how do i convince my wife she deserves better?

[DoubleL]

Its a long story but I will keep it short.

My high school sweetheart and I were all set to attend the same school. At the last moment a girl got pregnant and a scholarship opened up for her at her dream school on the east coast. She wanted to turn it down to stay with me, my mother convinced me that if I cared for her I wouldn't allow her to turn it down. So after a lot of tears and pain she decided to go. We did the long distance thing but over time we simply drifted apart.

Soon after I meet a wonderful girl. We dated for several years and there came a point when she was ready to be married. I thought I was in love so we did it. Our marriage from my point of view is only ok. We don't have any kids. But she is happy. She is excited about everything.

Problem, about a year ago I was contacted by my ex. I don't have a facebook or any social media stuff so she did it the old fashion way. We started talking mostly emails and mostly inbounds and respectful of our relationships. Sadly it grow from that and old feelings came flooding back. We have meet up a couple times in person over the past few months and we've never got physical, not that it makes it any better, we both know that we have already damaged our relationships, her beyond repair and she left her husband in november. Now its time for me to decide. I love my wife I really do, and she is a great woman, but I also love my ex. My ex is like a drug and I can't stop with her. I think it comes down to the fact that I didn't love my wife enough to not allow this to happen. She is wonderful and deserves to be someones first choice, I just doubt I can ever make her mine. Know I'm stuck with convincing her I'm not good enough for her. My mom (yes I asked her) said I'm a coward and I'm only looking back because I'm scared to go forward. I m not being fair to my wife and I need to let her go. My fear is I will regret it. I don't know, this is hard, and I don't want anyone to be hurt or be a bad guy.
Jodie, honestly if it was that simple I wouldn't be having an issue with it. The truth is my wife deserves better then me. She is kind and loving and totally faithful mind body and soul. She is everything I could ask for except my first choice. Sure I could stay with her and we would most likely be happy. But it would be pretending in part by me. I know a lot of the issue is unresolved feeling for my ex. We never had an ending. I also know there is a good chance that its a mistake going back. I just don't know that I can live a lie with a wonderful that should have a man that will give her his total heart.

[Chelsea]

Dude, you promised your entire life to this woman. If you loved her, there wouldn't even be an issue. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

[melodicsoap767]

You shouldn't have married her if you didn't love her, but still it would be unfair to STAY in this marriage with this POOR woman. Get a divorce because it is you and not her. If you go back to your lovely dovey ex do expect karma to bite you in the tush because of what you did to this woman.

[Jodie]

You are playing with fire. And you know what? When you married your wife, you knew the other person was out there, and yet you still made the decision. Marriage is a COMMITMENT, one that cannot work with ANY third party. You are not being fair to your wife by having your ex in your head.
I'm not trying to convince you to leave your wife; I'm trying to convince you to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS.
I know I sound like one, big lecture right now, but you HAVE to get your head back right. It doesn't matter that you haven't physically had an affair; you've done that in your head, which is really worse.

Tell your ex good-bye. Tell her that she has been on your mind all these years, that you never stopped loving her, that you will always wonder what would have been... (I've been there, I promise)... but you're married, and even if there is a time somewhere down the road, it can't be while you're married, that you made a commitment to this woman, and she deserves better.

If you haven't yet, watch FireProof Your Marriage. Go to your local library and request a copy. Then take the 40 Day Love Dare. IF you put your whole heart into it, and not just do as little as possible to get by, your marriage will change all for the better. Yes, the movie itself is fake, but its principles are real. It helps if you're a Christian, but even if you aren't, simply by following the principles will change your marriage for the better.

True LOVE is not just a warm, fuzzy feeling: it's a commitment. It's time to honor it.

I KNOW I sound so harsh here; I'm sorry. But I've been there. There was a boy I had known since 7th grade. He moved away, we found each other again after high school. He was in the army. We started to get together again, but he was getting transferred to Germany, and we didn't want to hold each other back. I met my now-husband (25 years now!!!) and were getting married, when Calvin was in a terrible motorcycle accident. He came back home and called me. There was a part of me that wanted to throw myself back into his arms and say, "WHY DID I EVER AGREE TO LET YOU GO!" but I had a commitment. When we got married, I kept wondering if I screwed up, especially with the smallest (or biggest!) argument. I'd wonder "what if..."
Here's what my husband doesn't know. One night, after an argument, I went back to Calvin and asked him the "what if" question. Do you know what he did? He sent me HOME. That's a good guy. If you aren't strong enough to leave behind your ex, you need to ask her to do it for you.
Give your own marriage a chance. Keep away from porn, other women, and other ex'es. Bringing in a third party makes it very difficult to get on with your own life.
Please feel free to contact me. I'm not sure if it's set up or not, but I'm going to see. In fact, if it helps, even give my contact info to your wife. I really want the two of you to work out.

I KNOW this is hard, but marriage does include sacrifices. You can do this.

[Claude]

Well, too bad. You are a bad guy. Your wife just doesn't know it yet. And every minute that passes without your telling her makes it worse. Your mom sounds smart; you are a coward. Just rip off the band-aid and deal with the consequences. And thank GOD you didn't have kids yet.

[unknown]

Break up and go back to her