This is one part of my essay, just hope you can help me to revise it.Like a teacher?

[lisa]

I am not an english speaker
In most cases, technology is just a tool for our mankind. Different people use it in different aspects. For instance, new electronic devices such as computers can help to keep students’ learning curve high. However, some teenage engaged themselves too much playing computer games and brows porn movie. Therefore, computers only bring visual deprivation and cerebrum fatigue to their life

[Lillybelle]

In most cases, technology is just a tool for our mankind, used in many different ways.
Electronic devices such as computers can help to keep students’ learning curve high. However, some teenage engaged themselves too much playing computer games and brows porn movie. Therefore, computers only bring visual deprivation and cerebrum fatigue to their life


Combine first and second sentences. Sentence sentence is too obvious and not an important point to stand alone.

Third sentence: computers are not NEW electronic devises since home computers were developed in the 1970s. After the word high, can you insert a new sentence that tells a way in which the use of computers can help keep the learning curve high? Is it because of access to reference materials, or use to drill skiils, or to make composition easier?

Fourth sentence. Brows is a word for eyebrows. To view something is to browse. I would not refer to "porn" in a formal paragraph such as this. Instead of "browse porn movie" you could refer to online social media (which means Facebook and Twitter), or just say cruising the internet.

The last sentence is way to strong and doesn't make sense. When the teenagers are browsing the internet, they certainly do no have visual deprivation, which means a lack of any interesting to see. The computer sites are filled with bright lights and moving images which is quite the opposite. I have never heard the expression "cerebrum fatigue" which I assume means that their brains are tired. I would say that a more common result is that they have shorter attention spans. This means that they should be developing the ability to spend increasingly longer times with a subject, but instead tend to flick here and there, reading only a part of something before moving on to something else. They do not stay with something long enough to really learn and understand it. I would also not use the word "only" because you are saying that they have no beneficial use of computers at all. It isn't all bad. Instead, they spend to great a percentage of computer time on meaningless pleasure rather than any kind of electronic device to help them learn.

Also, in the introduction you mention technology and then electronic devices, but the computer is the only one that you describe. Either describe the use of other kinds, too, or else only make the paragraph about computers.