I need some help with a problem!?

[Becka]

Okay, so, I'm a 24-year-old chick and married to a 32-year-old man. I am a very freaky and kinky gal, and I love love love sex. When I say freaky and kinky, I mean that I love bondage, sex toys, oils, massages, rough sex, etc. and I would be more than okay doing it every day. My husband and I used to do it all the time, sometimes a couple of times a day, and he expressed the same bedroom interests as me. He would hit on me and flirt with me all the time, initiate the sex, and loved it when I would send him dirty pictures while he was at work. He would come home from work after I sent him a dirty picture and throw me on the bed and have his way with me. I was thrilled and always exhausted, just the way I like it. He knew my body better than I did. For the past year or so, though, he has barely noticed me. I send him dirty pictures while he's at work, and he doesn't even acknowledge them when he gets home. When I ask if he liked the pictures, he just distractedly says yes, and goes about his business. We have gone months at a time without having sex, and during this time, he shrugs off my advances and completely ignores me, physically. I once caught him using a flash drive, and I asked him what he was doing, and he said that he was deleting his old work stuff off of it. I then noticed that he was doing a system restore on his laptop. After he went to work, I looked everywhere for his flash drive, and I couldn't find it. When he got home, I asked him where it was, and he said he didn't know. After he went to bed, I looked in his pants pocket, and found the flash drive. I popped it into my laptop, and lo and behold, there are hundreds of porn pictures, most of them just naked women. There were a few suggestive photos of friends that he used to pursue before he met me, like ones that he would save off of their social media profiles, and they were in a folder named "friends". I have caught him searching out old flames on social media sites, and I've caught him looking at porn A LOT, and this was during the time that he was refusing my advances and neglecting me. He has lied to me several times and betrayed my trust concerning these issues, and I had a full-on emotional breakdown after I found out what was on the flash drive. He got on his knees and begged me to not to leave him (I asked him what the point was in me staying if I couldn't trust him) and I saw real fear in his eyes. Since then, he has given me his passwords and I've been keeping tabs, and he has kept his promise. The thing that still upsets me is that he still doesn't want sex very often, and he has lost his kinky ways. He says that it's just exhaustion and stress from work, but even on his days off, when he sleeps in until noon, he claims to be tired or just not in the mood. I have been relying on masturbation for a year now, and it's just not doing it anymore. I need the physical contact and the intimacy of sex, and I want him. There have been times when I prettied myself up as much as I could, wearing the bra and panties he used to like on me, and I would start foreplay with him, trying to get him in the mood, and he would reject me, and I would just lose control of my emotions and start crying and saying that I didn't know what to do anymore to get him to notice me and want me, and he would hug me and apologize, but he would still have nothing to do with me, sexually. I wrote him a letter, explaining exactly how I felt, and after that, he was spontaneous again and initiated the sex on the regular basis, but that lasted for about two weeks, and he said that he knew that it wasn't okay for him to neglect me and ignore me. But, now, again, we're only having sex about once every 1-2 weeks, and it's like pulling teeth to get him to even do that. If I wasn't persistent in my advances, we would be having sex once every three months, and that bothers me, that it's such a pain for him to even get turned on by me and want to have sex with me. Is there anyone out there that has any advice for me? Either chicks in the same situation as me, or dudes? Thank you in advance!!

[captb007]

Sounds like the once every two week cycle is not working for you. You need to get a guy on the side to take care of these things for you. Keeping all that sexuality bottled up is no good for your health.

[Jonathan]

It sounds very much to me as though you have overwhelmed him and he's mentally "burned out" by you. I don't mean "turned off." I just mean that you came on like a ton of bricks and, for a while, that was fine. But in time he just felt you were far "superior" to him in this area and to actually finish himself (not just get horny) he needs to not feel that way or have those feelings of being overwhelmed come up sporadically while having sex.

That doesn't stop his basic needs. It's just that he needs to be away from you if his imagination is to work without interruption. So he's looking to porn, because that doesn't make him feel inferior or cause him to have periodic thoughts that take the mood away long enough to "make things difficult."

I think he likes you a lot. So don't turn this into anything more than his own problems he needs to contend with inside his mind. You probably need to give him some space and make him feel your best friendship and love, right now, not your sex drive. I think he's been overwhelmed and doesn't even know himself anymore. He needs to rediscover for himself first and only afterwards share that with you when he is ready to do that.

I'm just guessing, though.

I'm like you. Twice a day right now and I'm 60. At your age it was much more often -- typically four and sometimes even twice that when I didn't have responsibilities. But I know my wife felt completely overwhelmed until I finally began to understand her better and learn what it really means to be a friend to her. Today, we have worked out all these details and comfortably and lovingly enjoy twice a day events. But there was a time when I needed to learn how to give her the space she needed and to continually remind her that I was fine with that, so she could eventually find herself and also realize that my friendship and love and desire to create a safe place for her trumps everything else. That she should NEVER feel the least bit of pressure and that if there is ANYTHING that causes her to not want to have sex, no matter the reason, all she has to do is say so and I will make sure she knows that I love making that easy for her to say because I love being her friend first and foremost -- I make sure the day is just as productive (or more so) so that even in the back of her mind she has no discomfort making such decisions.

If I'm right, you may need to give him some time and space and put on your friendship hat and NOT make him feel like he is destroying your life or making you miserable. Let him feel safe from these pressures. It may take a lot of courage from you, but try not to be persistent with him... tell him clearly that you will let him bring it up and that you will be fine, otherwise. (You can be honest in saying that it will take some effort on your part -- I think he'd already know that anyway -- but tell him that it won't impact your friendship and love and that you will make do on your own.) I think it would be reasonable, after some months, to ask politely (making sure you calm his worries down by telling him it is fine if he says no) about whether or not he would be willing... if he hasn't on his own asked you about it beforehand. But give some substantial space -- something that really does take a lot of effort and courage on your part -- and do it without wearing some kind of self-suffering behavior.. be boyant and caring and productive in the meantime so that he doesn't have to feel terrible ... if he does, he will stay in his funk.)

That's the best I can offer. You are on one end of a spectrum of behavior. That's not bad. It's just you. (Something I completely understand -- were I 32 I would even have worn you out, I suspect... though I'm not so kinky and more like a geek physicist who just happens to like sex a lot.) But you have a partner who seems to care a lot about you and value you. I just think he's been worn out in his head and is struggling with himself right now. You need to be that friend he needs and help him as a friend, not as an insistent lover.

Best wishes.