How Do You Deal with Double Standards?

[Tamara M]

Sooo... I feel like my boyfriend has some double standards. It drives me to distraction and makes me want to scream at him, but I always just hold it in. If I do not answer while he is calling me, he gets upset and suspicious and acts like he's "caught" me doing something wrong (i.e. cheating). I've never cheated on him, and never would. Even calling him back immediately isn't good enough. We've been dating just over a year. If I call back after 10 seconds he'll be like "what were you doing? Why didn't you answer?" If I say I was in the shower, he'll be like "right." like he's not convinced, and change the subject.

We had an incident when we'd been dating 4 months and he started going through my facebook on my computer (which he shouldn't be) and I had been venting to a friend a month before about him and said "I'll probably just keep him around until I start seeing someone else," and he confronted me about it on the spot and we fought a bit and decided to stay together, but he still brings it up every time we fight, even though I've since deleted FB and stopped talking to all male friends and that was nearly a year ago.

Yet, if I bring up the fact that he wrecked my brand new $33,000 car and it still hasn't been repaired when he says what a lousy driver *I* am, he says "you can't play the same card every time--it's incredibly immature."

Two weeks ago I moved out of his house (I'd been staying with him between moving out of my apartment and closing on my house) and he got upset when he came home and all my stuff was gone (I'd texted him about 8 times about it, and tried to call twice and he didn't answer). He tried to call me at nearly 1 am and I didn't answer because I was exhausted. He called me the next morning saying "what'd you do last night?" and when I said "umm, I unpacked?" He said "okay, and what'd you REALLY do?" When I said "exactly what I just told you--I had a car full of stuff and didn't even get started 'til 6" he said "you're full of sh*t" and hung up. I drove back over to smooth things over and he said he'd "forgiven" me, but that it "looked really bad"
A few days ago, he called me as I was pulling in to Starbucks and asks where I was and when I said "just pulled in to Starbucks" he said "you're acting weird, where are you really? You're not really at Starbucks." What? I was staring right at the sign for Starbucks??? When I told him so he said "whatever" and hung up.

YET, he goes out and plays golf all the time, without notice, and stays out drinking with his buddies at the country clubs and local bars 'til late, and doesn't call. If I try to call he doesn't answer because "it died on the golf course," "I left it in my car", "I didn't hear it ring", "the call must not have gone through." Sometimes I don't hear from him for 30+ hours because "I got drunk and lost my charger, so I just now saw your missed call." Yet I've never once accused him of cheating on me.

Also, I leave my phone unlocked and laying out on the kitchen counter while I sleep, because I have nothing to hide. The other week, I was showing him a picture on it, and when it vibrated, I got excited and grabbed it back from him, thinking one of my friends had texted me and not wanting him to see my girl talk. He said it must be because I'm talking to a guy and didn't want him to see--the vibrating turned out to be my ESPN app (which I downloaded for HIS convenience) notifyin me of a goal scored.

YET, he's never once let me touch his phone, and he has it locked and I don't know the password (and don't want to). Even when I've offered to help him set somethin up on it, he's screamed at me "I'll never learn if you do it for me--just tell me how and I'll do it!"

He asks "let me see your phone" all the time to browse the web--he has since we met and I let him.

I haven't heard from him since about noon and now it's close to 10pm. He told me to call him later. I called him when I woke up this afternoon (I work nights) and he didn't answer, and I left a voicemail and he hasn't replied.

How is that fair?

[Believer]

It isn't fair. You need to dump him now. A year of a guy accusing you of cheating? I don't see how you do it. But you need to dump him. It isn't fair that he accuses you and hides his phone. He won't change.