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Can you help me edit this paragraph?
02-13-2013, 02:02 AM
Post: #1
Can you help me edit this paragraph?
I have went through twice and I know some things may be wrong, particularly the paragraphing (I'm not good with how you divide quotes/which quotes to separate) and the semi-colon at the end. Please don't judge content, just grammar. Thank you in advance. (And, yes, Y!A didn't change anything ... this is all one paragraph. I had spaced it out originally but deleted them all because I wasn't sure.)

School is a place meant for learning, and the distraction provided by websites such as Facebook and YouTube only hamper the learning process. One University of Colorado professor found that students who used laptops in class averaged 11% worse on tests than those who took notes on paper. That set the laptop-using group’s average at “almost the same as the average for the students who didn’t come at all.” Some students even confess to being distracted in class, such as Ruben Musca, who says: “If the class is really boring ... I check my Facebook.” Many teachers and professors have say that improper or distracting laptop use has reached the tipping point, leading to teachers to ban use in their respective classes. Some may say that professors, as many did not grow up in the “digital age” do not fully realize the immense benefits or temptation a laptop yields, but as J. P. Krahel, who taught in 2009 and 2012 while studying for his doctorate, says: “Eventually [one student’s] performance dipped a little, and I think he realized it.” He also admits to getting distracted on his laptop and realizing what a waste it was, "having to do a lot of catching up on my own time, or asking for other people's help.” Countless websites can serve as distractions. Facebook and Twitter for socialites, ESPN.com for sports fans, websites for almost any store and hundreds of thousands of other websites for others: YouTube, eBay, Tumblr and other blogging websites, etc. Indeed, there is a website for almost everyone; a recent study by a George Washington University professor indicated 95% of his students admitted to using their laptops for “purposes other than taking notes.”

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02-13-2013, 02:10 AM
Post: #2
 
1. Instead of "That set the laptop-using group’s....." try "This set the laptop-using group’s"
2. Used a comma instead of a colon for: Ruben Musca, who says,“If the....
3. You said: "Many teachers and professors have say that..." Correct: "Many teachers and professors have said that..."
4.

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