How should I forgive my hypocritical family?

[Colm]

I got bullied a lot during most of my childhood and school years. But my family were very unsupportive about it and they made it even harder for me by blaming me for it. My family, especially my dad and older brothers were very mean and insensitive to me because they kept lecturing me how it was my fault, in fact they acted like everything was my fault because I can't take a joke and I'm really sensitive and they often took the bullies' side and showed no sympathy for me at all. In fact, they seemed a lot more interested in making me look like the bad guy and using me as their scapegoat than actually helping me and solving the problem. I was often thinking of committing suicide because it was just so awful and so overwhelming and I felt like nobody would help me no matter how miserable or desperate I was and I was being bullied both at home and in school.

But it's been over three years since this happened, but I often feel the same fear and anxiety that I felt back then. But it only happens when I'm around my family, particularly my dad and older brothers. But I think this is because they were the cause of this trauma and why it's still affecting me. I've tried distancing myself from my family but that only angers them. But sometimes I can't stand being around them and I don't know what to do about it. I've tried talking with them about this because they don't really understand and act all tough and macho and just tell me to "Get over it" or act like it's my fault because I can't move on because they think I'm stubborn or oversensitive or selfish and this just makes me feel even worse. They make it seem like it's okay for them to be mean to me but it's not okay when I do it to them. And they tell me that I don't have that bad of a family but they're just too arrogant and insensitive to understand how deeply they hurt me and they just say I'm whining over nothing. And this makes me feel unloved and disrespected in my family. But my mum is the only family member who I feel loves me but even she can't understand my trauma. And I often feel depressed and lonely around my family and feel like I'll never be free from them.

But I kind of feel I'm disobeying my religion by not forgiving my family because I'm a Catholic. I mean the 5th Commandment says "Honour thy father and thy mother." But then again, the Lord works in mysterious ways and I feel the only way that I can forgive my family is by distancing myself from them and surrounding myself with positive people like my friends so I can find peace and happiness.

[Ephraim]

Well yes you must forgive them, Jesus was very clear in the parable of the man forgiven of a large debt that if you do not forgive others God will not forgive you. A good way to start forgiveness is to forget, it is hard and I understand that. I have a brother who has done things to me in the course of me working for him. All I can say is the start is getting in your mind you will not retaliate, next is starting over acting like you just met them and getting to re know your family. When in doubt remember the golden rule "forgive and forget."

[gw]

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK WITH A COUNSELOR OR
THERAPIST ABOUT IT.........//
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LIFE IS FULL OF UPS AND DOWNS..........//
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GOOD LUCK...........//
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[Tolstoyevsky]

Do we need to revisit the hundreds of other times you've asked this? It's up to you. I can re-post them all.

[Eden]

You can honour them by respecting them. That doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say and do. They have a responsibility towards their offspring and it's clear that they haven't held to that responsibility.

Everyone is culpable for their actions. Don't be afraid to call your parents out on the things that THEY do wrong.

[Daver]

Sorry dude. I gave up negativity for New Year's. . . I don't bother with people who ooz negative vibes. Maybe you should try giving up all the negativity? It's quite liberating!

[William]

I went through similar. But in my situation, I ended up cutting off my relationship with them as a form of self-protection (else it would have destroyed me). A person can only take so much blame and bullying. And as you know, their denial can actually hurt more than the initial bullying. If you end up bending again for them, well it will all repeat again in the future. No? Thus... it is their actions which is forcing you away, and not anything you did.

It's really hard to forgive those who refuse to admit any error. But you don't need to forgive them per se. Just vow to yourself that you won't treat others people the way your family treats you and focus your energy in that direction. In fact, go out and do some volunteer work or something to keep your spirit vibrant and healthy. And avoid at all costs debating or trying to get them to see your point of view. Even if you right (and probably more so because you are right) they will resist and deny and blame you. So arguments become pointless. It's actually more effective to make small comments and walk away so as to not let them respond with their logical fallacy games.

By the way, learn the methods of denial. It will help greatly when dealing with future people who refuse to admit their errors. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies

My answer was not great, because we both know how complex this situation is. (Well actually it's easy, but THEY make it complex.) So email me if you need someone to talk to.

You are not alone pal.

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I hope you catch this additional info I am adding...

I'd like to send you my twitter address regarding my recent workplace bullying situation. I don't want to post it here. But there might be some things in there which resonate with you. Including when I finally spoke up about it and they just blamed me to the point of firing me.

Also, over the course of 2 decades, I was able to trace the problem (which appears to be similar to yours) to one key quirk which my family has: very poor active listening skills. Even the act of explaining feelings becomes impossible if people limit you to 3 sentences before they interrupt. And poor listening skills, which includes asking you questions and taking an interest in you, results in a HUGE list of effects which are similar to the things you wrote about. I'm actually preparing a website explaining all this in detail. I'd like to send you this as well.

I'm not trying to shift the focus on me at all. I just want you to know that you are not alone. And as you get to know others who went through similar situations, it can help a lot. Because most of the answers are already within yourself, but without proper support and nurturing those answers within you will remain suppressed.

Too often you will have no choice but to interact with these people. Key is to limit your time, and to be prepared ahead of time mentally so as to not get your hopes up when you are interacting with them. Your forgiveness can manifest in your new kindness towards them but without a doubt you have to be in control of the situation in terms of when or how much interaction there is. Since people are often so dumb-downed, one trick is to view your interaction as 'volunteering'; instead of getting your hopes up you hide your true self and be the person they want you to be during the times you are with them. Listen to their babbling, gossip, finding fault with everything, assuming without facts, silly opinions based on zero research, etc If you exist on a totally different or advanced level, viewing your interaction with them as 'charity' makes it little easier to deal with. But you have to take other steps to retain and continue your own personal power and essence.

Look what Daver wrote above: "Maybe you should try giving up all the negativity? It's quite liberating!" That's the kind of denial which implies YOU are the one at fault. And notice how it avoids actually taking the time to help you. Also, it is a "straw man" response... ignoring the points you say but instead lumping it all in as "negativity". Typical black or white thinking, versus exploring all the shades of gray. Is Daver one of your relatives? lol

[NicholasFrancis231]

You must always forgive no matter what. It may be difficult, but even just saying that you forgive them and trying act and think that way is forgiving them. It is just an act of the will.

However, in this case, it sounds like there may be some psychological factor that distresses you when you are around them. This is something you cannot control and therefore not a sin.

[Hogie]

You quote the old covenant commandment about honoring your parents. The New Covenant law of faith states that you are to have love even for your enemies.

Jesus, while on the stake, prayed to God, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Your father and family do not know what they are doing. You can forgive their ignorance and subsequent behavior. God will deal with them in His good time.

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