bunny]

Wow a poem on Technology and communication.Great innovative.But you need to be a bit more flowery

[adult]

hjjj

[elizabeth]

Hi Zimmy!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not a poet but your poem seems right on spot to me. Good luck with your presentation .

It's so good to see you back. I've sent you a couple of emails and have missed you tremendously! Best Wishes for Christmas and the New Year!!!