MTF - How do you cope - I can't handle this?

[tryingto]

Please share how you do it. You may have seen my other posts in previous days. I'm a hidden male to female (still straight though). I have had so many health problems before that I now literally hate getting up everyday. I've tried ordering hormones from overseas etc. but the cost has literally broken me financially to ruins. I felt more like "ME" on hormones - but they made me very sick too. So between finances and health I had to stop. Life is so bad right now I really just want to end everything. My religion (please don't get on me on how i'm a sinner for wanting to be a girl) has been the only thing keeping me going. It is so hard guys, so hard. You have no idea how painful it is to wake up everyday hating yourself. I just can't describe it - and i've tried everything to help it. It's 5AM and like most nights - i'm up wide awake trying not to cry. I want to talk to a psychologist finally. For multiple reasons. One to know if life really is worth still going on, and Two to see if they would prescribe me hormones. When that happens I will loose everyone else in my life - but right now, i've lost myself so what do I do? I really don't know what to do. I looked at psychologists out of town - but they cost about $150 a visit. I've tried the fundraising sites, ( http://www.gofundme.com/1phm8w ) but I actually got so much flack last week that I refunded the one donation I received. I'm open to everyones thoughts - for now. I can't guarantee anything in my future anymore.

I will add, i'm already on an antidepressant - a very large dose
Also, I want an online psychologist because i'm scared an in person one will want to straight jacket me or something
Thank You Reme! I just don't know if I have the energy. That and I live in the middle of nowhere with a population of 1000 lol
Hi Sammy! That's whats so depressing though, I don't see my future getting any better )= And my primary care physician prescribed the anti-depressants. The hormones were obtained via internet
Chaz your post was very helpful, I have been crossdressing behind closed doors, but it's starting to loose the luster /=

Christian Guy - I keep myself so busy doing deeds for other people - almost to make myself feel better I think /= that too is taking a tole
I've setup a new facebook account (private one) here it is if anyone wants to add me

http://www.facebook.com/alexis.town.33

[reme_1]

CAll the gay center and they will give you contacts for trans support organizations.
They will have info on meds, doctors, the whole thing. DOn't try to do it on your own.
There are many trans people who are happy to reach out and offer support.
One day at a time.
Try to fix one problem or situation at a time.
And you are going to have to do something about going to a church that tells you that you're 'bad'-- time to find a more welcoming house of worship.
You can not worry about how others will deal with you.
You have to be worried about one person: you. And your physical and mental health.
Take care of you and other things will work themselves out in time.
Please reach out to support groups!!!!
HUGS from a senior lesbian

[Sammy]

Well, I'm not MtF, but I still think I can help

How do I cope?
Try to keep myself busy/find a hobby.
Try to do well in school because I have some money set aside for university but if I can get a scholarship I can use it for top surgery.
Think about how when I am financially independent, I will move to Norway or some other Scandinavian country with practically free healthcare and very high equality and LGBT (and human) rights.
Go to a support group for LGBT youth.
Exercise and try to get into a good sleep cycle (I would put a good mattress on the list of things you are saving for because it really helps). You would be amazed how much better you feel.


Things that might help for you
Look through the above list, and make your own list of things you like about your life right now. Then write a list of things you can do to improve your life right now for free (you can take things from my list if you want, I would especially recommend a support group and getting into better shape (mainly eating healthier - which is also cheaper from a farmer's market etc. - because too much high intensity exercise could make you look more masculine). After that make a list of things you want eventually (surgery, a psychologist, hormones, a boyfriend, whatever) but might be a little time or cost too much to do right now.

Then link things you can do now to things you want eventually. An example would be "I want closer friends but I don't know many people accepting of my trans* status, but if I join a support group I can meet more people like me and make friends." That was just an example, as were all these things, for all I know you could be a superstar athlete with 17 boyfriends and an extensive social network, I don't know - apply it to your own situation.

One of the main things that keeps me going is looking into the future, what I want, and how I will get it. I find schedules and lists really useful because otherwise I have a tendency to let my time slip away.


Look online, on how to save money. Get a job. If you are stuck in a dead end, minimum wage job, look for a way you can get yourself an education so you can get a better job. I thought that I would have 5 years ahead of me of slogging my ass off so I could get myself where I wanted sooner, but I found myself the happiest I have ever been in my life.


BTW - Where did you get an antidepressant without a psychiatrist? How did you get hormones as well? Also, they can't involuntarily commit you unless you are severely mentally ill so don't worry about that.

