Whats the resolution?

[esmerelda]

I met my partner over a year ago and after six months he moved from his hometown of derby to where I live in West Midlands and got a new job.

His wife moved someone else in whilst he was at work and they got divorced. He met me 4 months later. He has four children a boy 15 and boy 13 a boy 9 and a little girl of 5. When they divorced, he rented a small apartment nearby and his wife was very erratic with his access as she wanted her new partner to bond with them. He had them when she needed him to.

When he moved in with me we had more structured access ie: one child every other week as we couldnt have them all together as his middle two are autistic and the older one (15) doesnt like doing the same thing. I have three boys (24, 17 and 15) He has been down a couple of times and stayed.

Last week, he went al funny on his dad and was sending him aloof messages. We both have him on facebook and I ask him down EVERY weekend. Yesterday, he blocked me and said he wanted an urgent word with his dad. His dad drove up to Derby and had a word to see what the matter was. When he got there he was confronted with "I dont want to share you, I want to see you on your own every saturday all day and didnt want to see any of my family anymore" !!! His dad politely reminded him that it wasnt his fault that he was in this situation but refused to have sole access as he also has another family too (We are getting married in November)

His ex wife has now said that unless he sees him on his own every saturday all day - he cannot see him.

My fiance said fine - you do that but ! He has stated that he has a family also now and that he was entitled to move on also. He has since (last night) swore at my younger son for no reason and kicked him off his facebook page and told him to F..... off!

Can I state here that I am happy that he has children and indeed met him on a dating site and specifically wanted someone with kids as they had to understand what having kids was all about. I knew he had kids and was happy with that. I am also happy with seeing them and indeed have taken them out the three younger ones seperately whilst he went out on a day trip with the older one.

I am furious at the situation as its upsetting my fiance but he said he doesnt know what he should do. I suggested that he moved back up to near where they are and we just date as normal like before. He said there was no way on this earth he was going to do that and that I was more important as I was his future.

Please.......................someone help with this as I dont know what to say or do but support him.

Thank you
oh sorry guys I think some of you have missed the point here. His son does not want to come over as before - he wants my fiance to leave me and my children (who have a great relationship with him) over the weekend to go and spend "alone time" with him when his mother doesnt do the same thing. I dont spend "alone one to one time" with my kids as we all go out as a family at least twice a month as in between - they have their own interests. My fiance doesnt want to ponder to his hissy fit as it will just encourage the behaviour. I agree its important to see his kids and I have always actively encouraged it but if his son wont come down (and to be quite frank I dont want him here now) then I dont know how the situation is going to be resolved as he said if hes given anultimatum - he will choose me,
and in response to D.B. - I dont knoe how you can say stay out of it as very soon we are marrying so he will also be my family and not his ex wifes partner anymore

[Open Sauce]

In these situations, the woman holds the dominating hand. As she is the mother, she can make life as complex as she wants for her ex. It's a difficult situation but one that you knew you were taking on. I think that your partner should agree with his son, to see him for one day alone. In that time he could strengthen his bond with his son, and at an appropriate time he could point out that he's not happy with his son sharing his time with his mums boyfriend, but that is something he has to live with too.
Your partner needs to re-enforce his bond with his children, and needs to let them learn for themselves how important you are in his life, but it will take time.

[Normansgirl]

Firstly I would like to admire how caring and accommodating you have been to your partner and his children. Coping with two lots of teenagers cannot be easy, whether they are your own or not. The behaviour of his eldest son (15) sounds typical of that age towards a father and you can be sure that his mother is having something to do with it. I would say that I think that situation is for your partner and his son and ex to sort out and that you should concentrate on the other children to make life as happy as possible. Of course your partner needs lots of support from you, but not to the detriment of your own children. They are the most important for you to keep happy. If you decide to stay living together in what is basically your home, then he must accept that his children visit on your terms as often as is acceptable to all concerned, and this will include his ex and her new partner. A lot of consideration and compromise will be involved in such a complicated situation. I'm sure you made the statement about him moving out in a moment of anger and hurt so tell him that you want this sorted out without resorting to that. You obviously love his children and want them to see their Dad so get a plan that suits all concerned and see how that goes. If that doesn't work, then try another one. I will tell you something I learned a long time ago - "You will never please all the people all of the time". I wish you all the love and luck in the World.

[D. B.]

You are right. The only thing you can do is be supportive. I would stay out of his relationship with his children. i would not be sending them facebook messages for now. Not forever but for now. You can talk to your sman as much as you want about it in private but let him deal directly with his kids and you should just on the sidelines about dealing with them directly. It will all work out the way it is supposed to. It is a confusing situation with all the kids and stuff. I would plan where you live and stuff around what is best for you and him financially as far as your jobs and such as maintaining your income is crucial when you have so many children dependent on you two.