Men: Ever get frustrated with women who are more interested in you after you've both moved on?

[Dilemma Time]

I'm dealing with a nasty feeling tonight that I just can't shake and really can't talk about without the guise of anonymity.

I have a wonderful girlfriend. We've been together for two and a half years. We now live together. It's awesome. She's spectacular.

She actually asked me out first. The only reason this is key is because, while it's worked out great, she's basically been my first and only long-term girlfriend. I messed around some in and after college with girls who were interested in me, but I could never get anywhere with the girls I was interested in myself. I had a plague of what's now called "getting friendzoned."

A while back, I ran into the last girl I dated before my current girlfriend. I really liked her, but our one real date was awkward, I was nervous and we didn't hit it off. She stayed in touch and had occasional friendly communication on social media, even after she met another guy and got married.

One day, I run into her and her husband at an open-air pub. We hit it off so well that day that I nearly forgot her husband was there and that I had a girlfriend. She laughed at my jokes, we had awesome conversation, the whole nine.

I walked away that night and was angry for the next two days. Why couldn't she see the real me way back when? Why didn't she see past the nerves? Why did I have to go so long with failure after failure?

I another such circumstance happened tonight. A girl I liked in college. I didn't pull the trigger on asking her out between the time I met her and when she met Boyfriend #1, but during one of their separations, I asked her to a big formal event and she went with me. Milestone life accomplishment for me that she said 'Yes', but again, nerves, we didn't really hit it off. She and Boyfriend #1 continued their rockiness for another year or so and she broke it off, but quickly found Boyfriend #2, whom she married and moved with out west.

In the process of moving in with my current girlfriend, I found the boutonniere box I had labelled and saved from that formal night. A few days later, she left a note on one of my Facebook posts. I sent her a little message back laughing about having found the boutonniere. She sent me something back, laughing along and saying it was sweet I kept it.

She came back visiting for the holidays tonight and was out with the social circle. I swear, she never gave me more attention than she did tonight. Every time she made a point, she'd make sure to touch my arm or shoulder for emphasis. She was funny and thought I was funny. I felt kind of bad because my girlfriend was right there and I was afraid she'd think we were flirting.

As I had the chance to sit alone tonight, the anger and frustration returned. Yes, it was seven years ago. But I really liked that girl. Yes, I know, I have someone great now, as does she. But why does it have to work so well when there's nothing on the line and after the fact? Why did I have to live through the hurt feelings and pain of thinking I wasn't going to find someone for so long? That was a lot of life I spent frustrated and, when those folks come back and there's such a great connection when nothing's on the line, I feel like, way back then, I was right about my feelings and the girls were either wrong or dumb or whatever then and didn't really give me a fair shake until there was nothing on the line.

Anyone else ever find themselves in this situation and feel this way? Any coping tips?

[Eva]

I got rejected by a guy last year. I see him a year later and he now wants my attention. Well I had already moved on so too bad. He had his chance

[Prince Frank]

Its like employment. When you don't have a job you are going to be desperate to find one>And it repulses potential employers. The same with potential significant others.

Now you are not desperate. You are not looking for anyone. And maybe that is why these girls were suddenly into you.

[Profile]

Don't rape anyone!! I kind of doubt you will because you used paragraphs but you did write a lot so who knows?

[Zack]

It's about the paradigm you're living through. You see, there's something different about you now, that you didn't have back then. It seems to me that you've gained quite a lot of experience since college. You've met girls, you've tried your luck with them, you've probably failed on numerous occasions, but each and every one of those interactions and situations you've had with girls have given you valuable experience and helped you evolve into a better man. You've probably even developed a better sense of humor throughout the years, along with this confidence of yours.

You need to see this more as a Journey. You need to realize that you've progressed and improved yourself throughout the years and this has greatly to do with why these girls are suddenly falling head over heals for you. You are more mature, they are probably more insecure (looks might be fading depending on their age), but also another very important aspect is the fact that you're TAKEN and have a wonderful girlfriend.

This undoubtedly triggers something in the minds of these women. I'm sure you know how they say that women want what they can't have, right? Well, that could certainly explain part of why they've suddenly got so interested and attracted to you.
You're no longer that desperate fool trying to gain their validation. You've now a girlfriend and you aren't trying to win them over anymore.

And this is crucial. It's part of your attitude. Girls can easily detect when a man is single or not. It shows in the way he speaks and his body language. A man who displays body language and sub-communications of a man who is taken will always be more attractive to women. They have no control over feeling attracted to you when you act like you've got your life handled and you have a girlfriend.

Back then, it was like you were trying to convince them desperately to to become your girlfriend and this attitude turned them off. You may have even tried to buy their love at times (ie. buying gifts, dinners, etc. in the hopes that she would magically fall in love with you).

So no, you need to have a new perspective at this. I can certainly understand your frustration. I'd definitely hate it if all the girls I was after when I was younger, suddenly came crawling back to me and flirting with me JUST when I'm finally taken and unable to return the flirtations and get closer to them. But still, you need to accept that Attraction in women works differently than with men. You need to accept that you weren't quite a fully grown Attractive male back in college. But now you are...

Coming from a player, I would strongly suggest you pay attention to your own attitude and behavior. It will serve you IMMENSELY in the future if you ever break up with your girlfriend. Say, 2 years from now, you meet a new chick, you're gonna have to call forth the same attitude you have now instead of the needy college guy you used to be. A mere change in mind frame and attitude can make a world of a difference when it comes to attracting women.

[Scott Nails]

No, I still offer them to be FWB