How to go about getting professional help?

[Basketcase]

This is going to be a little lengthy, but here goes.
It feels horrible to constantly look in the mirror and instantly feel the rush of triggers that go off in my mind. For me, my worst triggers are my stomach and sides, upper arms, shoulders, thighs and face/neck. I’m 5’1” and about 125-130lbs (I feel disgusted just looking at that number). Others often say I’m not fat at all, some say I’m skinny, but that’s not what I see at all. I see disgusting love handles, a protruding belly. Thick, huge thunder thighs. That little bit of fat between my breast and arm pit that appears when I wear a tank top or strapless dress. The skin/fat that hangs off of my arms. I’m a type 1 diabetic, as well, and I was diabulimic for a long time. I felt amazing when I was diabulimic, I was losing weight, I felt the closest I had ever felt to beautiful! Diabulimia was killing me, but I loved it. I didn’t feel amazing about anything else. I felt depressed, and I still feel depressed, but it’s a little less extreme. Physically, I was weak, tired and sick almost all of the time. I would wake up at 3AM to unintentionally puke my brains out more than 4 times a month. I’m not as irrational as I was. I’m eating better. I’m slowly but surely working on exercising; 25 sit ups, leg lifts, squats (and other exercises I don’t know the name of) a day. I’m going to build up from here. But once I stopped being diabulimic, any confidence I had was lost. I see myself gaining weight and it’s terrifying me, especially because I’m eating much healthier in good portions, and being active. My terrible thought process is destroying my relationships and my mental health. I feel so deteriorated, inside and out. I want to feel beautiful so badly, I don’t believe I ever have. Every time I look in the mirror, this darkness pulls over me and I can’t pull myself out. I see nothing good about myself, no redeeming qualities. Nothing. I’ve grown to absolutely hate who I am on the outside. I can’t accept compliments because I feel that others are lying to me, or they feel bad that I’m so self conscious. I’m full of insecurities that are eating me alive. I’m incredibly shy, sometimes close to anti-social, and I feel heavy anxiety in certain social situations. I worry heavily about others’ impression of me, and if they’re silently criticizing every detail about me in their heads, as I do to myself. My trust issues are disgustingly non existent. I question the motives of every single person, no matter what it is their doing. And when I tell myself that it’s irrational, I question that too. Because, what if the other person IS lying? I never put my guard down, I have walls up, and I hate it. But I’m so scared of getting hurt. I just like to fake a smile, throw in a little giggle, and let people not worry. I get into week long bouts of complete sadness and pain, feeling alone, and sometimes get myself into insane panic attacks or mood swings. I’ve lost the joy in doing most things that I love, simply enjoying time with friends and my boyfriend, playing video games, being creative, etc. I don’t have the most supportive or caring parents in the world. They've heavily smoked weed since before I was born. We don’t have an emotional connection to each other, so I’ve never talked about anything close to serious with them. I don’t feel that I can trust or confide in them. I don’t want to randomly ask, Hey, can I go see a therapist? when they have absolutely NO idea about what’s going on. I don’t want to talk to them about my problems, or have them have any involvement in them, I just want professional help. How can I go about it?

[Pete]

Hi, I believe you are aged 17 or 18? First thing I want to state is this: your question was very well worded indeed. Like all people I've known with neurotic illnessess, you are highly intelligent.

The second thing is this, though you won't believe me: for your weight/height I doubt you have such lumps of fat. I really don't!

Thirdly, you had/have a boyfriend, so you're definitely *not* ugly.

Therefore I think it's obvious you have 'BDD'. You also have extreme 'Social Anxiety' and probably 'Avoidant Personality Disorder'.

Therefore the Internet is probably your best source of help. I am guessing, from your name etc, that you are in the USA. If so, America is the king of psychotherapy!

Wherever you are, I suggest get on the blogger Twitter and approach a counsellor/therapist.

Some #hashtags to look for are :-
- #Counseling #Counselling
- #MH
- #MHchat.

From here tweet a professional, who will then direct you further. Many volunteer for free. That's about it!

I can also offer a little tip, if you will not let yourself become embarassed or shocked. Look online at some erotic/pornographic images of women (on their own, BTW).

You will see that they come in all shapes and sizes, from "waifs" to "chubbies", from "tiny" to "giant". All are attractive in their own way. Then find the nearest to yourself and you will feel much more confident in yourself. Imagine (visualise) that you are her.

At your age almost all women are lovely. Please learn to love your body. Not to hate it, but to embrace it, care for it and admire it.

I wish you much luck....