Is this the right way to do it?

[James]

It's not a question itself, I just want to express this, and that you guys give me your opinion. I am sorry but it is the typical boring love story.
I've been loving a girl for 4 years. So has her. She fell in love with me, and the know as I did. We loved so much each other, but she ruined it, she went with another guy (while still loving me) and she wanted to make me jealous. I don't know why she did this (why couldn't we just be happy together?) maybe she didn't want to love me anymore for x or y reason. With time I grew more desperate, and sad. I almost turned to hate her, but I think she saw how much sad I looked and break up with him, to turn her attention on me again, but I responded negatively. I ignored her, but she was all in towards me, If she wouldn't be that way with me I would totally accept her. I wanted to make her feel the same way she made me feel (and I know it's the worst thing I could ever do) so I got another girlfriend and made her jealous, let's call her Just JH. She seemed so sad, and I liked that (I know I sound sick). She got another boy, not a boyfriend, but was flirting with someone else, you know, playing the same game. I got sad because of it AGAIN and I again got sad, this time worst, depressed. I broke with the JH ( I in fact also loved JH, but not as the other true girl). I really felt depressed, and this depression led to worst things. I started to think of suicide, then cutting, then killing and you know. I had a bad childhood, I live with a medium-low class family. That depression led me to even psychosis, I still have psychotic problems by this time. I think of murder, I have delusions, I am a pessimist, and still a sad person. Don't worry, murder is not a choice (in fact I want to help society). So back again, she saw I was depressed, but didn't cared as much, she thought with time I would heal. By this point of the story I still love her si much, and so does her. I've done everything with her, I've hugged her, I've talked romantically to her, I have sent her flowers, letters confessing love, except kissing. All these happened way before she did that to me, it is just to address you on how much I love her. And the situation is worse now. Me, with the psychotic problems, and depression, still loving her, is getting into dark stuff. In fact I've always been, into occultism and worshiping satan and all those stuff. I adore philosophy and psychiatry. I love her so much. We always share glances at one another. We still get nervous at one another. It's impossible to still be with her after all we've gone through. Now she seems to be the good one, and I am the dark one. It looks like she is going to finish in the good side, like the friendly, nice, cheerful girl, and me the dark, anti-social sociopath (which I am under diagnosis) bipolar one I am. But I want to end all this, once and forever this coming week. I will talk her for the first time in months. I will tell her all I have been through, how much I loved her etc.. And for last, I will tell her that I have to forget her, and hand her a letter which will tell all my life within those years, but for that to happen, that she must forget me also. This is going to be really hard. She must forget me, and so must I, only then, I have a chance to be happy and free. I know I sound so dramatic, and stupid, but I am truly creative and artistic. I am a very talented, and intelligent peron. I play guitar, piano, violin, drums and a little bass. I am also good looking so many girls have been checking an eye on me (It's not for boasting, I hate boasting). I don't love her since this moment, I just feel suppressed, and I regret all the events I witnessed with her. It's is even more stupid that I am only 15 years old. Please, don't come up with you are only a teen, because I do know that, but I am mentally sick and currently taking zoloft medication. I am almost an expert in psychogy, though I don't know how to handle my onw psyche. Please tell me I feel all this because of hormones, but anyway I am still doing it. Sorry for my english, I had to write this fast (I am going to my aunt's house). Before you judge me, imagine yourself in my position, feel empathy, don't say I am being dramatic, because if I truly am being dramatic, for me it's very real and sad. Since this moment, I stop loving you,
Jaine.

[Pacific View]

Hope you keeep a journal.
If so, you will benefit and possibly enjoy reading posts such as this one
Seems like you have a good plan ...I think
I don't know how old you are, but I do know being a lesbian( or anyone) is not easy, especially if you are under the age of 18
Dealing with mental health issues is not easy either, but your writing reflects that you are reflecting
Psychiatric meds are difficult, especially if you are younger than 45
You are not alone, even if you feel lonely
Thoughts of suicide, cutting and self hurting are dangerous and you should talk to someone--and if you don't have someone, then call 911 and ask to be connected to the suidicde hot line
Thinking about murder....that is not OK
Get help