Good luck

EDIT -
But that's the point, your future isn't going to get better by itself. This may be hard to realize at first, but it is actually a positive, you need to take control. Where I live, 50% of people live rurally, you either have a lot of cattle or you have to travel hundreds of kilometers (more than 2X the size of texas with almost 6X fewer people so that is no exaggeration) to find work in the cities. In reality, if things aren't going well you need to question whether living out in the middle of nowhere is good in terms of bettering your situation. You need to have a conversation with your doctor about maybe switching the antidepressants you are on, they don't seem to be working. I'm not some rich white guy saying "anyone can make it in America," (I'm not American for starters) I'm saying that it is unfair, you got a tough hand, but no matter how hard it seems it isn't impossible. Buying hormones over the internet is dangerous, expensive and ineffective, no wonder you had such difficulties.

Honestly think about this - have you been feeling like this all the time in the past couple of weeks?
If not, then I suggest you just try to make it through today, and reassess your situation tomorrow, you seem to be in a very depressed state right now.

If you have been, then I think you should speak to a doctor as soon as possible. When I felt like you did it almost ended up with me as a suicide statistic. You need to actively treat your depression. Please do this, you deserve better than to feel this way.

Either way, hold tight mate. It will get better soon. I promise =).

[Chaz]

Hi. For a start you need to stop beating yourself up. You've done nothing wrong and it is not your fault for what nature might have done to you. I'm no expert or psychologist, but sometimes it helps if you can see your own position from an outsider's viewpoint and perspective.

My first reaction to your story is that your anti depressants will not be helping your own perceptions or feelings. Likely you are depressed because of your instinct that drives you to transition, but at this stage you may be in a vicious circle that is difficult to break out of. To do that might mean taking a backward step, reviewing exactly what your aims are and questioning your own instincts and reasoning. I say this not because I doubt how important this is for you, but because up to now you have been going it the DIY way, and that is not good. Whilst you take this backward step, there are things you can still do to help your conscious mind to still move forward, like dressing the way you prefer whether just in private or in public and doing some of the things you know will ease your discomfort at being in a guy's body.

For obvious reasons, good expert and proper counselling are essential for anyone thinking of going transgendered, because it is a long and often emotional painful journey not to be taken lightly. Hormone replacement is just the beginning and depending whether you want sexual realignment surgery, you'll come to a point where there is no going back. Even hormone replacement will change how your body works and although you probably want this, you have to understand all the pros and cons before you start. Maybe too late now but hopefully you can catch up on that.

Money is obviously a big issue, because seldom does anything come for free. Perhaps you might find a happy medium, where as you can dress and live as a female and subdue all the masculine traits. But as you are a straight guy, your need for intimacy might hit some difficulties unless you can find a compassionate and understanding girl.

As for your body now, you might like to consider what exactly it is you do not like about it. And okay, if you feel like you are a woman in a man's body, you probably dislike everything. But for now, maybe there are things you can do personally to make them less hateful, like shaving, softening and wearing under garments that make you feel better about who you are.

And a word about your religion. If it is a good source of comfort to you, that is good. But do not become a victim of your beliefs by thinking you are a sinner for being the way you are. Maybe your god has made you like this to challenge you and to make you a better stronger person. We all have challenges to face and none of us realise just what we can achieve until we've done it.

You certainly need professional guidance and support. Check out what is online, because until you look and search you don't know. Your own doctor might also be able to point you in the right direction and along the way, there are bound to be support groups to give you moral support.

No need to do any of this alone. I'm on chazzeee@hotmail.com if you just need to chat. I'm a gay guy, but we all need to help each other when life gets sh1tty. Be safe.

[Christain Guy]

You have depression and it probably has less to do with your gender than you realize. If you deal with your depression you'll be much more able to deal with other issues. Drugs help, but they're not the whole answer. You also need a reason to go on.

I recently became a Christian and that's helped me a lot because the teachings of Jesus tell us we're here for a reason and basically tells us what I'm telling you now, to get out of the house and help people, to care about someone other than yourself, and that's is the biggest way to distract yourself from your own pain. Praying also brings relief cause Jesus is always there to listen to you, or just be a shoulder for you to cry on.


Try going to Jesus in your mind as you pray and just hold on to Him. Remember the bleeding lady, how she just touched His cloths and she was healed. Whenever my pain is too great that's what I do. Hope this helps, will pray for you.


UPDATE:

Than you need to look at all those things you do and realize that you are good person, and learn to love yourself. You are a beautiful woman, and God loves you, go see a therapist and don't be afraid to have some time to yourself. Have you looked at bible.com? You can click the speaker and listen to the passages of the bible, that helps a lot too.