What do you think of my answer to this geography question please?

[oli]

Just to put things into context, the chapter the question is taken from is called 'How does evidence from personal, local and national sources help us understand the pattern of population change in the UK?'

So, there's a graph called 'Cause of death in England and Wales, 1901 and 2001.' I couldn't find it online but here's a summary: it shows five main causes of death
1) Other diseases including unidentified
2)Infectious Disease
3) Lung and respiratory disease
4) Heart and Circulation disease
5) Cancer

Basically, deaths from 4) and 5) have gone up , 4) having quadrupled and 5) probably having gone up about 9 or 10 fold.
Deaths from 1) have decreased by approx. 75 percent with 2) down by 25percent and deaths from 3) having halved approx.

The question is: 'With reference to SOCIAL and ECONOMIC factors, explain the changes in cause of death between 1901 and 2001.' ( 10 marks)

My answer:
'There has been a major reduction in death caused by 'Other diseases, including unidentified' in 2001 compared to 1901. This can be attributed mostly to improved medicinal science/knowledge, developments in antibiotics and also the setting up of the NHS in 1948, giving free health care for all British citizens. People who may not have been able to pay for medicine they needed were covered by the NHS, thus increasing the likelihood of recovery.
Life expectancy has almost doubled since 1901. Increased life expectancy has played a part in changing the main causes of death meaning chronic illnesses such as cancer and cardiovascular disease, generally affecting older age groups, replacing infectious and respiratory disease as the major killers.
Death from heart and circulation diseases has increased by quite a percentage, this is most likely due to the much more sedentary lives led by most people as a result of domestic labour saving devices, increased use of cars as a form of transport and technology such as the internet meaning that people can access information, be entertained and also 'socialize' on social networking sites, all without needing to move anywhere. Less exercise as a result of this, accompanied by more processed, sugary foods being available and included in peoples' diets (more the case in people with lower incomes) leads to more cases of obesity which increases one's risk of developing heart and circulation diseases, thus more deaths as a result.
The number of deaths caused by Cancer in 2001 compared to 1901 has increased substially, and it cannot be said that all of the increase is due to increased life expectancy. Many people in England and Wales commute to work, being stuck in traffic jams amongst car exhaust fumes as part of their daily routine. Many carcinogens can be found in in exhaust fumes and atmospheric pollution has increased over the past century. In the latter half of the 20th century and especiall in present times people are exposed to radiation emitting devices. Despite the low frequency I believe that cumulatively it may have an effect on how likely one is to develop cancer.
A final point is that the deaths recorded in 2001 would have probably been those of a more ethnically diverse sample of people than the deaths in 1901. People from certain ethnicties have more genetic susceptibility to cancer than indigenous English or Welsh people. That may possibly have played a small part in the increase of deaths caused by cancer seen in 2001.'

I think I may have lost the plot in a few areas esp in paragraph 3 talking about social media, people who died in 2001 would have probably been quite old and wouldn't have had face book when they were 18 or whatever, so that wouldn't really have impacted their lives very much in the sense of making them more sedentary. I also have a feeling that I've been rather verbose.
I'd really appreciate if some intelligent people would be kind enough to leave their comments/suggestions if they have the time and have read my long winded answer.

Many thanks

[Knotty Luke]

Overall a very well structured and coherent response to a broad question.

I think your first paragraph is right on the money. You may want to consider mentioning infectious disease more explicitly - citing the development of vaccination and immunisation, which has resulted in the eradication of certain illnesses e.g. small pox. Improved sanitation and hygiene also played a role in reducing this category as a cause of death.

I would be inclined to move the second paragraph to where you discuss cancer.

Considering the second greatest decrease is in lung and respiratory related deaths. You may want to spend some time on this category. Mentioning the industrial revolution and domestic use of coal to heat homes.

I would agree with you about mentioning social media. Consider changes in lifestyle, self-actualisation and social perception regarding class. I don't believe it too be verbose, you justify your opinions effectively using appropriate language.

Looking back at the Chapter title - 'How does evidence from personal, local and national sources help us understand the pattern of population change in the UK?'

It is challenging to justify social change with facts and figures, however I would consider including some more dates especially regarding the industrial revolution and introduction of new pharmaceuticals.

I imagine this is AS/A-level, if this is the case I believe this is a good response to the question posed.

Don't take my words as gospel - I'm no Geography teacher.
Hope this helps!