Trying to leave an abusive ex?

[king]

We dated for four years and he was a nightmare. He abused me in every form possible from emotional, to verbal, and physically hitting me or shoving my down stairs, to even kicking me while I was on the floor. Our relationship was always his way. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, wear any light color clothing, or any makeup and I wasn't allowed to have a Facebook or any social media. In the duration of our relationship I've only met two of his friends in the beginning of when we began dating. I lost so much hair and weight that now I'm showing signs of balding and weigh 84 pounds. I broke up with him a month ago because I couldn't deal with his abuse. While I lost all my friends due to him, he went out and partied all night. He lied about where he was and what he was doing. He met up with ex girlfriends and argued with me over the most ridiculous things. I can't stand him and I can't help but hope that he will be miserable in his life.

I know there are SO many people out there much better then him. He thinks he is above everyone for reasons I have yet to find out. I know I'm not going back to him though being with someone for four years is a long time. I know being without him is for the best but I still need help getting over him.

Do you have advice on coping with a break up or stories of your abuser and your success story? I'd love to hear some motivation right now
I'm 20 and he's 21

[Happy-2]

How to move on from your ex:

Remove Old Photos: Make sure there are no photos of you and your ex lying around the house. You could be having a great day and then all of a sudden go into a drawer and find a photo of the two of you hugging in a swimming pool. While you may not have gotten sunburned at the pool, you might have gotten burned by your ex and you don't need to be reminded of it. Pack up all of the photos and put them in a box far away from any place you could stumble upon it. Save cell phone pictures to a folder in a location you never or rarely go to.

Go New Places: Going to the same restaurants, cafés and coffee shops that you went to with your ex should be off your radar. It's best to find new places with new faces. Don't go into places where they know you as a couple when you want the world to now know you as a single person.

Remove Cell Phone Reminders: Delete any old voicemail messages or texts from your ex. That birthday text message your former partner sent you last year might have been cute then, but if you stumble upon it now it loses its luster. Clear out your inbox and make room for all the new messages and possibilities.

Select New Music: Don't listen to songs that remind you of your ex. There's nothing like making an effort to put your ex out of your mind and then the song that played when you started dating starts up on your iPod. Clear the decks and make a new playlist.

Login to Your New Life: The Internet probably contains many reminders of your ex. Your Facebook may need the biggest clean-up. Head in there and delete any photos with both of you together. Also, the friends that went over to your ex's side of the fence once the split happened should be unfriended immediately.

Think Positive Thoughts: It's not just physical things that can remind you of your ex. Thoughts that we have can change our outlook on life, so think positively. Don't remind yourself of all of the things your ex did that you couldn't stand. Instead, be positive and focus on all of the things you're going to achieve in your new life.

Make Notes of Your Progress: Write down the progress that you're making as a new single person. Get a journal and put down your thoughts as they come to you. List where you've been and where you're headed. This will keep your eye on the prize -- happiness.

[straightjar798]

I had a relationship like that when I was 15. After he told me that he thought way of killing me i ended it. He stalked me for 3 years but he finally left me alone. You can do this. Do not go back to him.

[curvedhot937]

I was in an abusive relationship for almost a year. He had me so brainwashed I always took him back despite the terrible things he did. When I attempted to leave him the last time he forced me to have sex. I never pressed charges because I was too humiluated to let others know what had happened and wasn't prepared to be torn apart in court by a defence lawyer.

One thing I know for myself, and what experts will tell you is that abusers will draw you in and convince you they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Then they will isolate you from family and friends. That makes you easier to manipulate.

I had to cut off all ties altogether. Although I was tempted to check in and see what he was up to (mostly because like you, I wanted him to be miserable) I had to move on. He showed up at my brother's work one day like nothing had ever happened, bragging about his new wife. My brother didn't know about what happened with him and mentioned it to me, which caused an emotional meltdown. It took some counseling to not only figure out why I allowed myself to be with someone like this, but how I could prevent it from happening again.

Terrible things happen in life all the time. As much as you would like to see this man suffer, and as unfair as it is he did this to you, you can't do a thing about it. The more you dwell on it the worse it will make you feel. I suggest talking to a counselor on a regular basis to ensure you won't fall for someone like this again.

[Robert]

Hello King,

I hope you are now living in a safe place where your violent ex cannot become a threat to you again.
I know you will not want to do this, but, as a duty to other women your ex may otherwise abuse in the future, I believe you should report him to the police.

Consider getting some counselling to help you with the trauma caused to you, and to help you move on in your life.

Consider making new friends, who can then support you emotionally,
Be careful about contacting former friends in case they become intimidated into revealing your whereabouts.

When you are ready to date again, I would suggest you consider a "matchmaker". This could be in the form of a friend, or a dating agency. The reason I suggest this is that there is some evidence to suggest that for whatever reason, some women can tend to end up with the same sort of man.

I hope your future will be happy, and that you will be able in some way to put the bad memories behind you.

Regards,

Robert.

[Texas girl]

Please don't go back to him... I know it must hurt really bad inside because you are attached to him. I was in a situation similar to this once..

I promise it will get better. Things that helped me:

I went to church every Sunday. I started learning that God had something else planned for me.

Work out. Run or walk.. it releases endorphines which makes you happy!

Go to counseling... or talk to someone!! I went to a counselor about 5 times and it really helped to talk about it.

This was 3 years ago for me... It took me a while to get over him. Eventually I did online dating (my friends convinced me) and now I have been with a new mna for 8 months who treats me SOOO well and I now realize that the best thing I ever did was stop talking to my ex.

[Brianna]

The very first thing you do is contact your police department and demand to file a report of abuse. Explain that he has done physical harm and you need a record of that in case he does anything to you in the future. Most abusers, when they realize you aren't coming back, do harm you and you want a record of it. If the police try to talk you out of it, say you are afraid and want it on record in case anything ever happens. it is your LEGAL right to file a report. If you can, ask your dad to come along with you or your mother.

Next step is to ask the officer to get you in contact with the people at the abuse shelter. They will help you find counseling that can actually help you to change and hopefully never accept another abusive relationship. Trust me, if you do not do this part, you will end back up into another bad and abusive relationship. Patterns are hard to see and even harder to break. That's why you need real counseling to help. I know, I went through this with my first marriage.

The simplest way to start to get over a person is to realize that it's easy to romanticize all the great stuff about him and put an end to those kinds of thoughts. Write a large list of every damaging thing he's ever said or done to you. You can add to this list every single time you remember something new. Journal about all the bad times and whenever some good time pops into your head go back and read your list and make sure you remember it like it truly was! Then do all the exercises the counselor tells you to do and that will take the thinking off of him and put it onto yourself and help you fix the problems that helped you get into a long and bad relationship. Call your friends too and say you are sorry it took you so long to see him for who he truly is. but you are ready to put him behind you and need support. You'll be surprised at how many will be waiting for that call and ready to help you. Don't doubt me on that one. Again, I know from experience.

[l8tr g8tr]

What do you mean he went out and partied all night? How do you know this?

I think what you need is help from a woman's shelter. You need therapy, food, and to completely cut contact with that guy.