Is this direct enough? for my a- level course work i have to write a newspaper article on bullying .?

[Lauren]

So here it is,please help!!! ..........In today’s rapidly growing and fluctuating society, bullying is becoming a much more common, widespread and diverse matter not only for the victims involved , in these appalling repeated incidents, but parents and teachers also. Almost half of all children and young people (46%) say that they've been bullied at some point during their time at school, according to the Tellus4 National Report.

Bullying occurs in all areas of schooling, predominantly in secondary schools, with such a vast range of bullying styles for instance: verbal bullying, physical bullying, social bullying and cyber bulling. As parents how do we tackle this bullying battlefield?

With this in mind, the questions we continue to ask ourselves are, why do people bully? Why do they feel the need to mentally and physically scar, traumatise and hurt these vulnerable individuals? What do these bullies gain? Bulling arises for numerous, countless and in some cases profound psychological reasons; principally, bullies feel the need to obtain power and control which they may not receive in their own home environment and likewise, to fit in and appear what they feel is socially desirable-‘cool’. To recognise whether your child is being bullied or being a bully you need to understand bullying 87% of parents have reported that their child has been bullied in the past 12 months.
These days we live in such a fast pace and a forever changing society that technology and social media are becoming an almost necessity and a way of life and a results of this is that our children are interacting with these materials from a young age, and as an effect of this ‘cyber bullying’ has become an increasingly dominant style of bullying in our civilisation, and a term that we more than familiar with. Cyber bullying occurs primarily on social networking sites for example: Facebook, Twitter and instant messaging; it’s a bully’s playground enabling them to hide behind a computer screen, disguising his or her true identity whilst they harass, threaten and intimidate someone which can and often does end in long term effects on the victims ,although this is a worrying topic, there are ways prevent cyber bullying from happening to your child; certainly NO child under the age of 13 should be on these sites, any child that is must be removed. Children over the age of thirteen should edit their online privacy settings to avoid these incidents from occurring. All parents you should ensure that your children are acting safely and responsibly to online so that these vicious and tragic events can be reduced if you are unsure of how to act, please contact your child’s school or the NHS website for further advise.

[Confused Hal]

I assume your asking for advise.

Good -
Well written, nicely presented,. informative and well referenced.

Development -
It becomes self-opinionated and dictorial towards the end... eg. where you say "certainly NO child under the age of 13 and child that is must be removed" This could sound better as "whilst it has been recommended that no child under the age of 13 should access social networking sites, this is something that parents may not be aware of and therefore could be unwittingly allowing their children to be victims of cyber bullying"

[Paul]

It is direct but not well-written I'm afraid.

I suggest you read it yourself again and ask if you are happy with the use of words and punctuation.